Move to single level home? Or stay in our 2 Story home?

Mic’s Message

My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease in January 2022. We have legal guardianship of our 8year old and 3 year old grandchildren. My spouse has balance problems and has fallen down the stairs. Luckily minor injuries. There are no bedrooms or full bathrooms downstairs. Safety risks are high with upstairs, downstairs basement and step-down family room. I don’t really want to move all of us, but anxious of a serious fall and long term living arrangements. Our adult children do not want us to sell our home. I want to move to a single level home for long term care plan before my spouse physically declines more. I am the only caregiver to my spouse and care for our grandchildren. Thoughts, ideas and suggestions appreciated. I’m at a crossroads of how to move forward and keep everyone ok with hard choices.

Stenz

Hello Mic:  My Mother has AD, and my siblings and I have encouraged our Dad (primary caregiver) to sell their split-level home in favor of a one-level home for the same safety concerns you have pointed out that you are experiencing.  We've not been successful yet however in making that happen but continue our efforts.  If you haven't already, it may be time to call a family meeting with your adult children to explain why it is you should sell your current home in favor of a home that will provide a safe environment for your spouse.  In the end though, it is your decision and a solid decision at that, to move your spouse and grandchildren into a home that provides for that safe environment.  A fall at any age can be devastating, but a fall for an older person can be catastrophic and your adult children must be aware of what the consequences of that may be.  All the best...Stenz

Mic’s Message

Thank you for your supportive and agreeable words. I have talked with our children. They understand my position. They fear the move will be too disrupted to him and increase AD symptoms and point out risks will always be present even in a single level home. I understand their point. In the end, you are right. It is my decision. I just want to process and make the best decisions so everyone is ok. We are a blended family, it is their dad’s well-being and his resistance to moving.

Iris L.

Mic’s Message wrote:

I’m at a crossroads of how to move forward and keep everyone ok with hard choices.

Welcome!  You cannot keep everyone okay with hard choices because everyone has different perspectives and desired outcomes.  You are already raising small children again!  You cannot raise small active grandchildren and care for a declining PWD (person with dementia) in a two story house.  This is a common dilemma for YOUNG parents raising their own children and caring for their spouse or parent or grandparent with dementia.  My point is you have to do what's best for YOU, because YOU are the one who will be doing all the work and bearing the consequences when the inevitable crises arise.  Please read threads from members with small children.  Best wishes!

Iris L.

Stenz

As a retired military guy, in my career we moved more than a dozen times.  Our children adapted/adjusted to those moves.  While I understand a person with dementia doesn't favor change, it is in my humble opinion, they too will adapt to change and establish a "new" normal with their living conditions.  In the beginning, it will be a challenge, but I do believe they will adjust.  The risk of an injury due to a fall in a two-story house far outweighs the risks of how they will adjust to a new living environment in a relatively safe, one-story home.  Wishing you the best on this journey and stay strong!

RanchersWife

You are going to have “your hands full” soon. It’s all probably manageable now. Your adult children are going to need to help. If the parents can’t then Aunts and Uncles will need to step in and become more involved. For them to be concerned about their dad and not you or the grandchildren is inconsiderate. Everyone here matters. Your situation will require a lot of hard decisions and your children need to be prepared to accept your decisions or help to make something else possible if they don’t like what you decide. At some point it will probably come down to placing your husband, hiring live in help or finding a different person to raise the grandkids. I hate to say that because people here have suggested I place my LO. I didn’t agree with that advice. I had older kids and a husband to help. We ended up hiring help but it was after I burned out. I knew we could find a way to do what we did. I hope you can find your way. You will have to stop caring very much about what your children say, that I know.

dayn2nite2

Your adult children need to get over themselves.  All decisions need to be based on what makes life easier for YOU.

jfkoc

The children?  My dear neighbor always said "let them take the bus". I agree. You will undoubtedly need to move so do it now!

Stuck in the middle

You will have to move some time if he has AD and balance problems.  I'd do it now, for your husband's sake and for yours, before he breaks a hip and takes you down the stairs with him.

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Waldorf

We made that decision about 1 year ago after wife fell twice and tore both rotary cuffs,  Cannot correct with surgery as rehab would be difficult and potential for falling again. Moved to a over 55 community and advised neighbors of wife's condition in case she wanders. The house is an open concept where I can see her from the living, dining or kitchen rooms. Has 3 bed rooms, one spare, office & master BR. Camera is set up in the master so I can observe her. Open concept is good to observe her activities when she goes off the rails. It is taking some time for her to recognize different rooms and light switches. This move my life much less stressful and I am happy we made the move. We had lived in our old house for 34 years.

Battlebuddy

   In the first 6 months of diagnosis , my husband regretted not living near his family. We had already sold our house and were going to relocate closer to his job anyway, but decided to move to Florida so he could see his mom regularly. 

   His primary care said  “ do it now rather than later when the change will be hard for him” 

That turned out to be the best advice we got early on. We moved into a simple ranch. My husband adapted well and it eliminated so many issues. I agree with others- try to convert a bathroom into one he can use easily with assistance.    

harshedbuzz

MM-

Blended families are rarely homogenous; even full sibs raised together don't always agree around decisions to be made in regard to a parent with dementia. 

Is there some emotional connection to the home? Were his children raised there? Was it their late mom's house? Did dad build it? Perhaps if you offered to sell it to one of the kids at market rate minus the real estate commission, they'd be happier.

Is there a sense of unfairness around you parenting the grandchildren that plays into this? IME, grandparents only ever parent young kids because of some sort of tragic circumstances. I would impress upon the kids that the move is for dad's safety not the grands. 

