Feeling regretful.

abc123

I’m with my dad. We are here to complete the move back to Louisiana. My sister took three days off from work and is staying at my house with our mom. Dad feels more comfortable with a relative being there with the caregivers. I am grateful that my sister is there with our mom. This is the first time I have been able to be with dad to help him with the move. I have been regretting that I wasn’t here to help him. My sister and brother did not step up to help. Dad is 85 and a year ago he had two separate accidents, each time hit his head. I apologize if I’m repeating myself, I want to be clear. Arranging an out of state move is not easy for anyone. I have been worried about him. I must say, I’m proud of him. He has accomplished a lot. I’ve been doing as much as humanly possible to help him by phone. Getting prices, setting dates, appointments, attorneys and realtors in two states. I was correct about being concerned. Yesterday when I called the moving company for the umpteenth time, I discovered the company had booked Dads job without doing a walk thru and without meeting him in person. We were on the road when I made the call. It was not nice. The price has almost doubled due to the price of fuel AND wrong information being given to the company. Dad was so angry he started to shout and curse the owner of the company. I got Dad to stop at the first possible place under the pretense of feeling ill. I made a quick call to the owner and explained dads age, the accident, Mom’s condition, etc. I also apologized to him for the confusion and shouting. I’m not upset with dad. I think he did the best he possibly could under the circumstances. The owner told me they no longer do walk throughs due to Covid. I was shocked at that news. I’m upset that I wasn’t able to be here or a sibling be here to help him. 

To be continued 

Quilting brings calm

Abc- you are doing the best you can. You have BEEN doing the best you can.   An out of state move is hard. I know.   By the time we moved my parents  had already sold their RV that they had been living in.  Friends at the campground had helped them move from it to an independent living apartment just a mile  or two from the campground.  Sort of.  My spouse, and my sister dealt with the moving company, separating  what was going with us, what was being donated and what the movers would  handle.  We worked for the better part of a week.  Of course we were hampered by mom and dads  presence and doctor visits too. 

I’m sorry that you’ve had to do this on your own.  It’s so stressful on top of the stress you’ve already had.  But the move  will get done, and you won’t have to do the drive anymore. 

abc123

Both siblings agree that dad is having problems BUT they don’t step up to help. I knew that would be the case when the move began. I knew it. Why can’t I let it go. For my own sake I need to let it go. I feel like crap for my parents. My siblings and I always had everything we needed because of our parents. We weren’t a perfect family but we were a family. 

Today was so stressful, it was insane. There was also confusion with the realtor about part of a collection. I had to unpack 25 boxes that hadn’t been labeled. That burnt up valuable time but on the bright side, the missing items were accounted for. Hopefully the moving company will show up tomorrow as promised. 

Mom is losing weight like crazy. She is starting to look like a skeleton. She sleeps a lot and when she’s awake she just stares into space. When asked if she’s hungry she bats her eyes, that means yes. She enjoys ice cream and fruit juice. The new baby no longer registers with her. She did attempt to smile at my sister when she arrived. That was a great moment! I’m grateful she still eats and I’m grateful she still likes ice cream. I’m grateful that I had such a beautiful mother, her heart! Kind and caring. She’s still here yet I miss her. I keep trying to remember the last conversation we had and what her voice was like. I feel lost. Inside myself, I feel lost. I prayed all day today. Every chance I had, I prayed. I asked for help to be kind and gentle with dad. I prayed to accomplish good things today. I prayed for everyone here. I prayed for peace between dad and me. I prayed to be mindful of my blessings. Everyone here is a blessing to me. I am grateful for each and every person here. 

M1

Abc I'm so sorry, sometimes it just feels like there's no end to the stress. That feeling of running on pure adrenaline is a terrible one I know, I'm still in it too. Hope they show was planned tomorrow. I hate that this is all on your shoulders. Be careful driving.

Joydean

ABC, I’m so sorry, more stress that you don’t need. I pray God gives you the strength and wisdom to get all this done. Your love for your mom and dad is such a blessing. Be safe! 

LadyTexan

My dear friend abc. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I wish so badly that I could help. 

Your love and commitment to your parents is endless. You are an angel indeed. You are an amazing human being. So much of this is out of your control.

You have so much on your shoulders already, the frustration you have with your siblings is real and they have certainly earned it. It is not fair. Not one bit. When I get caught up in the feelings of unfairness because of things I cannot control I tell myself corny sayings that actually (eventually) help me:

1. Let it go or be dragged.
2. Swim baby, swim. Imagine you are a passenger on the Titanic. It wasn't supposed to sink....but it is sinking. Ask yourself: Should I stand on the deck and be frustrated that it is sinking? or should I use my energy to swim away? Consider, the ship sinking is your siblings not stepping up, even though they have been well cared for in your family. Swim away from the feelings of unfairness and resentment and save your energy for the good that you continue to do.

