Err on the side of caution

arizonadianne

I have been trying hard to use “acting” as a way to soften the hard edges of my efforts to keep my DH safe.

In my desire to err on the side of caution, no matter how kindly I try “to act,” DH discounts and despises my efforts. When I calmly unplugged the toaster before he used a knife to dig out his toasted bun, a disgusted “I’ve lived my whole life without your help,” was his response. Ouch.

We are starting to have OTC medication issues—I handle his prescriptions but he has started taking Tylenol, ibuprofen, and naproxen without telling me what he’s taken or when. Even though he agrees to ask me to get some medication for him, he doesn’t ask, and he just goes and gets some himself. Now I only leave out what’s safe for him to take, in a single dose, in a labeled cup, so at least I’ll notice that he’s taken something. 

And Friday he said he was going (out driving) to get a haircut. My “acting” went out the window, and as soon as I said, “No,” he heard my emotion and words were exchanged; I ended up hiding all keys. Every day I offer to take him to get a haircut, but he says no.

I will continue to err on the side of caution and try to improve. 

jmlarue

"I will continue to err on the side of caution and try to improve."

This is what requires the greatest effort for me. Trying to reconcile the "experts" advice to assist the PWD to engage in activities they are still able to do and, at the same time, protect their safety by eliminating those activities they can't or shouldn't do anymore. With dementia, that red line between abled and disabled can change on a daily basis, with no warning. I feel like I'm mostly in reactive, rather than proactive, mode most of the time. Some catastrophic situations I can anticipate (like the issue of hiding the keys). I'm quite sure I did this well in advance of my Dh's total inability to drive, but I was unwilling to take the chance of being wrong and finding that he'd hurt himself or some innocent. That stands out as the one decision that continues to try my patience and has been a point of conflict on almost a daily basis over the past 2 years. I don't think he'll ever forget about driving. On the other hand, DH is still able to go for short walks without getting lost - until one day, he's not. He's still able to get himself in/out of the bathtub - until one day, he's not. He's still able to make toast, until he's not. He's never used the stove in our 54 years together - but one fateful day, he might. Is it really reasonable to think I can prevent every potential harm or disaster? I don't think so. Such is the life of caring for another human being - whether infant or adult. The sword of Damocles hangs over our heads just waiting for that one time we misjudged our LO's remaining ability. Is it any wonder we eventually burn out and beg to place our LO someplace else to live out their end of days?

arizonadianne

Very well said, jmlarue. I love your picture! That’s EXACTLY how I feel.

jmlarue

I'm glad what I had to say resonated with you. I'm trying very hard to give myself the benefit of the doubt and forgive my mistakes. I'm not entirely successful, but I'm trying my best not to be that "helicopter" caregiver that strips my DH of every lingering shred of autonomy and self-determination in a misguided belief that I can keep him totally safe.

sandwichone123

Diane,

Sometimes, as with the toaster, it can't be helped. Some things can be kept out of sight/out of mind. I told my son, who lives with us, that his car key should be in his pocket at all times. Extra car keys are locked in a small safe I bought for that purpose. I went out a couple of weeks ago, and decided I'd better keep my keys with me. When I got home, dh told me, "I tried to go for a drive, but I couldn't figure out how." WIN! I didn't have to say "no," he just couldn't do it.

Bob in LW

jmlarue wrote:

 I'm trying my best not to be that "helicopter" caregiver that strips my DH of every lingering shred of autonomy and self-determination in a misguided belief that I can keep him totally safe.

That can be a difficult thing to balance.  My SO, who has memory loss, often laments the fact that she is no longer in control of her finances and business affairs, since her son handles them all.  Also, she is extremely angry that she can no longer drive.  I try to keep her focused on the positive things in our lives, rather than the negatives, but it's difficult at times.