She's Sooo needy

60 falcon

Is there anybody who's got experience with a LO who is just so needy?  I'm not talking about needing help with things, just needing constant attention or companionship. All The Time. Does this ever end? If this is just a stage my wife is going through, it's a darn* long one.  Like shadowing on steroids.

It's been like this for probably 3 or 4 years.  Absolutely driving me nuts.  Last fall I accepted the fact that I needed help and got her into daycare.  It works out well but it's an hour drive each way.  It works well because the staff is good and they've given her one on one attention.  The daycare gives me a little breathing room, but not enough.

Over the last three or four months I've gotten to the point of accepting the fact that I need to place her somewhere.  I've done my due diligence and checked out possibilities and even narrowed it down to three possibilities. Where I live, there isn't much to choose from.  One is an AL/MC that supposedly specializes in memory care. They are new and have openings and I put a deposit down only to have them not accept my wife because of her neediness requiring more one on one than they are prepared for.  It's a real disappointment.

The second best option costs more than I can realistically afford and it's 2+ hours away.  I put a deposit down with them and I'm on their wait-list anyway.  The third option is a SNF that has a Memory care section and it's an hour away. I toured it and it's ok but depressing and they don't offer much in the way of planned activities.  I'm on their wait-list too but I get the feeling that getting in there would take a looong time. But even if I could get her into this SNF, unless something changes I think the neediness is going to haunt me there as well.  There's no way I can afford a companion.  I'll almost certainly be going the Medicaid route.

I'm really struggling.  My lack patience and growing frustration is getting the better of me. She deserves better and I need help. Long term help.  I don't know how some of you do this for so long, but I've been giving my wife 24/7 attention and caregiving for about 4 or 5 years now.  For me, that's long enough. She's seven plus years into this journey through hell and is stage 6 and getting worse.

When will her darn* neediness ever end???  Is there a medication for something like this?  There's no way I can hire a companion for her at a facility.  And like I said she's already been turned down because of this problem.  There are zero agencies providing in home care around here. I won't hire privately.

Like I recently told someone, most days I kind of hope I'd have a heart attack and just be done. With everything.  I'm not a natural born care giver but I've done my best. Which probably isn't enough.  How did I ever end up with someone so darn* needy.

M1

60falcon, I was wondering just this morning how you were. Terrible dilemma I know (I'm in the thick of it too) and I have more sympathy than advice. You've done a better job caring for her than than you give yourself credit for.

Have you talked to her doctors about medication options? Might be worth a trial if it could help get her placed. Please hang in and keep us posted, you are not forgotten.

June45

No advice, just a big hug. And I agree with M1, "You've done a better job caring for her than you give yourself credit for."

Crushed

Just for humor I missed  the early symptoms  of Alzheimer's because
 SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME
Understand she was a hard charging physician computer expert on a roll.  
All of sudden   (age 58) she want to snuggle and sit with me and listen to me pontificate.   

Lasted about 4 years.

 

Vitruvius

60 falcon, first let me say that unfortunately I have no useful input...sorry. I do understand a bit as your story is very nearly mine. I started a thread awhile back asking a very similar question.

I'm just not quite as far along as you. My DW is also mid stage 6 with intermittent incontinence. I have recently been investigating MCFs. She also goes to a daycare program, but it's barely enough to keep me from total burnout. 

You asked about medication that might reduce her neediness. I asked DWs neurologist this same question and she told me unfortunately no. Meds can reduce her anxiety which helps a tiny bit, but nothing can stop her from the feeling she has that something should be happening in her day but she doesn't know what it is or how to make it happen, if that makes any sense. 

I have stated a number of times here that the physical aspects of caregiving don't bother me much, it is the issue you are bringing up of the neediness that makes it so hard for me.  This neediness is coupled with constant delusions that include not recognizing me as her husband but ironically still needing my attention every waking minute. When I don't provide enough attention she will ask me, rather caustically, when her husband is coming back as he is presumably much more attentive in her mind. I have tried many activities to keep her entertained but none seem to work consistently. Even standbys like taking drives and watching tv don't work much anymore as she can't stay focused very long. 

All I can do is wish you the strength to continue on until the next step becomes more clear. I often hear that one will know when it's time for placement of your LO. I don't find this true in my case, in part because DW slips up and down the dementia spectrum on a daily basis. I hope the way forward becomes more obvious for you. 

Paris20

60 falcon, my husband acts exactly the way your wife acts. I cannot even go to the bathroom without his calling me, asking where I am. When I was hospitalized last year, my daughters came to our home to take care of him. They got no sleep because he paced constantly, asking where Mom was. Of course, as soon as they told him, he forgot. I actually was relieved that there were no visitors allowed because of Covid. It was the only peace I’ve had. 

I hired a wonderful caregiver but my husband refuses to let her do anything for him. I still do it all. The caregiver takes care of everything else…laundry, cooking, dog walking, light cleaning, etc. It works but what I really need is a respite from DH. It’s truly 24/7, 365 days a year, since 2015. No wonder I wound up in the hospital. 

60 falcon

Thanks for your replies and support.  Misery loves company and it's sadly kind of comforting for me to know I'm not alone.  I'm sorry that all of us are dealing with our own versions of various challenges.

Vitruvius, we do seem to have very similar issues going on.  My wife's delusions have been going on for some time now but they've gotten worse over the last couple weeks.  They're always negative and dealing with people kicking her out of the house, she's kicking people out of the house, including me, people she wants to fight, etc etc.  Sure wish she'd have some nice ones now and then.

I get the feeling my wife feels scared, vulnerable, lost, or threatened and that maybe fuels her need to constantly be near me, even when she doesn't like me.  And maybe the same feelings help to fuel the delusions and her neediness? I'm just guessing.  Maybe if I can get her meds for delusions then maybe her fears and neediness will improve?

Her not being accepted for AL/MC still feels like a punch to my guts. I wish I could get meds to improve my patience and decrease my frustration.  I do have an appt for her with her PA and am trying to get one with a specialist.  

Thanks again for the support.