Am I being deceitful?

toolbeltexpert

I am struggling that I am deceiving my dw. I am telling her I did this or that to keep her from doing it multiple times.  She doesn't  have 10 seconds of  working memory. The pandemic thing is a go to for a lot things. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right.  When the questions  don't matter I just use the ohh, yeah. She asks about people who have passed, I just say I don't know. I have tried telling her at times, not family members but people she knew, and found out that's not good idea, I get. HOW COME NOBODY EVER TELLS ME. The pandemic thing is something she has latched onto and I keep the TV news off, but she still she sees  the local newspaper and they banner the case counts and deaths. She thinks it's so many deaths that week say 93 this week next week 95. Sometimes I feel like my fiblets are only to keep me from having to explain a reality, which of course she won't remember.  When we call her sister dw keep asking how is covid up there, I feel like I am deceiving dw and her sister knows nothing 1000 miles away. Sorry I can't  explain it better, sometimes it feels like I am lying all the time and it's wearing me out. It seems it never good to tell the truth sometimes.   I just had to voice it I guess thanks for listening.

loveskitties

To me, it is the "intent" of the lie or deception which determines the good/bad.

You do not do it to cause her any harm.

So while it is not how most of us were raised, the "fiblet" is just another tool to help our LO.

Crushed

This is one of those let me dump more crap on myself so i'll feel worse
Just stop it 

You do every thing and anything you need to do to survive as a caretaker

no guilt none no matter what

Sheesh 

Don't make me come upstairs again

 
  
  

  
 

Quilting brings calm

Is it deceitful to take a child to see Santa Claus, watch Christmas cartoons, do the ‘elf of a shelf’ routine, or hide  Easter Eggs/baskets?     If you said yes to that-  then you have a serious internal conflict that you will need to resolve to make your life easier and safety with your spouse.  She’s regressing mentally and may eventually be the same mental age as a child.  Her brain doesn’t understand logic and she’s not going to be able to follow your commands to ‘not touch the hot stove’.   You have to protect her (and yourself and the finances).   Fiblets are often the only way to do that.  It’s hard not to think of them as being deceitful, but it’s the best way to give your spouse the best life possible for as long as possible.

Rescue mom

Everybody has said it, but I’ll add my 2 cents. It is compassionate, and helping her, to tell things that may not be all true, to avoid upsetting her. The truth can be very painful for them, and repeatedly, since they don’t remember.

 Every time they hear something bad, (like a death) it is like the first time, and upsets them all over again. That’s not good for them at all. Better to talk around it and use fiblets. That is compassion, with someone who doesn’t or can’t function through reality like others do. That is protecting them.

abc123

The object is what brings the most comfort to our loved one. To explain a death repeatedly does not bring comfort to a PWD. To explain the pandemic in truthful terms does not bring comfort to a PWD. I do get what your saying and feeling though. Next time she ask about someone in particular who is dead try making it a pleasant conversation about the person. Say you are unaware of their death and start talking about a particular good memory of the person or make up a good memory.  I'm more concerned about the sister 1000 miles away? What do you mean by she knows nothing? If she is unaware of DW's condition you might need to limit their phone time. Sister could cause plenty of grief of you and DW.

Crushed, You just got the award for my favorite post in the wide world.

Scooterr

toolbeltexpert, I get it. You hate lying or telling a little fib. In some way you feel like your not doing the best for your LO, or you may want to try and keep things status quo as much as possible. For care givers that hard to do in our ever changing environment,  I'm like you, I like to be as honest to my DW as much as possible, but like some of the others have mentioned today, you have to protect them as much as possible also. If a little fib keeps them from breaking down that day, fib away. It's better for them and will probably make your day easier. Hang in there.

loveskitties

When I visited my dad in MC yesterday, he was asking about his mother, who has been dead many many years.

He was concerned that he had tried to call her and she didn't answer. (of course there had been no call)  I told him that since she is hard of hearing that she probably didn't answer, but that she was doing find.  That seemed to reassure him and he went on to other things.

Did I lie to him?  Of course I did, but for good reason.  I did not want him to continue worrying about her.  In the big scheme of things did the lie matter?  Not in the least.

Do I hate having to make this choice?  No!  In his better days, he would have done the same for me...anything he could do for my peace of mind.

Ed1937

During the last four years I have learned that bending the truth is often a good thing. If I tell her that I'll do something if she does whatever it is I want, I will do it. That's because I don't want to lose her trust. But when she wants to visit her mother or her grandparents (all dead), I'll tell her we can't go since I can't drive that far because my medication needs to be temperature controlled, and there's no way to do that when driving. That, of course, is bending the truth. But I don't consider it a lie because it is not for my benefit, it's for hers (although I would benefit because she will not be upset). I have no problem with bending the truth when it benefits her.

toolbeltexpert

I just want to say it was and is a felt feeling.  Maybe others have never felt it in a certain situation. But I have.  Just wonder sometimes if I am blurring the lines. Thanks for your comments.  I know it's different for everyone. I hate having all the crap that goes with someone losing there memory. Fiblets is not a skill I want to hold on to. That's all I got to say about that!

Battlebuddy

  I think I can understand a little bit of where you are coming from. Many people are raised not to lie, and think of it as something bad- dare I say a sin. It says so in the Good Book. I never lied to my husband that I remember in our marriage , or deceived him. It does feel bad in the beginning of the Alzheimer’s journey to start having to use fiblets to keep our loved  ones safe  and calm. I remember feeling bad about it as you do now. Just one more way our relationship with our partner , which was built on truth and trust , was deteriorating. 

