female resident infatuated with my husband

Joy G

just need advice on what to do- caring for my husband with alzheimers have gotten too much for me to handle so I made a decision to put him in memory care just a week ago.

on the 3rd day- the nurse and the caregivers told me that this female resident has become infatuated with my husband -wants him sitting next to her all the time and even attempted to take my husband to her room that night of course the staff had to separate my husband from her  and told this female resident that they cannot sleep on the same bed.

since then everytime I went there to visit and hang out with my husband- she always follows us around or walks back and forth were we are sitting trying to get my husband's attention and asking him to come sit with her.

my husband is on the stage of the disease where he would just follow what you tell him to do except showering.

the staff told me they wont allow anything sexual to happen- what im concerned about is if in case something happens then the female resident's family can turn this thing around and blame my husband- all the staff knows this female resident is the one that is aggressive.

advice please- this is another level of stress I have to deal with.

Lorita

Hi Joy,

 I've read other posts about this same thing happening.  Maybe your husband reminds the woman of someone she once knew - or even her husband so that makes her feel closer to him - like a security blanket.

 If the staff knows about this, they should make sure nothing happens.  I think if it was me I'd visit more often and maybe that will deter her feelings.  Good luck.

Stuck in the middle

This happens a lot.  MC residents become infatuated with one another, with staff members younger than their grandchildren, etc.  She has forgotten how to be subtle about it, and he has forgotten how to fend off her advances.  

I don't think you have anything to worry about.  The staff are accustomed to this, and I would rely on them to continue to handle it.

Crushed

I was infatuated with a lovely young doctor.  Of course I was married to her. Did our  best to live up to all the stories

JJ401

This has been a topic in the past on the boards. There are several threads about this. Here is one. (You can use the search bar if you want to read more.)

 https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147555858

harshedbuzz

Joy G-

This is a common scenario in MC and other long-term care communities. It sounds like staff are handling it appropriately by keeping family informed and watching over their residents.

It is possible that this woman has a history of bonding easily with men who come into the community, so they were tuned into this as a possibility. There was one much younger woman with dementia on dad's "neighborhood" in MC who tended to cuddle up with 2 of the male residents while watching TV. My aunt was in MC for almost 10 years and had a boyfriend she bonded with the last 4 years- they ate meals and did activities together. She was more verbal and would tell staff what entree he'd want and he'd select the biggest piece of whatever dessert was out at snacktime and bring it to her. There was one incident when they were found in bed together- clothed- but staff quickly redirected the behavior and neither family made anything of it.

HB

FriendinCalifornia

Hi Joy,
Your post made me think of the Teepa Snow video "Dementia - Changes to Personal Relationships". It's on Youtube.

It's a very gentle and empathetic depiction of what the PWD are probably experiencing.

https://youtu.be/WawwjB5wyMY

Nowhere

When we leave our cognitively damaged loved ones in memory care they have been left and are alone for much of of their remaining existence without memory of what once was. In my experience, any loving comfort my husband receives and gives to and from others in his community is a blessing. Yesterday, I sat at the dining table with him and his “wife” and they shared glorious heart warming smiles between themselves. He looked at her as he once did me. And I am so grateful to see the sparkle of joy in his eye. He doesn’t remember he was ever married. I love him deeply. He and I have been through heaven and hell together. Acceptance of his perceived world is necessary with this heinous disease.

Nowhere

One other thing. It’s appropriate and respectful for the staff to provide a safe, comfortable, private, yet supervised, area for folks with dementia to meet their needs. Love and belonging is a basic human right for even those with dementia and is protected by law.

Rescue mom

Just another voice adding support to what’s been said…my mom was in 2 MCs for several years. It was very common for one person to get “fixated” on another of the opposite sex. 

Usually neither one remembered how to act appropriately; sometimes the object of the affection knew they didn’t like it, and could avoid the person. 

Regardless, staff knows and can handle the matter. You said the staff knows about this woman’s behavior, so they’ll watch and be ready to handle things. 

