Lessons I learned when DH was threatening and aggressive

LadyTexan

 This is a post I shared several years ago when my husband was very aggressive and threatening. The lessons I learned may be applicable to others going through similar experiences.

After DH was diagnosed, he became aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive on more than one occasion. It was very scary; I was shocked the first time it happened and probably didn't think very clearly.

This post includes several lessons I learned regarding safety. Please don't wait for a crisis to implement safety practices.

The overall lesson is I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety.

1. Think about safety and be safe. Safety comes first. 
2. ALWAYS keep your cell phone charged and within reach.
3. Don't hesitate to leave or call 911 in the event of an aggressive explosion that puts your safety at risk. 
4. Trust the people who have endured or are enduring this rugged path. They speak from experience  
5. When people offer to help, let them. 
6. Don’t expect the social services agencies or the police to meet your expectations. But do call on them for assistance  
7. Don’t isolate. Develop and maintain a supportive network.
8. Sleep when you can. 
9. Don’t delay in handling the legal matters.  
10. Decisions should be made based on logic, not emotion. 
11. Remove, hide or lock-up potential weapons. For example, get the guns and ammo out of the house. Get the hammers and box cutters out of the house. I have minimal knives in the kitchen.
12. Identify rooms in the house can be secured with a lock. Although both the bedroom and bathroom door in our home can be locked, my plan is to leave the house. 
13. I am prepared to leave my home without hesitation, and I will stay away from my home for as long as necessary even if it means sleeping in my car.
14. Consider keeping important documents and a “go bag” in the car or off premises. I keep copies of important documents stored with a loved one.
15. The phone numbers for the crisis response center and the women's resource center are programmed into my phone. 
16. I practice gratitude no matter how hopeless. For example, I am grateful for all of you. I am grateful for the places I’ve slept. The various roofs I’ve had over my head, hot coffee, nature, my car, a cell phone charger, toothpaste, a hot bath, clean underwear, my faith in a higher power. 

DH was angry for months & months and I was his verbal punching bag. In his mind, every loss and every problem was my fault. He said the ugliest things to me. He threw me out of the house. He told several doctors that he was divorcing me which made arranging care especially difficult.

 

After one particularly horrible incident, DH ended up in the psych hospital. Thank goodness. The 72 hours that he was inpatient provided much need respite for me.

As a result of the hospital stay, DH connected with a geri-psychiatrist that is phenomenal. She prescribed anti-anxiety meds and emphasized to him that the meds would not work if he drank. He didn't stop drinking at that point. After several more horrible incidents, and additional meds, and follow-up visits with the geri-psych doctor, husband is now abstaining from alcohol. THAT has made a huge difference. I have quite a few alcoholics in my life, so I know what an anomaly DH's sobriety is. I credit the meds, the doctor and the grace of God.

The verbal insults still come and are still painful. I try to be my own cheerleader because DH doesn't appreciate the depth of my commitment to his well being and care. My life was often chaotic, miserable, unpredictable and a lonely place to be. Friends and family did not understand what I was going through. But the people on this forum did. They understood and cared. The caregiver heroes here provided applicable and actionable suggestions. 

I also learned to discuss what happened (my husband's aggressive outbursts) with a trusted friend or professional. Thanks goodness I was able to vent on this forum. I received excellent, NONJUDGMENTAL advice and suggestions from the caregiver heroes here.

Later, my counselor helped me process what happened. Once I shared my experience with someone I trusted, the fear and the shame had less power over me.

Mint

Thank you for sharing  this from time to time.

Ed1937

That's excellent, Lady. Thanks for sharing again.

Paris20

LadyTexan, thanks so much for your very sound advice. Although my husband doesn’t exhibit all the symptoms you described, he definitely has been verbally violent and aggressive. Now that he’s on an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, the symptoms have abated. I’ve also learned more about what I can do…not to change the behavior because I can’t…but to protect myself emotionally. I often read about distracting someone with AD. They never met my husband when he’s off on a tirade. Mean and vulgar don’t even come close to describing his behavior. Now I just leave the room. And since he shadows me constantly and has no short term memory, he invariably starts looking for me, calling my name. By that time he has forgotten the outburst.

abc123

I would like to point out that women with dementia can also experience severe outburst of anger and violent behavior. This disease spares no one. I really don't like to use the word hate but it's becoming my go to word when it comes to this disease.

LauraPaul

I can deal with a lot of things, but this yelling and screaming are making me want to yell and scream.  I am so tired of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep because of this constant chaos.  My partner/loved one is in a nursing home.  He yells and screams there.  He continually poops everywhere.  I can't take care of him at home, and I have to work.  Is it awful to say that I just wish that sometimes he would just forget my phone #?  I don't feel like I can deal with this stuff.

TGM

a friend of mine's husband would become violent in the later stages of his dementia. She had a male friend who was a first responder who could be called to help her calm him down. And this helped her and her husband. But I know this is not always available.

Dio

Thank you, LadyTexan! It truly shows how resilient you are. Just as I am wallowing in self-pity, again, I come across your story. And once again I'm reminded of so many others who have had, or are having, it worse. Yet, it doesn't make me feel any better. I just keep asking why all of us in this collective group are the "chosen" ones. Maybe someday I'll find the answer. Today, I have to dig deep into my resolve to deal with the heartache and pain. My friends and family and support group keep telling me how strong I am. I wish I felt the same. I thought placing DH in MC would alleviate my pain, but it hasn't. DH was placed nearly 3 months ago. He is doing well physically because he's well cared for and the decline seems to have leveled off, but he is so unhappy. Even when he was home, he was miserable. Nothing motivated him. Nothing could bring a smile to his face. At least, he is engaging in some activities at the MC. While he is moving and eating, he is not living. When I cry nowadays, I realize it's tears for him. I just wish for this nightmare to be over. I wish for our next life to be less painful.

brownstoneranch

My husband is in the process of doing tests to assess. Memory issues started 6 years ago at 63 years old. How does a spouse cope. He has verbally hurt me so much but never remembers what he says. All I want to do is cry. Married almost 46 years and I don't know him most of the time.