Police were called!

riajean

My poor DH is having outbursts again.  After a few weeks of increased meds to calm him, again, it's starting.  Got a call on Monday that he was walking the halls and suddenly grabbed a woman's arm who happened to be beside him and threw her to the ground.  No one was hurt, but they had to call me, make a report.  You know...the drill. 

Just before then - well a couple of hours anyway - his nephew had called him with no recollection on his part, his nephew texted me saying it was probably the last time he'd call due to my DH's response.  My husband cannot understand words, so has no idea how to converse.  Thought that maybe it was the cause of his freaking out.

Today, while at work and already having quite a stressful day, the MC community calls me saying last night the police had to be called in around 9 ish because my husband was suddenly very combative at having to get ready for bed, yelling, throwing a chair, lashing out, becoming scary.  The nurse and others not able to calm him called the police to restrain him.  Isn't that just a kick to the head?!

I get to hear this, nothing I can do, nothing I can say, but they have to tell me.  I'm sobbing on the phone and that's just the way it is.  Another increase in meds.  This IS THE DISEASE, but you know what?  I just want it to be over.  Whether this sounds horrible or not, my beloved husband, friend and lover of 50 years - I just want it to be over. 

abc123

Dear riajean, I hate this disease with every part of my existence, absolutely hate it. It spares us nothing. I want this to be over for my loved one also. You are not horrible, this disease is horrible and it changes all of us.

Buggsroo

Riajean, I am so sorry. I know this is an awful disease, it gets worse and never better. Even my mother said to me as she dropped me off at the subway entrance: “going back to your awful life”. I did laugh ruefully, it was a nice break, but yes, I get you totally.

Ed1937

Oh no! I'm so sorry. It is easy to understand when you say you want it to be over. I don't think you are the only one here feeling this way.

jfkoc

Time to get ready for  bed?

 What if someone wants to stay up? How can it be so serious that a battle insues and the authorities have to be called? Do they have no training to care for a person who becomes combative...like walk away?

. Can't they handle someone staying awake or even sleep in their clothes? 

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, rjajean.  I have been there with my son, and it just made me want to die.  Hope it's over for you soon.

riajean

Dear jfkoc, no one forces him to do anything and as many times as I ask about what could possibly have been a trigger, the answer is there is no trigger.  It just happens.  He's smiling the next morning like nothing happened.  I'm sure he's frustrated he can do nothing by himself and I'm sure that a lot of this lashing out has to do with that frustration and just the disease pushing him to believe things that are not real, scaring him, and more.

As  much as I love him, it takes me hours and hours to recover from a call like the one I got today.  The place he's at specializes in dementia care - that's it, so they are well versed in what might happen and how to deal with it.  Obviously, he was out of control as this is the first time the staff felt like they needed the police to restrain him.

Just breaks my heart and the staff knows it full well.  They are incredibly sympathetic but it doesn't heal my heart or allow me to feel better about the situation  If my husband were in his right mind, he'd be shocked if he knew what he was doing.  Just not the kind, loving, gentle man I left there only 7 short months ago.  He's changed so dramatically, hardly even looks like I remember, his eyes have completely changed.  It's hard to look at him, but I still want and need to see him, be with him, just hold him.

You're right about this disease and the toll it takes on everyone.  Praying for an early release if at all possible.  God is the only one who can choose when someone's life is over, but I'm asking for mercy.  Just can't understand what use life could be with someone so sick.  Still crying.

Thank you for your kind remarks, everyone. 

M1

Right there with you riajean.  Death would be a welcome release.  Thinking about you.  Wish there were more we could do.

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White Crane

What you said about just wanting it to be over does not sound horrible.  This is a horrible disease and it destroys the ones we love and breaks our hearts into too many pieces to count.  My heart goes out to you.  I understand.

PlentyQuiet

It's not horrible. When he has those times of strongly acting out he is not calm, happy or at peace. He may be terrified, angry, frustrated and hurt. None of us want that existence, even sporadically, for our spouse. 

To live a life of confusion and fear? No. I believe we would all choose a shorter life over that.

toolbeltexpert

I have been reading all the post and I agree with the wanting it to be over, having said that. Why do we do what we do. I don't have any good answer. Why do we feed them, clean them, take them to the doctor after all we know. And for many of us that is our decision, If we have the necessary legal paperwork. I dread that day when I have to make the call of enough I am ready to let go and give back to God what is His. I have known folks who were  sound in their mind,  who stopped dialysis 2 weeks later they were gone. I know someone sound of mind again quit eating same thing. They had lots of visitors in those last days and it seemed as peaceful as any way to go. I just wanted to say what I said. I am in no way trying to push somebody to make that call any quicker. We are all feeling the things of life in our hearts. The things we feel give us heart aches not headaches, a deep down lump in the chest, I think that's because God dwells there and is with us,He knows!

Riajean sorry for all the trials you have been thru sending my hugs your way.

toolbeltexpert

jfkoc wrote:

Time to get ready for  bed?

 What if someone wants to stay up? How can it be so serious that a battle insues and the authorities have to be called? Do they have no training to care for a person who becomes combative...like walk away?

I agree with you. I have watched a lot of Teepa Snow videos that give caregivers the stuff to see what's going on and to help the pwd.  I an not sure that those techniques work for everyone, but training makes the world of difference. I have spent much time with mcf personal who had that training, it does work. Wished I would learn quicker.

. Can't they handle someone staying awake or even sleep in their clothes? 

Marie58

I'm so sorry this is happening. I get what you mean about wanting it over. DH is bedbound and late stage. Needs to be handfed, nonverbal, etc. I pray every day that the Good Lord takes him home soon. But I also find some peace in knowing that all things happen in God's time. Bless you and your DH.

jfkoc

" my husband was suddenly very combative at having to get ready for bed, "

I just took this at face value. My mistake.

Lynne D

Riajean, you are entitled to your feelings. They are not right or wrong, they just are. And you can see that it looks like we all have them from time to time. 

For the sake of you both, I hope they arrive at a medication level that works for him. As hard as it is for you, I hear your empathy for him in that he must feel so very threatened and insecure to act as he does. You are a wonderful partner in this hellish journey.

riajean

Dear Victoria2020, I hear you but don't feel these people are a careless bunch, collecting their due and then going home to their happy lives.  I've sent lists by email (thanks to coaching by Dr. Tam Cummings) to them asking for pain evaluation; hospice evaluation and more.  Mostly, I hear back on part of my requests but not all and that is a frustration, but I get reminded (woefully) their staff is short and they cannot tend 24/7 to every one of them as they'd like, but they try.  They are sympathetic and they've assured me they would not ask him to move out as they understand the disease, but they have to have him subdued so he and other residents are safe.  I'm too close to this, too emotional sometimes and feel helpless a lot of the time.  He can be evaluated to the moon but it won't change the fact he's dying from a disintegrating brain.

jfkoc

I would think they would welcome Hospice to come onboard. Why not go ahead and call several to interview.