I lost it

Buggsroo

I was working from home today. My husband keeps asking me for food but only eats a few mouthfuls. So I made him an omelet. He ate that. He wanted to go to bed so gave him his pills and got him into bed. 

He came downstairs, our bathroom is upstairs. He was naked even though I had asked him to keep his depends on. The distance from the bedroom to the bathroom is just a minute or two. Instead he came downstairs and was wandering around the kitchen. Then it happened. Poo everywhere. Spatters on the cupboards, massive splats on the floor, the fridge and the window seat also covered in splats. Him pushing feces down the sink drain. I just stood there stunned. He has poo splats all over him. I lost it. I started sobbing and donned the blue rubber gloves. As I cleaned, I cursed him, shrieking and crying like mad. He sat his poo stained butt on our couch which set me off again. 

I cleaned it all up but it took forever. I cleaned him up, the floor and the surfaces where all the splats with Clorox, my go to. I said awful things, I couldn’t stop myself. He didn’t remember what I said thank heavens. 

Pat6177

(((Buggsroo))) I wish I had words of wisdom. All I can say is that if I was pushed to the limit like that, I probably would have also vented in a passionate manner. You are perfectly human and humans aren’t perfect. It’s painfully hard, hang in there!

sandwichone123

Oh my! What a horrible change of plans for the evening. I'm so sorry to hear it. I think a saint would have had the entire same response--what an emotional overload, to say nothing of the work and just the damage to your personal space.

Stella Luna

Buggsroo, I am so sorry you had to go through that and clean the mess. Please give yourself a break, call a caregiver and do something you really enjoy. You need to replenish yourself in order to continue caring for your DH. Sending love your way.

Gig Harbor

You poor lady! That would have pushed me over the edge and I would have responded exactly like you did. Is there any way that you could consider placement? Sometimes you have just done all that you can do and it is time to save yourself.

jmlarue

I've already told everyone - family members, doctors, VA social workers, on down the line...bowel incontinence is the line in the sand for me. My husband will need to be placed in an appropriate care facility as quickly as possible if that day should come. I know I would not be any better at handling that unholy mess than you were so I just don't dare try to endure it. This dementia has stolen so much from me already. Working and living in a sewer is a bridge too far. 

I'm sorry I can't remember the details of your situation. What is holding you back from placing your DH? 

ImMaggieMae

Oh Buggsroo, I feel so bad for you, having to go through all of that. If you hadn’t lost it, I would be nominating you for sainthood! I’ve certainly lost it over less. Don’t you wish you could just put a big drain in the center of some rooms and just hose the whole thing down with a power washer? 

The most difficult thing sometimes is that DH looks the same as he did before (provided I keep him shaved and hair combed) but his actions and attitude are completely different. We’re not dealing with the same person anymore. It is so incredibly difficult. I hope you can find a way to get away alone for a few hours.

June45

Buggsroo, I can't even imagine having to deal with that.  I would have reacted as you did, probably worse.

abc123

Bugs, I’m so sorry! I hate this disease for all of us. I probably would have responded the same way. I’m so sorrry.

Ed1937

You poor lady. You deserve sainthood for cleaning up all that stuff, even though you lost it. I doubt there is anyone here who wouldn't have lost it. I'm sorry.

toolbeltexpert

Buggsroo I can't imagine, you are one tough lady, I mean it. I nominate you for the sainthood cause you continue your care.you are battle ready fall back again regroup. Praying  for a better day.

caberr

Oh, you are not the only one to do that!  But my DH seems to always remember when I get frustrated and upset.

JDancer

Your spouse is blessed to have you caring for him. I hope I have your strength as my DH's dementia progresses.

Buggsroo

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your replies. I cannot place My husband yet because he still is somewhat coherent. I have an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist in May, and he is getting a cat scan in June. Up here in Canada, it can take a long time to get things sorted. 

