I’m crying

Paris20

I’m trying to maintain my composure, and my sanity, but this morning my husband made that impossible. I just want to vent…and scream. We went to Target for our Covid boosters. His aide joined us. She bought a few groceries and when we came home she started to put them away. Seeing an open refrigerator door, my husband went ballistic. He screamed and yelled at her using the most vile language. He told her to get out of our house as he hurled F-bombs at her. I was begging him to stop.

The aide couldn’t take the abuse anymore. She told him how hurt she felt. He continued the verbal attack. Then the aide said she couldn’t take his horrible behavior any longer. She said she will leave. I pray she reconsiders but I don’t blame her. Since my husband insists that I do everything for him, the aide does everything else. She frees me to take care of him. We have an important trip planned for next month, my mother’s 100th birthday. She is very ill and I may never see her again but I worry that my husband’s behavior will be a nightmare. My dog’s cancer is getting worse, another stressor to deal with. These are the reasons I’m crying.

Lynne D

Dear Paris, I am so sorry. I am sure there are others who will have practical advice for you. After losing my mom just a few weeks ago, I would encourage you to make the trip to see her. Perhaps without your husband. My last moments with my mo5er were tainted by my HWD pitching tantrums in the hospital, then it got worse.

You need to see your mom. You deserve to see your mom.

abc123

Dear Paris, I honestly do not know how you continue to hold on. I think of you and pray for you. I agree with Lynne, you need to see your mother. You deserve to see her without interference from DH. Is it possible to make the trip without him, anyway at all possible? I’m so sad for you about your sweet pet. I do hope the sitter will stay for your sake but I’d understand if she didn’t. I’m so sorry this is happening.

Ed1937

Paris, I'm sorry. Please try to see your mother without your husband tagging along. He might not like it, but too bad. You need time by yourself with your mother.

JoseyWales

(((Paris)))  That must have been a horrible experience, and I'm sure I would be in tears, too.

 I have no advice, but I want to let you know I hear you and I've been thinking of you.  Please keep us updated and vent here as often as you need to.

Paris20

Thank you all. The aide (I’ll call her L) and I had a good cry together, while DH slept on the couch downstairs in total oblivion. He remembers none of this. Thinking about this morning’s disaster left me asking how much verbal violence can one innocent person take? Specifically, how and when can anyone attempt to put a halt to it? When my husband goes berserk, no amount of fiblets, distractions, or changing the subject do any good. In fact, sometimes the strategies that work best with minor skirmishes work worst when an Alzheimer’s patient unleashes all the worst thoughts and words he knows. He has never become physical but I worry about that down the road. What can I do? I just wrote to his neurologist asking to increase the Seroquel.

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Crushed

1)  any trained Alzheimer's aide has to know that the words are coming from a damaged brain. The sick person does not exist in the same reality and cannot beheld legally or factually responsible for such language.  however hard it's part of the illness.
Calling it vile language simply does not help
  

2)  just for fun. (and I know Ive told this before)  my lovely polite ladylike wife   was sitting in her chair in memory care eating cake when she started saying f*ck, f*ck, f*ck !! over and over 

The director stopped at the door and smiled said "I think she  likes you "  and I said I think she thinks is saying CAKE 
It became a well known story at the facility 

 
 

abc123

I like Victoria's suggestion. If you were to get him into the unit, you could go see your mother sooner. That might be something to consider. You would have more one on one time with her if you went before the celebration. Just an idea. 

My grand dad had severe anger issues and mental issues. I grew up hearing and seeing the type of behavior you are describing. As he got older, it got worse. The hardest part for me as a child and an adult wasn't so much what he said BUT how he said it. There was so much hate in his voice, in his eyes. And he was so loud the neighbors could hear him. Minutes later, he was okay again until something else set him off. 

Joydean

Paris, I agree with the others that say you should go see your mom with out DH. You have not been able to see her in a very long time. Go and spend time with her. 

True aides are trained, but they too are still human. She has been with you for a good while and knows how your DH can be. But again she is human and has feelings like anyone else. My heart goes out to you and your aide. 

Paris20

Joydean, you hit the nail on the head. L has been an aide working almost exclusively with Alzheimer’s patients for over 15 years. Most of the time she can deal with my husband’s  behavior. I can too. However, we are only human. There is just so much attack a human can take. Knowing what is causing the outburst, even acknowledging that spewing verbal diarrhea is a symptom of a horrible disease, cannot erase everything my husband says and does. In fact, L has told me several times that despite seeing the gamut of behaviors AD is responsible for, my husband’s outbursts are the most hurtful, the most vulgar, and the most threatening she has ever experienced. His tirades are filled with words of such vulgarity and violence that I cannot imagine taking this in stride. 

L’s references were impeccable, including one from my own mother. L worked for her temporarily a couple of years ago between AD jobs. I don’t think that my husband is ready for memory care. He has urinary incontinence but that’s caused by a prostatectomy as well as AD. He has no short term memory but he knows all of us in the family and can carry on a conversation, albeit with simpler words than he used years ago. I can deal with just about all his other behaviors but I cannot communicate what his outbursts look like, and sound like. I couldn’t care less about four letter words. I use them often enough. It’s the context in which his language occurs that is so intolerable.

Stuck in the middle

My father, who had PTSD, could do that without using a single word stronger than "crap."  That didn't make his two-hour harangues any more palatable to the children who had to sit and listen to them.  It's the anger and the hate that hurts, not the language.

I will never accept that again.  I am sorry you are living with it.  At least you know it's caused by mental illness.  As a child, I thought it was my fault.

Buggsroo

Hi Paris,

Go see your mom, if you don’t just another regret and you don’t need that. I am also sorry about your dog. Animals are wonderful and help so much in their way. I don’t know what I would do without my cats. So you have such awful stress. I hope you can get something sorted and someone to stay with your husband.

Jewelsrr

Paris, you characterized exactly the crux of it. It’s the tone, the intent to hurt, not the word choice.coming from a home growing up with it, it stays in the nervous system. I have been i counseling or it forever and can cope with it occasionally, but when dh get into an irritability spiral it’s not his word choice it’s just the constant griping, and criticism of me that gets to me.

I hope you can go see you mother by yourself!