What do you do about inappropriate gifts?

BassetHoundAnn

My mom has a few old friends who regularly mail her gifts that may have been welcomed 4-5 years ago but now that she's in memory care, no. Things to eat like big boxes of chocolates--which she eats in one day and which make her terribly sick--or individual servings of cream for her coffee--the aids stir cream into her coffee because she no longer knows how to do so herself. I write thank-you notes with fiblets (and feel terrible about the deception). I call them to thank them and put mom on the phone (and feel terrible about it because she doesn't know what's going on). I try to ration the chocolates before she eats the whole box. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this issue?

DawnOfANewDay

Will the memory care just hold all packages for you?  

I wouldn't put my mom on the phone if it causes her stress.  Just call the sender, thank them and tell them mom isn't comfortable talking on the phone.  Nothing wrong with the truth.

If they can't hold packages for you, you will need to call senders and explain that you mom will binge on the chocolates. Sending a very small box or a single serving or having them sent to your house may work.   

Quilting brings calm

Blame it on the memory care.  They have broad shoulders and everyone knows they have all sorts of rules:

Start like this: ‘Mary - I know mom like your chocolates but the MC asked that we not get her any more.  She eats too many and then makes herself sick.  Plus the MC says some of the other residents get into other people’s  candy and then they  get sick.  I know you want to let her know you are thinking of her and I don’t want you to waste your money.  She loves getting cards from you and she really enjoys fuzzy cute slipper socks’

Similar fiblets can be used  for other undesired gifts. 

Does everyone know that she is in MC?  Do they understand what her status is right now?  Maybe they think she is better than she is.  Or maybe, they have a few issues themselves.  In that case, maybe getting their family member on the phone might be helpful.  

May flowers

Dawn of a new day has good suggestions. The only thing I might add is just tell her friends the truth - that she cannot control how much she eats so she’s starting to make herself sick. Surely they would understand. Is there a treat they could send that she won’t binge on, like a tin of popcorn or nuts, or a fruit basket from edible arrangements

MN Chickadee

I would just be honest with them. Tell them she can't properly ration her food anymore, or that large quantities are causing problems due to her memory issues. Play up how wonderful it is that they continue to stay in touch, thank them profusely for their friendship, make suggestions on what would be better to send. If they are any friends at all they will understand. 

Or, if you just don't want to deal, ask the MC to save all packages for you and then you decide what to do with them. Put the candies out for the staff, donate creamers to a senior center or food shelf, send off the generic thank you notes rinse and repeat. No matter she received them or not it's not like she will remember if they ask her. 

Rescue mom

Ditto almost exactly to what chickadee said. There’s nothing “bad” about telling the givers that the patient cannot handle or deal with food gifts now. “She used to love them, it was wonderful if you to think of her or remember that, but now she just can’t.” 

Otherwise they might try to circumvent MC staff, or think the staff just doesn’t want to bother with it. Suggest they send cards, or some other things she might like, if there is one. So many people just don’t understand the limitations involved, but it’s great they still want to do something.

BassetHoundAnn

Thank you everyone for the wonderful suggestions! I'm going to have to have some honest talks with mom's friends. I've been dreading that, and so afraid I would insult them about their gifts. It's the last link my mom has to many of her old friends, I've been afraid of shattering it. But you remind me that I do need to do something. They all know she's in memory care. But you are correct in that they probably do not realize how much her mental state has deteriorated. Most of the gifts are going to my house. 

When food arrives I take a small bit to my mom every day to enjoy. She keeps grousing "Where's the rest of the box of candy? Why can't I have the rest of the box?" But one day she ate nearly 2 pounds of chocolate and became very sick. I fiblet "I've brought only a few pieces because we don't want other residents to steal your candy, do we?" She agrees with that. But a few moments later "Where's the rest of the box? I want the rest of the box!" Then, when I put her on the phone to thank her friend--something she always enjoys doing, she always enjoys talking to old friends--"My daughter gave me only a few pieces of candy! Where's the rest of the box? I want the rest of the box!" 

Old friends also send her magazines and books. My mom can't read anymore. But she showtimes on the phone and tells everyone how much she enjoys these things. 

I feel so worn down. Every time I find another box with our mail I cringe. 

SusanB-dil

maybe you could buy one or two mini boxes of chocolates - the ones that hold maybe 4 pieces - and keep refilling.  It would be 'the whole box'.