I know letting it go is so very hard. I know my sayings are corny in the face of real life feelings and frustrations. The corny sayings help me eventually. I hope they help you too.

Please be careful and safe my dear friend. Please take care. You are not alone. You are in my prayers. May God give you strength and patience and peace.

With love and admiration for all you do for your loved ones and all of us.

-LT

Ed1937

Abc, You undertook a Hurculean job. I'm so sorry others didn't help out the way they should have. You and your father both did the best you possibly could. You should be proud of that, and you will be proud of it for the rest of your life. What you did is not a one person job. I'm a little surprised you could get done what you did. 

I'm also sorry Mom is in such shape. Hopefully when things settle down a little, things will get better for her and the rest of you.

I know it's hard to let go of the fact that your sister and brother did not step up for you. And you seem to be grieving on top of that. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor if you need one. A good counselor can really be a big help. For now, rest when you can.

harshedbuzz

abc123-

You've got this. You are managing this as well as anyone could under the circumstances. And your poor dad should not be managing any of this at his age. Your choice to prioritize mom's care over real estate and "stuff" was completely appropriate; boo on your siblings for dropping the ball on dad when he needed them. I wonder if he might not have been cooperative with them and maybe blew them off.

I dealt with a lot of clean-outs and moves as a result of dementia. My aunt's place (more of a compound) in Maine took 3 trips each a week long during which I discovered a cottage of boxes I had packed in the late 1970s when she retired. My mother wanted some of the contents and I actually had to make a side trip into town and ship them to her house in FL. Aunt was already in MC, so this was sad but straightforward- and something of a treasure hunt with all of the Benjamins, crossword grids and guns we found in strange places.

Then my dad was finally diagnosed well into the mid-stages and I had to cull through her 2 houses, stage them, list them, rent one and sell the other and then sell the first one and decide what to do with all the stuff. This was harder because of my mom. On one hand she was grateful for the move closer to family and for the help she was getting, but she ran hot and cold in terms of cooperating- in a lot of ways she was more challenging than my dad and he was hell-on-wheels even before dementia. During the move from the beach place into an apartment and storage, I developed a tic in my right eye from her nonsense.

I tried to remain empathetic and mindful that moving from your home at almost 80 and curating a lifetime of processions into a 1200sqft apartment as well as losing your social world and warm winters was a big ask. But in the back of my mind, I could not shake that I saw the signs of dad's cognitive shift almost a decade before this became an emergency and tried to get them to make decisions to prepare for this eventuality and they both fought me with everything they had. 

And once I got her settled, she decided she wanted to buy a house. So we found her a house and made that happen which meant another physical move. When it was time to sell FL, dad had progressed to a point where he needed her, so I was able to do that move with my nice as helper using the POA. It was so much easier to do without her "help".

We removed the personal stuff to a PODS including that box I had packed in PA for my aunt when I was 22, and then shipped from Maine to FL where I put it in the PODS and shipped it back to PA. And I kept it because it's going to end up here eventually.

HB

toolbeltexpert

Abc I am amazed at all you have been thru and  your care for all your family is amazing. You managed things like a pro.I am praying for you and yours and a better day. Thanks for your updates.

abc123

Good morning to my forum brothers and sisters! I have adopted each of you, you are my new siblings. I can always count on you. Your reply’s were taken to heart, a grateful heart! I will swim away from the sinking ship and keep swimming. 

The caregiver just sent a picture of momma. That was a nice surprise. 

I think of all of you here all thru out my days. For instance, every time I feed ice cream to momma, I think of Crushed and his dear wife. Every time I drive by a tennis court, I think of Keep It At 100 and her dear husband who has died from this awful disease. Thank you for the support and encouragement and sharing your trials. 

Dad is calling! 

ButterflyWings

(((abc123))) You are amazing and indeed an angel. I think you most certainly have been, and are, helping your dad. No question. I learned on these boards that "those who are useless are useless". Try to let go of any expectations of those who are proving undependable, so you don't stress yourself even more. And just keep swimming! You are almost to shore. I too am learning when to Let Go... of other things, responsibilities or people, so as not to be dragged. Plus adding this one - First Things First. Your planning, diligence, great instincts, faith, and tenacity got your dear mom moved and settled in, and now are tackling this next task with Dad, which is just in time. 

Although not perfect, it is possible this work he's been doing to prep for the move, is exactly what he needed to distract and keep his mind off the end stage progression and ambiguous loss of his life partner. Honestly, it sounds like he and you are both a tremendous team right now at such a tough time and you're getting so much done that I'm not sure I'd be nearly as successful at. Really, truly.

So VERY sorry for the added stress! Praying with you! Blessings to the caregiver for that thoughtful check-in with your dear mom. Since you cannot be in 2 places at one time that is the next best thing.