   I am pretty sure I came to this site and got the same advice that others have given you.  I think it’s very important to think of the Fiblet as a tried and true therapeutic tool that brings reassurance , peace , and calm to a person who’s mind can no longer process the truth. The fact that you feel bad about it shows you are a good man. Caring for a patient with Dementia requires all kinds of things that feel like deception ( like hiding the car keys from someone who can’t drive anymore) But in Alzheimers world the word deception should be changed to Protection. 

Paris20

Toolbeltexpert, I have gone through every single thing you described. I do not feel guilty telling my husband that: it’s related to the pandemic, or that I don’t know, or that it’s all taken care of, not to worry. Whatever satisfies and avoids agitation is in my book-of-fiblets. Over time, it has become easier to read my husband’s emotions behind certain questions or comments. I use whatever works and does no harm. My DH has a tendency to lose what’s left of his temper, so if lying keeps him calm and happy, I’m all for it.

Fairyland

I find it very difficult to not automatically tell the truth about everything, and do it as consistently as would be perfect for each occasion, and I don’t usually even feel that guilty about it, which is just they way I am I guess - so I really feel for you.  

I am learning to at least wait or say nothing while I consider how best to react, if possible. It’s quite hard as well but has a better outcome than merrily blurting out my first thought, like I used to be able to.  Another loss of innocence, eh? It is affecting me a lot in all aspects of life, I feel muzzled or strangled sometimes, as well as sometime embarrassed at not being upfront or bending the truth.

Everything is a compromise these days.

Jeff86

I am sorry, TBE, that you are struggling with fiblets.   I get it.  No one likes to deceive (except sociopaths!).  

Having said that, fiblets are one of the limited number of tools in the caregiver’s toolbox.   If our job, unasked for, is to make our LOs’ lives as easy and stress-free as we can make them, then utilizing fiblets is often the least bad choice to accomplish this goal. 

Hopefully, over time, you’ll come to feel the fiblets are a kindness.  I have.  

Stuck in the middle

You are not being deceitful.  You are being kind.  The difference is enormous.

ButterflyWings

I am echoing everyone else's feedback here, and honestly I can't find the link I saw early this morning when you first posted.

So many of us (most, possibly?) know how you feel and had to go through the uncomfortable period of feeling like we were doing something wrong by entering into our LOs reality and providing them with harmless comforting chit-chat rather than the "honest" discussions we used to have before dementia hijacked their brains.

Your post led me to immediately look up the word "deceitful" and the version I landed on, was really profound. But it wouldn't copy and paste lol, so I went back to sleep before transcribing it. And..., now I can find many versions but not THAT one (smh)! of course.

OK, what struck me with this definition is that it shared the full origin of the word back to the latin I guess? which was more about the motive to defraud, or benefit at the expense of the other party. That is so clearly not what we are doing, when we create a workaround for the "truth", which our LOs can't process, and could stress over.

I just spent 30 minutes trying to find the exact webpage because it was really appropriate to our "fiblet" approach, versus the real meaning of deceit. I had not thought about it exactly this way before, but the specific definition gave examples like the deceitful person is intentionally using falsehoods to confuse another, and/or mask the truth - for some ulterior motive. Well, in our case, it is the disease that is confusing our LOs, and nothing we can do or say will change that. So, bringing comfort is the least we can do.

It took me some time to realize that AD wasn't just affecting my DH's memory, it was literally short-circuiting his thought processes and perception so, even though he might not let on -- what I thought he was thinking was often WAYYY off base. So, random convos are a good thing if they lead to calm, harmless, albeit nonsensical and/or unlikely statements from either of us. Whatever. There are many people who make their living off of acting, creating amazing art and fiction and movies, stories, etc. and we revere them, (and pay them very well!), right? Well, in my book you are a hero when you use those creative muscles to comfort and redirect your DW in an effort to throw dementia a curveball as it ramps up confusion, anxiety, fear, and other difficult emotions (and behaviors) for our LOs. That's what I believe, anyway. 

Lastly, this elusive definition and examples of deceitful intent and outcomes made it clear the outcome of deceitful actions is to the recipient's detriment and the deceiver's benefit which is not the case for us as caregivers. Lowering our blood pressure for a bit doesn't count. Dementia is a lose-lose, we know...except for the few moments we can create joy, comfort and reassurance for our beloveds. 

The explanation in the link was shorter than mine, and I hope my thought process is not "clear as mud". Toolbeltexpert, try not to feel bad about this though. As long as we don't retain the behavior with others, as you say! But it is absolutely needed, harmless, and actually most kind -- for our PWD LOs.

toolbeltexpert

Bw thanks for your time you took to help me understand and all the others as well. Your all very kind, and I do know how it is helpful for my dw when I put her at ease and they help me avoid conflict. It's just the shear number of times and situations, I worry I am gonna get caught in a "lie". Most likely not though, I just yearn for the regular communication. 

Lady Texas has a great practice of finding joy and I am gonna steal that.

I am thankful my wife feels pampered when I serve her breakfast.

I am thankful that there are parts of caregiveing I love.

I love seeing my wife sing songs she likes.

I am thankful for the place where I live.

I am thankful for God helping me very day.

I am thankful for everyone here everyday.

CStrope

I view so much of what I need to do as a caretaker as an alternate universe!  So...in that universe, fiblets are a way of life.  In the real world universe, honesty is the best policy.

Jo C.

You are not doing something to her; you are doing something for her.

No reason to make this a "guilt" feeling - regret, maybe; but not guilt.

I would be surprised if you got "caught" in a fib.  If so, then it is simply time for another - "Oh; I misunderstood . . . " then change the subject and refocus.

Being fairly new at this, you are doing a good job; really you are.  And . . . you are a very good man with a high degree of ethics . . . what a dear person who is doing the very best that can be done under the circumstances with the challenges as they are.

Hug from one who also had challenges becoming a therapeutic fibber until I realized the positive difference it made and what a true kindness it actually was.

J.