getting help vs dealing with the consequences

waywardson

I'm overwhelmed. I get it. I need help. But it's NOT THAT SIMPLE!

I can go for a walk. But who knows what chaos I will be coming back to. Even if I come home to "relative" serenity, chances are I plowed through that walk in "relative" anxiety.

The biggest issue now with LO is paranoia. This is pertinent because the paranoia is often focused on my brother (the only family member available to give me a break). The visit last November (the last time I had a day, a moment, off) ended in disaster. It resulted in us cancelling Christmas. Bringing in outside help ... even worse.

Everyone tells me that I need to take time to focus on myself. But any benefit that time away might provide me is outbalanced by the cost it will impose. 

I dream of taking a day away. Taking a week to myself would be somewhere over the rainbow. I get it. I tried it.

What do you do if the consequences outweigh the benefits?

jfkoc

But have you looked at allof the possible benefits? Please be certain to value some social imput for your LO as well as you and the fact that with some time "off" you may well be a better caregiver.

If you decide to bringin help please plan your approach carefully.

waywardson

I have sure racked my brain looking for ways to get help. We live on a semi-remote island with admittedly limited resources and I have asked everyone I run across as well as the local medical and senior services. Only get the same answers, hiring from the local caregiver pool at $25 - $50 an hour, or look to family. Respite care is an option as long as I am willing to take Mother there kicking and screaming.

Knowing the situation as closely as I do, I fear that the person I would drop off for respite care will not be the person I return to find a week later (mentally and emotionally). Then ... I am left to deal with a lifetime of knowing that the final decline in my mothers life was the result of me wanting a few days of chicken wings and beer at a sports bar down at the beach. 

The mere mention of my brothers name will send our mother into anger and another manic session. (I've investigated it, he truly has done nothing wrong enough to warrant this) 

The question remains, yes, if I take time away, I will be a better caregiver, but ... for who, at what cost? What if caring for myself is stirring up more harm than good? Perhaps I'm a little hyperbolic here, but ... am I ?

A. Marie

Wayward, have you explored medication options yet? From your description, it sounds to me as if your mother may be overdue for a trial of Seroquel or another antipsychotic. Please consider this if you aren't already doing it. You sound stressed to the limit. As others have said, don't let the disease claim two lives.