I did tell him I couldn’t keep doing this. He takes off his depends at night so I dread a bed incident. I know he is damaged and the wonderful man who make me scream with laughter is gone. I am accepting this but the deep sadness can be overwhelming. I woke up this morning quite depressed but came down the basement and started doing a really complicated cable knitting pattern and my spirits lifted. I still see vestiges of poo that escaped my Clorox soaked cloth but I will conquer them.

I don’t know what I would do without you all here in this forum. My antidepressant medication has many repeats so I’m good.

ImMaggieMae

This morning was my turn, on a smaller scale. DH has been running up and down the stairs all morning, to the upstairs bathroom. This time he was gone a little longer. I went up there to find him dressed, but poo all over the toilet seat, the floor in the toilet area, a hairbrush on the floor covered with it and a handtowel. He got an iron grip on his sweatpants and depends underneath them which were filled. I finally got them off of him and got him into the shower. Thank goodness for my sister who lives here too. Then I got the toilet and floor cleaned up. I threw out the hairbrush. There was no way I was going to tackle a dense natural bristle brush. Another load of wash and got him into clean clothes. Yeah, I lost it too, especially during the resistance to removing the dirty pants. Buggsroo, this is the house on the other poo corner!  I was thinking about you and didn’t feel as alone while I was cleaning up the mess. Partners in poop.

Buggsroo

Im maggie May,

Sorry about the way your handle appears, autocorrect is the bane of my existence. I so get what you had to do. That hairbrush would have been chucked if that had happened here. I am so sorry, would have liked to be the solitary member of the poo club. The outdoor cushions did not escape the deluge and will be taken down to the dumpster under the cover of darkness. 

I went out for a few hours today to get groceries and just to feel the sunlight on my face. I am feeling better. I am also trying what to feed my husband, a work in progress. I am not sure if this is another phase of the disease. I looked it up and less interest in food is a worsening of the disease. Thanks again everyone for your compassion towards me.

Joydean

Oh Buggsroo, I am in agreement with all the others, sainthood for sure! I honestly don’t know how you could possibly have cleaned that up without coming unglued. 

Glad you were able to get out for a short time. Fresh air and sunshine! Please take care of yourself! 

ButterflyWings

Omg  Buggsroo, No!!! I, too, have lost it for far less. Omgh my gross.

And IMM, my heart goes out to you both. Poo partners, wow that you can laugh. This post just gave me an attitude adjustment as I’ve been lamenting the faint scent of wet diaper in the bathroom and hall lately. Could be (and has been) worse. But only during some infection and antibiotics-induced diarrhea one day last year. And he was so sick, weak, and confused he just let me help him get cleaned up and changed without the death grip on his Depends (IMM, I know, what is that?!)

Buggs, did you get to pull back on his dairy intake? I would for sure be using Metamucil and fiber options to at least make his output more solid. And is there any way to get him into back-opening garments? Because this is really just too much. The kitchen sink?! You could get really sick from bacteria in food areas you know. 

Our bathroom is literally right outside the bedroom door, and DH often walks right past it, looking for the john. Maybe your DH is forgetting where it is and came looking for you instead. I’m so sorry you are going through this . Great that you could get outside and also do some cableknitting - impressive skill and good self care in the face of a sh*##y situation. 

Jo C.

Dearest Canadian friend, Bugsie:  Words are not sufficient; I am truly and deeply so sorry.  You are an amazing carer with an amazing spirit and keep rising to each challenge so very capably, I would not be of such strong spirit and that's an understatement.  

Certainly, there must be some way that admission to a care setting for a good fit could be done in Canada. I know the system there is far different, but under the circumstances . . . . !   Sadly, if one is seen as a competent and willing caregiver, perhaps that puts you down low on the care needs list.

What would happen if you no longer could provide care?  Would you then be able to transition your DH to an alternative care setting?  May be time to look a bit wimpy, or a lot wimpy.

By the way, Buck and Buck catalog has wonderful adaptable clothing.  I think they also send to Canada.   If you take a look, there are all sorts of clothing options for men. In some styles they look just like any other clothing, but actually close down the back so the person cannot access their clothing to get at the Depends, etc.  These come in regular looking clothing, sweat suit styles, and nightwear. May be worth taking a look.

