Transition from Assisted Living to Long Term Care

LauraPaul

Hi all,

I need help and support.  My best friend and my partner is going to be moved from an assisted living facility to a long term care facility on Wednesday morning.  He does not know this yet.  He is currently in a hospital.  He will be discharged Wednesday morning and go to the nursing home and not back to the assisted living facility.  I have not told him yet of this change of residence.  My thoughts were and still are that I need to wait to tell him until almost time to move him.  Like Tuesday afternoon...my thoughts are that if I tell him too early before his move then he will just worry, get agitated and I don't want that for him.  I think too that even if I tell him he won't remember it..such a quandry.  I think if he does understand his change of residence I can (tell a white lie..fib) him that his Dr. suggested the move.  Hopefully he will accept this better than if I said he needed to go.  I know that if I tell him anything even prior to dementia that he needed to do he balked. 

Yesterday I emptied out his apartment at the assisted living. Devastating!!! He asked me tonight when I spoke to him about if all of his stuff was still there...he thinks he is going back there and I have not told him differently.  I have never ever kept anything from him..never in all of our years together.  I feel overwhelmed.  Has anyone else experienced this?

Pat6177

LauraPaul, I’m not where you are - yet. But many here who have posted that they have placed their LOWD (Loved One With Dementia) in memory care have not told them before hand. That was actually what the staff at the memory care suggested and the staff handled the transition. I don’t know if the staff at the nursing home your DH is going to will do the same, you might want to check with them.

I’m sorry you are having to make this choice for your DH. There are a lot of difficult challenges with this disease.

What I can identify with are the little fibs that we need to use. Logically, it makes perfect sense. But it is surprisingly hard to do. He’ll ask where his prescription meds are and I failed the fib challenge and told him where they were. The answer satisfied him even though he promptly forgot the answer! But more difficult is how to get some in home care in here and get him to go along. I have this somewhat elaborate fib that the person is a housekeeper coming off from disability so it takes her a long time because she works a little and then has to rest. It is so hard to lie to him and yet I know I have to. The “housekeeper “ comes for the first time on April Fool’s Day! How ironic is that?!? Bottom line, the fact that I need to get in home care also means that he has deteriorated and it hurts to face that reality. Someone else on this forum recently said that we have to make these decisions with our head not our heart. Stay strong!

Joe C.

Perhaps you could tell him him his medical team thinks he needs to go to a rehabilitation center to continue his recovery. This is actually a fiblet I have seen others use when their LOs were going from the hospital to LTC. If you let the facility know that this is the story you are telling him hopefully they will play along. Depending on where he is cognitively with time perception, if he asked when he will be be released from rehab you can just say “in a few more days”. 

FWIW, I am one of the people who place my DW without telling her beforehand and it went very smoothly. My DW has little to no perception of how much time has passed. When I visit her she will ask where I have been and I just say, “I’ve been at work”, and she accepts that and She has never once asked about going home.

toolbeltexpert

Laura Paul I do understand I am feeling the same way, I just posted about my feeling of not wanting to deceive and now I read your post. I am truly sorry that this change of address is stressing you,I am sure the staff  will make the transition easier they have done it many times it will be ok.

abc123

Dear LauraPaul, You are very wise and caring! Causing him to worry about the move is not the best thing for him. You are right on the money about waiting to tell him. I do understand how you feel about keeping the truth from him. If I were in your position I'd tell him the move was ordered by his doctors to help him with his recovery and it's not long term. Being a caregiver is equal to being a warrior.

Marie58

LauraPaul, welcome to the forum. My DH is in MC. It's the same facility he attended prior to it shutting done due to covid. When the time came to place him permanently, I didn't tell him ahead of time. I casually mentioned that I was starting to need more help a few times while caring for him for a couple days leading up to placement. The day before the move, I told him the MC opened up again and he got to start going again. He may have thought I would be picking him up later that day, but he's nonverbal so never was able to express that. Thankfully, he settled into his room and didn't hang out around the exit door like he had done sometimes prior. I didn't like the fiblet, but he settled in well. I think the idea of telling him his medical team made the decision is a good idea. Hope he settles in well. Blessings to you and your LO.

Stuck in the middle

I don't tell my wife anything in advance if I can help it.  She can't remember the details, just that something is coming up, and it worries her.  So, I don't tell her things she doesn't need to know.

I wake her in the morning, tell her what we are doing that day, and off we go.  In short, I fully support your decision to tell him what he needs to hear.

When I was a child, I was taught not to say anything unless it was true and kind.  Lines blur for adults.  Sometimes we have to choose between true and kind.

I was also taught to be kind to old ladies.  And I am.

One of my FIL's friends went to hospital.  While he was in hospital, his wife (second wife, not married long) sold all his furniture and took off.  You are not doing that.  You didn't loot your friend's apartment.  You are helping him move.  The difference is enormous.