When spouse dies

udpt82

Hello,

I know this topic has been discussed before, but I am having trouble finding the posts.

My father-in-law (who lives with us) was admitted to in-home hospice care this week.  In the past, we have gently told Mom (who lives in a memory care facility) that he has cancer, but lately he has been BRUTALLY honest with her.  We have tried to explain to him that therapeutic fibs would be better.  Instead, the other day he repeatedly told her he is dying and sent her into a spin and she was sobbing.  Eventually my husband was able to calm her down.  Now she is back to just being concerned generally about him, but not sobbing and not truly grasping the situation (it's not even clear whether she know he has cancer, but she seems to have some recollection that he is not well- in some manner).

It would be very helpful if people could tell me how they handled this type of situation.  Do we tell her (initially only) that he passed away?  The funeral will eventually be in another state and we can not bring Mom with us.  What about bringing Mom to our house to see him before he passes?  After everything has passed, we have read that we should just tell her that Dad was too tired to visit, etc.  We also are not sure what we will tell her if we bring her to visit in our house and he is not here.

Any suggestions or resources would be very helpful.

Thanks!

dayn2nite2

How is he telling her?  In person?  On phone?

If in person, stop having him visit her.  I wouldn't bring her to see him either.  It will be too distressing for her.

If he's calling her, can he be distracted from calling her?  Giving her this information in such a way is cruel to her, she can't process properly and she also can't do anything about it.

Continue with your therapeutic fibs and I'm glad there are no plans to take her to the funeral.

Pat6177

Udpt82, I’m sorry for these painful situations that you are dealing with. I agree with dayn2nite2. Your MIL is not able to grieve the loss of her husband so there is no benefit to telling her. I guess your FIL wants some support from her or some kind of closure but it doesn’t sound like your MIL can provide that. So best if they don’t talk unless your FIL understands that he can’t tell her that he is dying. Hang in there. Hugs!

Ed1937

I strongly agree with the above posts. There is no upside to telling her. Sorry to hear about your FIL.