Buck and Buck catalog link:  https://www.buckandbuck.com/

I send warm thoughts your way up there and so hope this does not repeat itself.  If he has such severe diarrhea movements, it may be he has an intestinal bug that needs special care.  This means stool samples would have to go to lab for identification, but worth doing it if there would be treatment for an ongoing problem.   Wonder if he has been on an antibiotic or in a care setting any time in the last six months or so . . . one would then wonder about C. difficile. 

Anyway, will be thinking of you and hoping for the very best as can be for you, you really are an exceptional person and I really am amazed at your fortitude.  Hail Clorox!

J.

loveskitties

Dear ladies of the poo club,

I can not even imagine having to deal with what you have to.

There are no words that you could have said in that situation which would remove the halo above your heads.

My sympathies are with each of you for all you endure to care for your LO.

Hugs

ElaineD

Dear Bugsroo:

I would have lost it completely.   I know you can't help feeling guilty about it, once you've calmed down.  But we all are advising you to be gentle with yourself.

AND I am so disabled I will have a Power Chair soon.  I cannot stand, never mind clean up anything.  I know that probably long before my husband has bowel incontinence, he will probably need help with activities of daily life, and I won't be able to help him.  So he will need placement in Assisted Living at that time.

The irony is that he is MY caretaker, so I may have to move into assisted living withhim!

I have only one suggestion for when 'the sh-- hits the fan' (let's hope it never does).

Walking carefully, lead the PWD into the bathroom, clean him/her, put on clean Pullups, and lead him/her to a chair to watch TV (if possible).

The pooh can wait until that is done.

You seem to have a good handle on cleaning up the mess.  Again, because of my disability I could not begin to clean up.

I also think that caretakers for a PWD should:

investigate assisted living and care facilities

talk with home health aide providers to understand fees and services

locate inpatient mental health facilities (in hospitals), 

begin an understanding of the hospice providers in the area (all hospice providers are not the same).

And most of all interview and engage the services of an Elder Care attorney,, preferably with national certification.   This will begin the process of evaluating your assets and putting in place a plan for possible application for Medicaid for the PWD.

In our case, all of our assets are in pre-tax accounts, and we no longer have any property. The cost of taking our assets out in order to put them into a tax shelter is far greater than just spending down the assets (his, in his name) and then applying for Medicaid for him.

My HWD is still in the first stage of vascular dementia, and life is easy now.  I just have to remember not to correct him when he confuses  dates, events, etc. when he's talking at the dinner table.  I also don't argue with him when he confuses things when talking to me.

Recently he couldn't find the television remote control.  He kept searching in places that he would NEVER have put it.  I tried to talk with him, but reached my limit and said I no longer wanted to discuss what happened to the remote.

He then decided that someone  had come in to our apartment and taken it!  I was dumbfounded!

I then asked if he had searched around his recliner.  He said he had, but I suggested that he look again.   Sure enough it was under the recliner.

This is the second time he's become convinced that someone was stealing things from our apartment.  The first time it was because he couldn't find the power protein bars that he stores in the kitchen.  I imagine he had eaten them all.

He was sure the housekeepers were taking them, even tho' he stores them on the top shelf of the kitchen cupboards and even I can't reach them (I'm 5'8').

All of the housekeepers are very short ladies.  And who in their right mind would take power bars from a client's house, risking their job?

Oh, well, it is an adventure.

Regards, Elaine

jfkoc

It happens....both the mess and the reaction. It really is horrible.

I was told to put  spray tops on bottles hydrogen peroxide and have them the the bathrooms and kitchen. It was also suggested that shaving cream was the best at removing poop from people and that Viva was the best paper towel for thiskind of cleanup.

Regretfully I will share that if your husband is anything like mine was he will appear naked naked again regardless of your "reminders" but I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Hoot619

I went thru that yesterday, she had eaten 5 bananas 5or 6 ice cream sandwiches while I was outside. Had to clean her up 3 times, had a friend over for supper and she was at the table with messy pants, glad we couldn't smell it then. Sometimes do a wash 2-3 times a day.  I hate to say it but I'm glad I'm not the only one .

