Memory care placement, two months later

billS

Dear friends, it has been two months since I placed my wife into memory care, a decision that you helped me make. Sorry I've neglected to report back, this is an overdue update. First, thank you all for supporting me in this decision. It is crystal clear that it was the right move for both my wife and myself.

Initially I feared my wife would be troubled by living with others who were in later stages of dementia than she. But she actually adapted very fast and participated in activities and socialized with other residents and staff. I have been very impressed with the caring and conscientious staff members, who go out of their way in caring for residents' needs. Knowing my wife was safe and well cared for I could now get good sleep, keep up with work and have a life again. That has been a huge relief for me.

Unfortunately her dementia has gotten steadily worse, so she is now among the lower functioning residents. She has fallen twice since moving to MC, fracturing a hip the first time and falling on her face the second. These incidents seem to have accelerated her mental decline. Her bladder incontinence is now a regular thing and she can not speak coherently. She has lost strength and coordination and is basically wheelchair bound although she does sometimes use a walker. She only takes short catnaps so she is constantly sleep deprived, and so far nothing her doctors have prescribed has helped her insomnia. But fortunately her sweet nature is still there and she seems content. All in all there is just no way I would have been able to manage keeping her at home while maintaining my own sanity.

Ed1937

Bill, I would say that overall that is a positive post. I'm sorry she has progressed more, but glad she acclimated quickly to new surroundings. It has certainly been a good thing for you. I'm glad you made the move before it was too late for you.

Quilting brings calm

BillS - I’m sorry she has progressed.  As you know , that’s the trajectory of this wretched disease,   Doesn’t matter what we do or where they are, the road is one way.  I’m glad you are returning to your life and I’m sure your work productivity has improved.  Which is vital to your finances. Thanks for the update.

Beachfan

BillS,

Thanks for the update, but I am sorry to read of your DW’s decline.  My DH is 4 months in placement, and more severely compromised than his cottage mates.  I had done so much for him prior to MC, I wasn’t aware how far he had progressed. It was eye opening and somewhat shocking.  Thankfully, there have been no serious falls or other incidents.  

I am in total agreement with you where reclaiming your life is concerned.  That has been the biggest adjustment as well as the most satisfying for me.  DH is well cared for, in good hands, and I can rediscover the kids, grandkids, and activities that have been on the back burner for so long.  I vacillate between feeling sad and happy.  I am alone, but not lonely; I am content and at peace.  I wish none of us needed to be on this forum, but am thankful for all of you!  Best wishes going forward, Bill.   

billS

Thank you all for your thoughts. The hardest part for me has been that everywhere I look I see things she and I accomplished as a team, and now she is not here to enjoy them - our home, gardens, orchard, and good friends and neighbors. Sometimes I actually feel like I have survivor's guilt, sitting on the porch watching a beautiful sky or preparing a meal that was one of her favorites. But of course were she here she would not remember any of our past or appreciate the joy we have shared over the past 46 years.

M1

Dear Bill, you have had so much happen in such a short period of time.  I am following right in your footsteps, heard from my first choice MCF this morning and there's where we're headed.

I am so sorry your dear wife didn't have much stable time there once you got her moved.  That has made it doubly difficult for you, I'm sure.  Steep slope.  I hope she is comfortable, and that you are at peace with it as much as you can be.

Glad to hear from you my friend. I know exactly what you mean, everything on our farm is/was a joint project, and now that spring is ramping up, I miss her presence terribly.  I got my potatoes in this weekend--but I don't know who will eat them now.  There is both pleasure in living surrounded by a place she made so beautiful (I have sweat equity, but she was the inspiration), and exquisite pain that she is not here to share it.  She left me a lot to live up to.

French

Dear Bill, sorry that your wife declined so quickly and happy she continues to appreciate the place you found for her.

It’s 2 months for us. He also has declined. He speech is no more coherent. Sometimes, he cries. The caregiver thinks it is because he miss his children. When I call him he always tells me that everything is fine. Now the sport coach come 3 times per week. He sleeps better now that he watches TV with the other resident before going to bed. 

3 weeks ago I was very depressed, but now I am better. I continue to call every day

Vitruvius

I am very appreciative of those who post their experiences with placement.

I am wrestling with this issue now.  I have seen that "you will know when it's time" for placement, but for me I don't have a clue when placement would be the answer.  DW is terribly attached to me, she has been strongly resisting going to her day program, particularly on Mondays.  This is stressing me out as the program gives me the only break from her need for my undivided attention, yet can not join me in any activity to pass the time.  She has begun bowel incontinence off and on, but resists wearing "absorbent underwear" [as I call it] as a preemptive measure.

So thanks to all who continue to update their MC experiences, it really helps. 

60 falcon

Vitruvius wrote:

I am wrestling with this issue now.  I have seen that "you will know when it's time" for placement, but for me I don't have a clue when placement would be the answer.  DW is terribly attached to me, she has been strongly resisting going to her day program, particularly on Mondays.  This is stressing me out as the program gives me the only break from her need for my undivided attention, yet can not join me in any activity to pass the time. 

I sure do understand all that, so much like our story here, but  I'm to the point I knew I was ready to place her a couple months ago.  It's her neediness, her need for one-on-one attention, that caused my selected AL/MC to deny her when they did her assessment.  They had a room and were willing to take her up to that point.  Talk about feeling sucker punched and pissed. 

Good luck.

billS

60 Falcon, that must feel like a slap in the face. Most all MC patients NEED lots of attention, right? 

This morning I got another phone call from her MC facility, my wife had fallen yet again for the third time in 12 days. This time it was just a scrape on the head so I declined the paramedics' recommendation to take her to the ER. I went in to see her but she was sleeping soundly so I left and came back a few hours later, then washed her feet, gave her a pedicure and spent a long time massaging her feet and legs which are still swollen from a previous fall and hip fracture surgery. She enjoyed that but after 45 minutes wanted to get out of the recliner and do her energizer bunny imitation by cruising around in her wheelchair. She has a great appetite, so luckily I had brought a muffin with me so I wheeled her up to a table and, as she tucked into the muffin I made my exit. Now I'm home hoping the phone does not ring with news of yet another fall.

Joydean

BillS, I’m sorry to hear about your dear wife’s rapid decline. Bless her heart, 3 falls in 12 days! I hope you don’t get any more calls about falling for a while. Glad you’re able to take care of your farm. Watching sunsets are a very peaceful thing to enjoy. 

Thanks for sharing. Have missed hearing from you. Take care. 

60 falcon

I also like reading these posts about how placement is going for those of you who've recently done it.  BillS, I'm glad the adjustment for you and your wife has been pretty good.