A Crazy Week that Ends with Questions

Cinsababe

Sorry for this long post that is long overdue:

    My DH has continued to progress. Many of you will remember he scored 13/30 on his MoCa in January so the neuro ordered a pet scan.  We see the doc 4/13 to go over the results, but the online report says it showed Alzheimers. His behavior still suggests bvFTD as well. I am disabled myself, physically and more so right now with a broken foot having fallen down our stairs and am currently in a cast and unable to drive.

   In the meantime, DH has been off the rails.  He feels that all of his freedoms have been taken and so he is lashing out.  The neuro said in January that he can't be left alone and that he shouldn't be allowed to ever have his power tools and should be supervised with regular tools.  He disdains this decision.  It all culminated this week when I couldn't find my extra set of car keys.  Meanwhile he asked if he could have extra cash in his wallet--I had removed his credit cards months ago when he was ordering large quantities of vitamins on line. 

  On Sunday his exwife called to let me know he had confided in her that he had stolen my keys and was planning an "escape."  He surrendered his license a year ago under doctor's orders.  I immediately had my brother remove my car from the premises and started looking for the keys in to no avail.  I also confiscated his wallet and was surprised to find replaced credit cards which I removed along with all of the cash.  I asked for his "help" in locating my "lost" keys and told him our car couldn't be back home until I found them.  Two days later he presented me with the keys and told me he had taken them and asked for his wallet.  He was furious that his money and cards were gone, but I explained that it was for his own safety and that it was not a good idea for him to leave our home and that I would have to call the police if he did. This resulted, as usual, in hits and kicks and cursing.

  The next morning he walked into the bedroom and said "Goodbye." and walked out our backdoor, down the alley and into the neighborhood behind ours and out of sight.  I was frantic, changed into clothes from my pajamas, hobbled after him, but of course could not keep up.  I called my brother who left work and drove around until he found him and forced him home. He proclaimed that this was just his test run and he would be going much further next time.

   Since my injury my brother and his wife have been helping us every day.  After this my brother suggested that we needed to just go ahead and move in with them permanently.  It would require us selling our home and building a small apartment onto their house.  It would make life much easier for everyone.  When I let my stepson know what was going on and what I would like to move ahead with he blew a gasket, complaining that I was taking  a major portion of his inheritance off of the table.  He said he and his sister would have to talk about that (neither of them live anywhere near or are involved in their dad's care and the house is in my name alone--done by an elder care attorney to protect it under medicaid laws).  Now he wants copies of our wills, poas, trusts, etc

   I emailed the neuro to let him know what was going on and see if he could help with DH's behavior.  His response came a few moments ago--no meds will help.  Use stronger guard rails for DH, get a GPS on him (he already has one) and call the police if necessary. He also suggested it may be time for him to have a guardian.

   So here are the questions:

1.  I have durable POA, legal, financial and health, freely given by DH when we met with the lawyer last year.  He wanted to be sure all assets were protected correctly in case of Medicaid so he agreed to everything the lawyer put forth.  Does he still need a guardian or does my POA cover everything?
2. How do I handle my step son who up to this point has expressed great support for whatever I decide to do?  He is the next in line POA if I am unavailable--can he take action against me? Or worse yet, stop me from doing what I know to be the best plan for DH and myself long term?
3. Is there some kind of security system any of you have used that requires a code to get out of the house?

As is often the case, today DH is sweet and kind and happy and seemingly unaware of the chaos he caused this week.  But that can change at any moment (ominous music playing in background)

    

Battlebuddy

   I am not up on all the legal things because I have never consulted an elder law attorney. But my gut reaction is do not submit all your legal papers to step son. It seems to me he might look for loop holes and try to protect “ his inheritance” . There is no inheritance till husband passes away. The finances belong to you and your husband alone. They are to be used for his care and your welfare once he passes. Period. The house is now yours alone I would think . It’s in your name. If it was me I would just say to step son, “ All the papers are in order. Your father took care of that last year” 

   When I reached the stage you are  in with leaving , I had double locks installed in the house. I carried the keys. I felt like a jailer but it had to be done. But my husband was less with it than your husband sounds.  He would just try the locks and give up. Same with the fence. Had to put small locks on the gates. He would jiggle the gates but couldn’t figure out how to open them. He never tried to jump the fence. Luckily that stage was quick for us. 