Buggsroo

Update here.

I decided to cut back on dairy and fats. Wow, not as many incidents. He drinks diet ginger ale and it is Canada Dry diet. He literally drinks four or five cans a day. It beggars the imagination. Hoot, my husband loves bananas too. I don’t let him have ice cream anymore, he gets frozen yoghurt, that helps too. I give him jello for dessert and a piece of banana bread. 

He takes his underwear off and leaves them around the house. He also pees himself now, so he will be wearing depends on a regular basis. Thanks everyone for your compassion.

Jo C.

Bugsroo; the diet sodas may well be causing and/or be contributing to the diarrhea.  Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale contains two artificial sweeteners:  Ace-K, and aspartame.  Each can cause diarrhea.  In fact it has been described as having an "osmotic laxative effect."  Diarrhea is one of the most common reactions to diet foods including Ace-K, aspartame, xylitol, sorbital, sucralose, etc.:  pretty much all of them.

Of interest, which I was not aware of, are the neurological effects these sweeteners are capable of having including all sorts of behavioral issues.  Good grief, little did I know.

So . . . may want to do a little Googling or see if you cannot get your HWD to drink something else, or . . .

Anyway; cutting down the fats a good thing, but the artificial sweeteners have probably been arm in arm with the fats to wreak havoc on the GI tract.

Best wishes sent to you and so hope that the worst of the worst does not happen again.

J.

Assisi

Ok. Here I am. My first post. My DH was diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago. A year ago we moved 1200 mi to be near family. So grateful for that decision. Skip is a mechanical engineer that can barely do anything mechanical now. Just recently I realized I needed to take charge of his meds and I have to stand right there to watch him take them or he may get distracted and not do it. My big concern right now is that he is dozing everywhere and at any time of the day while sitting.  I work hard to keep him stimulated and busy but I can't do it 100% of the time. For 9 years before retiring I was an eldercare advisor. I'm glad for the experience and knowledge but of course now that I'm living it myself, it's totally different. I know that sleeping a lot is usually considered end of life behavior so this sleeping behavior at this stage doesn't jive. I'm open to learning and to your wisdom. Thanks!

toolbeltexpert

Assisi  sorry you've had to join this group. And I understand being greatful for past experience,but it is sure different when it's your own 24/7/365. I would suggest that you start a new thread as you will get much more response from other folks.  I cannot offer any helpful advice as my dw isn't  that far down the road. It would be helpful information, does skip take any meds?

jmlarue

It is good advice to start your own individual post in order to get more answers. However, just in case you decide not to do that, I'll respond here. With all things dementia, I have to ask myself, "When is a problem not a problem?" Answer: When fixing something invariably leads to unintended consequences. Let the man sleep and consider those dozing episodes caregiver respite. If it does your DH no harm and does some good for you, let sleeping dogs lie (pun intended). As hard as you may try to keep your DH active and involved in life, there comes a point in every dementia journey where that's just not possible anymore. It's not a reflection on you as a caregiver.

Laurention

Hi Bugs....I'm so sorry ...The first time I did the "poo" think I really didn't think I could do it.  I don't have the words to describe it all..To this day people ask what it was like..My answer is you haven't really haven't  lived until you've been up at 3:00 AM  laundering bed  sheets !

Like yourself I'm a Canuck ..Navigating our health systems can be a challenge..My late DW was EOAD ..Convincing the health care people that this 60 year old lady needed LTC was a long and rough road .. Keep this old saying in mind "squeaky wheel gets the grease"  ..

Placing her was a heart wrenching decision ..That being said ..the demands of 24 hour care was killing me..I can say without a doubt the incontinence, coupled with the night wandering was a "poo"  nightmare.

After placement I did find myself a little bored and lonely..So to occupy my body and mind, I tore up the stained carpet..Bought a new box spring and mattress new sheets and comforter. Hired a pro to renovate the bathroom. I painted every square inch of the house.

 EOAD took my DW in January 21.. I miss her everyday.

Best of luck

       Mike