Yes it’s very hard for some spouses to see this. Others seem to take it as another sad issue that this awful disease may involve. And some say they just appreciate that their LO has something to brighten their day (when the affection came from both sides).

Eileen H

"Nowhere" -After reading your message, I realize how much I have to learn. This is terrifying to me but I admire what you said.

Paris20

I’ve heard about this too. My husband and I have been married for 57 years. However, given his decline, I can imagine that in memory care he could be either the recipient or the initiator of advances. It wouldn’t bother me unless family on either side objected. I know that my husband seeks affection all the time. He’s also losing his memory of who’s who in our family. I can see where he might think another resident is his wife. If it makes him happy, and does not adversely affect anyone else, I’d be accepting, I think. Besides,  I’d trust knowledgeable and experienced staff to control things.

Jo C.

As said by others, it is quite common for residents in Memory Care to develop a personal relationship.  Sandra Day OConnor, Supreme Court Justice, had her husband in Memory Care and he developed a relationship with another patient; she was fine with that as she knew it brought him comfort.

In your husband's instance though, he has not been part of this uber-overture that seems to be persisting.   If he wishes to, "be a couple," that is one thing. However, if the woman's persistent overtures are making him uncomfortable or are in any way problematic for him personally and really getting bothersome or upsetting him, then the staff has a legal duty to protect him from such onslaughts.  Any physical touching such as hugging or kissing or hanging on to his arm, or trying to drag him to certain places, etc., without his consent is not to be tolerated if it is unsettling to him.  Again; it is up to staff to protect his person, respect his feelings and his dignity.

There was a male patient in the Memory Care facility that my LO was in.  He kept going into her room and sleeping on and in her bed time after time; he tracked and followed her around but would not stay out of her private space in her room.  He would get irritated and sometimes somewhat agitated when corrected.  She became very frightened of him, the staff could not get it addressed, so they did inform the man's family that they needed to move him from their facility as they could no longer manage his needs.  They did.

I can understand this woman's needs to show love and have closeness for comfort; due to dementia she has no filters or brakes on what she wants.  I wonder if she had a baby doll to carry around and care for, or if she had a really plushy, soft, squishy teddy bear to hug if that would help her.  Just wondering if the facility staff has thought about that.

Let us know how it is going, hopefully this will soon simmer down.

J.

Nowhere

Eileen,

({{Hugs}}) My husband has been in memory care 1.5 years now. His first relationship was soon after he was placed. He called her by my name. Her daughter had a fit. I’d felt like I’d been soccer punched. The shocking duty bound call from the RN to inform took my breath away. I walked around angry and so depressed that Alzheimer’s could yet deliver another blow to our lives. Eventually he was made a scapegoat and forced to leave his first placement because of his exit seeking behavior and his friend’s moralistically judging daughter. 

My husband is an Alzheimer’s long hauler as he’s had memory issues since 2007 and behavioral changes even earlier. He can walk, talk, dress himself, but not hold onto a single new thought or memory. 

I wish you, Joy, and everyone else on these boards more peace than anguish and your husband the same in the coming days/months/years.  

Joy G

Thank you..i would love my husband to be happy. I have spoken with the Director and they assured me they wont tolerate anything inappropriate.

Joy G

Thanks..yes the staff assured me they will keep an eye on them.

Joy G

Thank you

Joy G

I admire you for that. I am aware they have alzheimers but it still pains me.

Joy G

Thank you

Joe C.

Joy, I placed DW about 6 months ago and in late February the MC staff informed me that DW was having a “consensual relationship” with a male resident which included handholding & sitting together. They insured me the would keep an eye on them and redirected as necessary. When I visited DW a few days later, I was walking with DW around her neighborhood and when we passed a newer resident she tapped me on the shoulder, giggled and said, “he likes me”. DW no longer understands our relationship and my personal feelings are if this friendship bring her some comfort and happiness then I have no problem with it. I visit DW every other day, observe what is happening in the community  and recently I believe this infatuation has diminished for both parties. I also trust the MC staff make sure situations like this don’t escalate.