Not sure where to start.

abc123

There has been many changes in my mother in the 6 plus weeks she has been here. She can no longer eat finger foods. She is pocketing food big time. The hospice RN said this happens when the patient starts to lose muscle control of the throat due to forgetting, the brain forgets what to do, forgets how to swallow. She is spoon fed baby food and gets liquids with a syringe. We offer food whenever she is awake. If she's hungry we feed her, if not we leave her be. She sleeps on and off around the clock. We turn her every two hours to prevent bed sores. If she lives long enough she will develop the sores anyway due to the skin breaking down as she continues to near death. Something else I learned is that as a person nears death their ears will start to flatten close to the head. This morning she is very alert and hungry. She is watching the birds at the feeder outside her window. She is answering questions with a yes or no. We have increased her medication to make sure she stays comfortable, since we are moving her every two hours I am concerned about hurting her. We use lots of fluffy pillows to help keep her in place. She has loss control of her trunk muscles and can not sit up on her own. I am grateful for the hospital bed we have. The wheel chair and shower chair are being returned to hospice since they are no longer needed. 

Things are sad. I am turning into a person that I don't like. I find myself being insensitive to regular, normal people. People like we all used to be. The only thing that matters to me at this time is my mother. I'm ashamed of myself. That's not who she raised me to be but that's who I am at this point in my life. Hopefully, one day I will be able to be my old self. Yesterday my nephew's wife was given a party by her parents and siblings to celebrate her 30th birthday. There was about 30 people of all ages. My dad went and I was happy he went. He was able to socialize and enjoy some good seafood. I did not want to go. I wanted to stay here with Momma and enjoy the quiet. I like to sit next to her bed and just be with her. My daughter was there. My sister was there with her husband. My daughter called and asked me to please come for a little while. Dad called repeatedly. I went, I was miserable for the entire hour. My sister sat right next to me. She did not say one word about our mother. Nothing. I came home. I thought surely she would stop by the house for a few minutes to see our mother. Nope. She and her husband went back to their home an hour away without so much as asking about momma. My daughter and my nephew did come for about two hours to spend time with their grandmother. We had a nice visit, I was glad they came. My nephew is here now spending time with my dad, his grandfather. My brothers mental status is off the charts at this time. He came to see momma 5 weeks ago and has been unwell ever since. He desperately needs to be under a doctors care and on medication. I know my sister and my brother love our mother very much. I know they do. Some people just can't deal with death. I guess it's too uncomfortable for them. I've come to accept this fact. Dealing with this situation certainly isn't one of my favorite things but I'm truly grateful that I can. My dogs are a great comfort. They care. They hang out with momma and me. They put their big heads on her bedside and look at her. Sometimes she will pat them. When she first got here she could scratch them on their heads but she can't do it any more. It's lonely at the bottom.

Quilting brings calm

I’m so sorry.  This part of the process sounds miserable for all concerned. I’m so glad you got them to move to your place.   I am glad  that you can understand what is going on with your brother and sister although it doesn’t make it easier for you to deal with it all on your own.  It’s okay that you are concentrating on your mom- as humans we can only concentrate on one extremely stressful situation at a time.  Lesser stressful ones take a back seat.

ButterflyWings

(((abc123))). You are a wonderful daughter. We are here for you.

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry, abc123.  The whole process is horrible,  and just when you think you have a handle on it, it mutates into a different kind of horrible.

Like others have said, you're a wonderful daughter.  Be sure to take some time out to take care of yourself.

M1

Abc I think it's okay to just be who you need to be for now. You'll recover when circumstances allow. You are providing her safe passage.

abc123

Thanks ya'll. 

M1, just so you know, I wrote that in my journal as a reminder. I am providing safe passage! That's currently my mission in life. 

SusanB-dil

hi abc - so sorry you are going through all this... You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of yourself, either!!  As for not wanting to socialize at a party nor otherwise, that is understandable right now.  you will again, just not enough energy for all of that at the moment.  ((hugs)) to you.

LJS45

My heart goes out to you. You are such a good daughter. I completely understand not wanting to socialize. You are dealing with a very difficult time. I know how the conversation in your head goes...how can I be out having fun, if that's even possible, when my mother is going through this horrible time? I have not wanted to be social either. Family only. Even that can be tough. I also have 3 siblings that have not seen my mom since she has been placed and has declined so quickly. It's hard for me to understand. I agree that dogs can be the best medicine too. I have loved my dog so hard in the last year. Give yourself a break and enjoy the time you have left with your mom in this life.

P.S. Is the dog in your profile pic an American bulldog?

Joydean

ABC, you are a very sensitive person, you are right by your mom’s side. She knows you are there and trying your best to keep her comfortable. Just your presence is giving her peace. Watching the birds and having your dog there is also comfort for her. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You are human doing the best you can. In my opinion no mother could ask for a more caring daughter. 

Please rest when you can. God bless you and your mom and family. Prayers for all. 

Iowa Farm Wife

abc123

I believe in karma. Kids, no matter the age learn by example. You have set an excellent example for them and some day you will reap the benefits of those lessons you have taught them. Your sisters who don't come around have taught their kids the same. So someday when your sisters are older and lonely, they have no one to blame but themselves, as that is what they have taught their kids. So sad for them to miss out on the last stage of life of their mother and grandmother. 

I have kids like you do. And I have tried to teach them the importance of having elderly people in their lives, wether it's family, close friends, or a stranger sitting next to them, take the time to make their day with a visit or phone call. 

This is a rough chapter for you and your mother. You shouldn't feel guilty one bit.  Don't apologize to anyone for your attitude either, this is a stressful time and no one expects you to be full of giggles and jokes.  And I can assure you when your mother is gone you will be so happy you spent the time with her that you did. I can tell she was a loving mother as you are a loving person too.

When my dad was in the hospital, I stayed with him. I was told by everyone to go home as I had an hour drive and had to work the next day.  I had the best conversation with him at 3:00 a.m.!  One I cherish to this day as I think it was his rally before the storm.  How lucky I was to be there when he was at his best. You will feel the same way. You might not get a great conversation in with your mother, but there will be memories of her and your dog and the final days of her life that will always be special and mean so much to you.

Prayers for you and your sweet mother.

Iowa Farm Wife

abc123

Thank you all for your support and words of encouragement! It means everything to me! 

@LJS45, yes the dog in the picture is an American Bull and has a wonderful personality! My other dog is a hounds/pit mix. They both weigh about 85 pounds. They are well trained but spoiled. I also have a foster dog here, a pit mix. He's sweet as sugar. I have him on meds to prepare him for heart worm treatment. He has a severe case and the chances are he won't make it thru the treatment. Since he is so sweet and has such a great personality I'm going to take a chance on treatment. He would make a great companion for a preteen or an elderly person. Very mild mannered. 

King Boo

Not feeling social is letting you gather your energy to finish guiding your Mom.

This time frame is sacred.  When it it time to stop, there is nothing we can do to pause it.

Not having the bandwidth to be social is OK and may be serving a protective function for you.

It goes on.  Just at another time.

I love the sweet face of your puppy.  They have such unconditional love for us.