I would suggest moving asap. I would, however, investigate the housing market where you live first. Since the pandemic housing stock has plummeted as younger people needed more space and left the cities in droves. My niece finally settled on a house a while back after putting in 8 over-asking bids that weren't accepted. A few times, her bid was the highest but a full cash offer and no inspection was accepted instead. Inventory is low and mid century ranchers are having a moment and are being snapped up by Millennials, so you might have trouble finding a workable house. 

In addition to one story, I'd look for a walkable community. At some point soon your DH will need to stop driving and being able to walk places might be workable for a time. It would also be useful for you as your DH's care needs will preclude carpooling with the kids as they hit the tween years. If you can get a smaller lot or lawn care included that would be ideal as getting to these things can be hard once your DH hits the later stages.

A lot of people say a PWD will experience a noticeable loss of skills with a move. Dad's neurologist told me the same. I did not notice this at all. It seemed like as long as dad had access to my mom as a kind of security blanket his ability to function was fine.

Alas, my parents fought me getting dad evaluated until well into the disease process which forced me to move them on the fly when dad was beyond having any input in the matter. He didn't want to move, but they were no longer safe living as far away from me as they'd been. In the six months around dad's diagnosis, he moved from his FL place to the one in MD in early July, he had a psychotic episode that led to a hospitalization in PA in late August, on discharge he was sent to a rehab for 8 weeks after which I moved them both into a lovely senior apartment which my mom hated, so I found her a house nearby and moved them into that in January. In between I moved some stuff out of the MD house into the apartment and some into storage. I sold the MD house, rented the one in FL and then sold that and to move a few family pieces and a car north. 

One thing I did that was prudent, was that I did all the moves without dad's input. When I first moved him to the apartment he was making ridiculous suggestions around buying a farm. He was far enough along that we created a ruse to let him think he'd picked the property, having him tour it with the Realtor and his beloved brother after we'd signed the agreement of sale. When I did the actual move, I put them up in a hotel for the weekend so they were able to return to a place that was all unpacked and ready to live in. He liked the new house and after a time thought he was back in FL. 

I dearly wish my dad could have participated and done this earlier. I would encourage you to act now. It sounds like the kids mean well, but there will be a time when a PWD will be lost in the house they've lived their entire married life. 

HB

Quilting brings calm

Mic 

This is all new and  overwhelming for you - and you still have your head on straight and are making wide choices! YOU are the person taking care of your spouse and grandchildren- the adult children are not.  They aren’t even offering to help raise their nieces or nephews now that your spouse has this diagnosis. So YOU get to live where it is easier for YOU and safer for your spouse. 

You probably cannot buy a one story house  in a senior living community because of the grandchildren. You can however buy a house or townhouse in a residential area where your older grandchild can make friends and ride a bike, or play  at a close by playground.  An others have mentioned, an open floor plan where you can see your spouse while you are helping with homework. 

Will there still be challenges?  Sure, but not stairs, which are a known issue.  

If the adult children are annoyed about helping you move, tell them you will hire movers. If they are afraid you will sell or give away a treasured item?  Well, if you don’t need those  items… invite them to round robin  select among those items between them before you move - so that they all get something meaningful to them,  you can even do it by leaving those items after you move  if you can move before you sell ( or close on the sale ) of your home.  You can also contract with an auction house to come into the current house after you move and collect everything that you leave.   You probably won’t make a lot of money, but you don’t have to move items you no longer want.  Medicaid doesn’t care about your old furniture or nondescript personal items when they object to ‘gifts’ - they object  to the gifts of valuable items or cash. 

eaglemom

As others have said, you are the one making the decision not the children ( adult children). You get to make this decision.  Have you tried to think 'outside of the box?' Where your living now is home. Of course any change will be disruptive to your LO and probably your grandchildren. Would it be possible to add an addition onto the house? Add on a master bedroom / bathroom & possibly sitting room. That way your LO wouldn't be going up and down the steps. The addition would be to your specifications and would be specifically set up for you two.

That is just a thought. You would have to possibly have some type of gate / door at the bottom of the stairs so your LO wouldn't try to go upstairs, but that could be easily handled.

Of course you want to make everyone happy with the decision, but they aren't living your live, you are. You can listen to everyone's input then make your decision.

eagle

Mic’s Message

Thank you for your reply. Question, you made reference to “members with small kids thread” how do I find this thread!

Iris L.

I don't know how well the search function would work for this.  You might search for "small children" in the search box on the main Caregivers page.  Or, you may read through the post titles for words that indicate the poster has small children or grandchildren at home.  There is not just one thread, there are many, over several years.

Iris

Mic’s Message

Thank you.

Brendag47

Hi, such a good question. We had a two story house with bathrooms and bedrooms one floor up and one floor down. My husband was diagnosed with AD about six years ago. I was his primary caregiver. Although he was okay on stairs still, I was the one who fell down the stairs! Ended up in hospital for five weeks and came out with a permanently broken shoulder. Worse still I had to pay for care 24/7 for him. Lying in a hospital bed, I made the decision to move to a home where everything necessary would be on one floor (bedrooms, two bathrooms, laundry facilities, garage, sunroom). My adult children couldn’t have been more supportive, even though we were moving further out of town and selling their “childhood home”. We moved to an adult lifestyle community where children are welcome. There are many other amenities and the neighbours are so very kind.

My advice if you make the move is to do it sooner than later while your loved one can still adjust. It’s way harder as the disease progresses. 

Good luck.