How to visit MC facilities when I am the sole caretaker

nancyj194

I follow the posts on here that I can mostly relate to, but I do not post a lot after being attacked my first week on this site. That was some years ago but I still become stressed when I write something.  This is not anyone's problem here, but mine. 

My question is, how do I visit MC facilities when I cannot leave my husband alone?  

A few years ago, I visited a place with our son, after I had left an Alzheimer's support group meeting.  DH was able to stay alone then for a few hours.  The MC facility we visited near here, showed us that DH was no where near ready to be moved into MC.  

His Alzheimer's is slowly progressing after being diagnosed in 2017. I am not comfortable leaving him alone. He moves things around or puts things away that we cannot ever find.  When I talk on the phone, he sits intent on listening to every word I say and asks who I am talking to. In the evening, when we watch TV, he has no clue what is going on or what they just said. 

DH does not wander, as he does not like going for walks, but he has fallen outside a few times and ended up with a staph infection when he scraped his leg from a fall.  

I have durable and medical powers of attorney. I don't believe the HIPPA law was addressed that I recently saw mentioned on here.  I'd have to re-read everything.  

Thanks!

harshedbuzz

Could your son stay with him while you tour?

My mom had a similar situation in that by the time she had accepted he'd need placement he was not safe alone. By that time, I had already initiated a Plan B to place him should anything happen to her and had toured a dozen different places.

Because they didn't have unlimited funds and Medicaid could have been needed, I eventually settled on only those places that accepted Medicaid after spending down; in my state that meant MCFs with an attached or affiliated SNF as my state doesn't cover MCFs. It's not a bad idea to research both anyway just in case there's a need to transfer to SNF because of an accident or increased care needs. I live in an area well-served by such places, so I narrowed down my search by asking people and talking with the leader of mom's support group. 

Once mom agreed, I took her to tour my top 3 choices while his HHA stayed with him.

jmlarue

If you can't get your son or, perhaps, a friend to stay with your DH, it may be possible to ask the Admissions person at the facility to have one of the aids give take your DH to the snack room or invite him into an activity while your talk to the director. If that's not workable, the constructive fib is your fall-back. Would he be cooperative if told that you were trying to make an emergency plan on where he could stay just in case you got Covid and had to be in the hospital for awhile. Would he be incapable of sitting in a waiting room while you speak in private with the Director? With your Durable POA for health care, no one needs his verbal consent or his presence to speak to you about his need for care.

60 falcon

Hi Nancy. Adult daycare allowed me to check out some of these places in person and also it allows me to make those phone calls and have conversations that my wife shouldn't hear.  I'm in the same boat, sole caregiver and her days of being left unsupervised are long gone. Maybe you can find a daycare to take him to.?

JoseyWales

Could your husband go with you? Before my husband had declined very far, he wanted to tour memory care facilities. We had discussed what would happen when I just couldn't take care of him on my own any longer.

And when he had progressed to the point of needing a MC, he really wasn't aware of what we were doing when we toured.

 I know that doesn't work for everyone. 

nancyj194

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful, enlightening responses. 

Firstly, harshed, our son does take his dad fishing in the summer, now and then, so that would be the time I could go visit facilities. Usually it is a somewhat spur of the moment  event and I either try to find someone to have lunch with or just enjoy having some quiet solitude. I will use my alone time this summer in a more productive way.  Your comments were valid concerning MCH and SNF.

We have long term insurance, that doesn't cover it all, but does help. It would cover some of the cost for about two years before running out.  

It is definitely a good idea to have a Plan B.

jmlarue, most of our friends have either died or are in nursing homes, themselves.  It is startling to say that! I really am not sure how DH would do sitting in a waiting room. He has become very clingy this last year.  I could give it a try and see what happens. 

60falcon, I can't think how a day care would work. My DH communicates fairly well with me, but will not talk with other people. He sits and constantly says, "uhuh, uhuh" over and over again when our son/DIL or daughter/SIL stop by.  He also talks to himself constantly and now says he is singing. Something he would be upset that we did at church and refused to sing along.  This Christmas if he heard a well known Christmas carol, he would sing along with it for a few words. I was shocked! 

JoseyWales, you pose a valid question about taking DH with me when we would go to a facility. I have no idea how he would react.  I might try mentioning that it might be a good idea to check out what is around in case we ever have the need to go to one.  

Beachfan

I was going to suggest Josey Wales’ approach, but she beat me to it.  I did extensive research on line and over the telephone prior to selecting 4 places to tour.  One was a SNF with an Alz wing  close to our home.  My mom was a resident of the NH, so I was familiar with the operation.  It wasn’t a viable choice as DH does not require skilled nursing and the cost was astronomical and we would pay out of pocket.   One was an AL facility with a memory care wing attached (also close to our home).  The other two were stand alone MCFs, serving only Alz/dementia residents.  By the time we toured, DH was a solid stage 6 and was oblivious to much of what was going on around him.  My son(s), daughter, and daughter-in-law accompanied DH and me, asking probing questions and taking notice of things that I might have missed.  We made more than one visit and settled on a MCF 38 miles away that has served DH well since he took up residence in November.  As Josey pointed out, this may not work for everyone, but you won’t know until you try.  (Taking DH along gave the MC staff an opportunity to become familiar with him.). Good luck; it’s never too early to start looking “just in case”.