   Is he kicking and hitting you? 

Cinsababe

Unfortunately, yes, I do get hit and kicked. The doctor has been progressively increasing his meds which helps. He does not act out in this way when my family is there which is a lot of the reason I would like to make the move. Also, because of my own disabilities it would be better for me after he goes into long term care to not live alone.

Twin Mom

I am sorry you are going through all this.  I can't imagine a reason in the world the step son or daughter would have any right to your legal documents.  That being the case, I would not share them.  They are personal, period.

Secondly, it sounds like you are convinced your husband will go into long term care at some point, and have done your Medicaid planning.  That being the case, I would suggest him going into LTC as soon as you have met all of the timelines necessary for your Medicaid planning.  If he is hitting you now, most likely it will only get worse as he declines (which you already know).  If he has injured you or anyone else it is going to make him much harder to place.  My husband has bvFTD, and will be impossible to place other than the state hospital because of past aggression which is fully medicated at this point.  In my opinion, his past behavior wasn't "that" bad and nobody sustained any real harm....but it did result in criminal charges which had to be answered and honestly we were very lucky because someone could have been really hurt and he could have easily been killed by the police.  This was all before we had a diagnosis but were in the process.  I am still dealing with the legal and financial ramifications of all this and he remains clueless.

The places I have spoken to so far are not willing to take a "chance".  I am in the position I have the financial resources to pay, but because of possible behavior based on past behavior nobody has been willing to even consider him.  

Quilting brings calm

Cinsa..: call the lawyer who helped do the documents  last  year.  First discuss your step sons comments with him/her.   There is probably no inheritance for him to get.  His father will eventually be in long term care.  Whatever your lawyer was unable to protect for you will be spent while your husband is alive for his care.   What the lawyer was able to protect for you is most likely yours already and will not be something you inherit either  - because again there  won’t be any other assets left by his death.  Something that your step son should be reminded of us that you gave up your late husbands survivor benefits to marry his dad and you  deserve financial dignity after his dad’s death, 

Second - make sure you understand how selling the house and going to live with your brother and paying rent affects future Medicaid.  I’m not sure the cash proceeds from the sale of  the house would be as protected from Medicaid as the house itself. 

Other things to consider is how moving  the two of you into your brothers would affect your brother.  Will he be able to defuse your spouse if your spouse starts hitting you …. Or will  he end up in jail for trying to protect you and hitting your spouse? How will dealing with your spouse affect your brother in general. 

My thoughts are that you should get him in long term care and then move to your brothers, in that order.  Escaping or wandering is often the reason for people doing so. 

Battlebuddy

   On this site we have see all manner of craziness and unbelievable situations. Recently one member had her husband go off with children for a day out, only to have the children take the loved one to a lawyers office where the parent was coerced into writing a new POA making the kids in charge. I would like to tell you this was an isolated incident but it’s happened a few times. 

   In your situation, I would not let my husband go off with his son or daughter alone. Just go with them when they go out during business hours. Better safe then sorry.  

Cinsababe

Oh Twin Mom, I am sorry for your situation. It is one I am concerned about. Our doctor had me call our local sheriff last year and explain our situation just in case I or a neighbor needed to call the police. They have our house flagged in the system so if they get the call they will send an officer and an ambulance.

All weapons and tools are locked up. I now have a safe room and keep my keys and cell on me at all times. So far no serious injuries, just bruises and lots of threats but I am aware that can change in a flash. The specialist at MUSC was hoping to rule out ALZ so he could focus the meds on bvFTD, however the scan clearly showed ALZ.

I believe we are near the end of Stage 5. I am anxious to hear what the doc will say on the 13th about treatment and prognosis. 2 years ago they told me to expect about 5 years until he needed full-time care, but this year he has progressed very quickly.

Cinsababe

Thanks, some good thoughts. I would actually be buying into my brother's house and building the apartment. He and I would be on the deed for the whole property. The lawyer suggested this for medicaid purposes as renting would not work. It would all be done legally and above board. In our state of SC siblings can co-own property and still be medicaid eligible and not be subject to estate reclamation. 

I am ready to place him if the doc says that's where we are. I am also ready to try to keep him home longer if that would be better for him. I am looking forward to this app.  The wandering is very new and may be the tipping point.