Stage 8(1)

RanchersWife

The situation is too abrupt. It escalated from a fall, surgery, an ICU stay, to home on comfort care for 10 days. That was brutal. There was so little sleep for the 3 main caregivers.Then there was the funeral two days ago. Now I can’t power down. I’m looking at jobs and classes to brush up on my skills. My brain is constantly racing. We are dealing with bank accounts, investment accounts, and life insurance stuff. I think I need to rest but I feel driven. I’m sad and exhausted at the same time. I feel like I’ll crash but I can’t slow down. It’s like I need to sleep like I’m ill but my body is healthy. Maybe I need wine or a massage or something. 

I don’t know what to do. I want to cry but I also want to do things; take action. Im tired of other people but I want a job. Part of me says I need to be bored and have a summer with my kids. We go to Disney in May. My LO needed care when my youngest started kindergarten. I didn’t get that transition period that stay at home moms get when all the kids are in school all day. Then the pandemic brought them all home for 18 months. I homeschooled them and it was a complete success. I brought an intensity to that time that made us very productive. Then Grandma needed 24/7 care for the last 9 months. I’m free now of the stress and need for constant vigilance but I’m scared to fly my own way. I feel like a crazy bird who will crash into something when they fly out of the cage. 

SusanB-dil

You will calm down.. and at that point you will probably just crash-out and sleep for a while!

((hugs)) and I wish you peace.   It will get better!  It will!

Quilting brings calm

Go get that massage.   Followed by a long bath with wisdom salts.  Repeat the bath daily.  

Put a notebook next to your bed,  every time you are in bed and you think of something you need to do or remember - immediately write it in the notebook and tell yourself you will look at the list in the morning.  That will tell your brain to relax, you’ve noted it.  No caffeine after 2pm- add in a cup of green tea instead.  The flavored kind since green tea is blah. 

All the things running through your head are important.  Work on which ever one needs done first, repeat.  Do not try to go job hunting until after your vacation.  But it’s ok to start thinking about what kind of job you might want.  You’ve got all sorts of emotions going on - grief, relief, guilt about feeling relief … and a sort of empty next syndrome going on even though you have kids at home.  When my youngest went to college and my spouse started traveling to work, it took me a couple months to adjust to the quiet and the lack of  demands in my time. 

Take a walk - maybe even on your own property,  See if there is a beginning yoga class somewhere - or even online.    And you will eventually sleep/ even if it’s in front of the tv for the noise. 

M1

RW, I know exactly what you're feeling, I have it too, pure adrenaline and chronic stress and its awful. I've been in my own crisis and missed your dear MILs death, I'm so sorry.  Surely the pace will slow at some point, I hope it's not an abrupt crash. I'm glad it's journey s end for her. You were amazing throughout.

JJAz

Perhaps join a grief group to help you process all of the feelings that you are having?  It's hard and impossible to speed up the process.  Blessings.

Mint

RW like QBC I find a list helps immensely.  Anything that comes to mind I put it on list.  As I get things done mark them off.  Things seem to go quicker and smoother when I do this.  Feel a sense of accomplishment when I mark one off.

Cry  whenever you need to.  With some time this will lessen.  One day out in the future you will think of her and smile.  It will feel good..

abc123

Dear RW, I'm sorry you are having all these feelings. I agree with M1 about adrenaline and chronic stress. I think that's what is happening to me at this time and I am searching for a way to cope. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you will find your way. You are used to running at 100%  twenty four hours a day. That is no longer necessary.

harshedbuzz

RW-

Be gentle with yourself.  You'll find your footing in time.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

It’s all so much, too much at times.  I’m so sorry.  Please give yourself a break to take a break.  Close your door, lie on the bed, just feel nothing or let yourself just feel. Gotta go through the grief to get through it.  

I hope for your mind to be at ease soon.  

jfkoc

I sat and played cards every afternoon for a long time.

abc123

Dear RW, thinking of you & your family tonight. I hope you have been able to slow things down a little and get some rest. You are all in my prayers.

RanchersWife

Abc123,

Thank you for thinking of us. 

I cannot say we’ve slowed down. Kids now have sleepovers in the tiny house, 4th son became senior patrol leader for his Boy Scout Troop (I refuse to call it BSA), 3rd son wrecked his truck. He’s ok. Took the corner too fast and slid into the power pole. DH just bought a new front end for that 93 Chevy S10. They don’t make ‘‘em like they used to! I’m brushing up in some skills to go back to work but and terrified. I’m still tutoring our caregiver in her history class. I was the one who encouraged her to enroll in the class. I’m not going to abandon her half way through. Public school will be out in less than a month. Need to get the pool open. I’m also trying to keep the plants from the funeral alive. I’ve only killed one so far. Disney trip is end of May! 

I escaped to the tiny house last night to watch Sanditon and kept thinking Grandma would come wandering out of her room. 

How are you?