Finally diagnosed

Kristina stevens

Mom officially diagnosed last Friday. Have strongly suspected for awhile. Would guess stage 4. I am an only child and live 1,500 miles away. Dad is doing everything atm. Currently visiting and trying to get some things set up. Unfortunately she has started to be abusive, which I know is common (watched her mom die from this horrible disease). But she was very abusive to me growing up (hence me living so far away). Want to support my dad. But also need to protect myself. Have worked too hard to finally, at 48, get to a healthy point in my life. Was thinking of moving down here in a few years. But now not sure that is a good idea. Honestly wish she would die of something else sooner. Going to be a long road ahead. Sigh.

SusanB-dil

Hi Kristina - welcome to 'here'... no, none of 'this' is easy, no matter where we are in relationship.

I was never close to my mom, but have let my brother know I fully support any decisions he makes regarding her care. He has POA with her, and that is fine by me. She is placed, now, and does call me several times a week always with same conversation, like on a loop. Probably 'talks' to me more now than she did in my life.  DH has POA and HIPAA access for MIL, and that is who we are caring for now.

Does your dad have all paperwork in place? That is very important, as he will be making any decisions.  Is she being abusive toward your dad?  Need to let her doc know that, as there are some meds that could probably calm that down.  Also this forum - very supportive and so much wise and good advice here.

yes, it can be a long road - you can support your dad even by listening and letting him know he is not alone.         My brother told me it meant a lot just in telling him he was doing great with our mom. 

Kristina stevens

Thank you. Dads an attorney, so paperwork in place. She def can be abusive to dad. Need to get another med for agitation. Current one is dropping blood pressure too much. She’s already started with how I hate her today. Feel bad for my dad.

SusanB-dil

That is good that he would surely know what all paperwork to have done.

yes - her doc really needs to know what is happening.

Iris L.

What you call "abusive" may be brain disease pathology.  Appropriate medication and new ways of communication may help.  Don't argue and don't explain.  Learn from the members and from Teepa Snow.  Read about anosognosia.

Iris L.

little_lorrie

Does your dad have a support system where he is at?  If he does, it may not be necessary for you to move, unless he asks.  

I am currently caregiving for my mother in my home, which is made more difficult by the fact that she was not present very much in my childhood (we grew up with grandparents, while she bounced from marriage to marriage), and we all suspect she may have always been high on the scale for narcissism, long before we knew it was a thing.  It is hard to be a loving caregiver to someone who you never felt loved by.

Anyway, back to you!  Lol!  Be there for your dad, simply by being there for your dad.  There are resources to help with your mom without you having to be there.  Just help your dad find the resources.

Kristina stevens

She has a long history of being abusive. Watched my grandmother die from the same. Very familiar with disease.

Kristina stevens

Thank you. Mom def narcissistic/borderline. Dad wants me to move and I would to support him. But I am also trying to get my student loans paid off in Illinois by the state, so couldn’t for a few more years. 

It’s all just so hard. Not to mention worry about my own future brain health given her mom died of this illness. Prior to the pandemic and isolation she was fine. It’s all happened rather fast. Saving grace is my dad, a longtime alcoholic, sobered up 5 years ago. He does everything now (used to do nothing. Lol). Otherwise they’d already be in assisted living. 

Hard being an only child, but my extended family is great and I have supportive friends. Will be looking for a new therapist when I get home. 

Best of luck taking care of your mom. 

xx

Kristina stevens

But yes. Will learn from others. It’s why I joined. 

Thanks 

harshedbuzz

Kristina-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but happy you found this site.

Dementia is hard for families. When that parent had been absent, abusive or didn't live up to their role as parent has dementia, it adds a layer of suckitude to the whole experience. BTDT.

I was never dad's favorite and while I never wanted for the trappings of a middle-class suburban lifestyle, I was in the crosshairs for judgement and his edginess. When I came here and people told me it's the disease talking it, it didn't resonate with me at all. I cut my teeth on his criticism and put downs- the script hadn't changed. IME, sometimes negative aspects of a personality remain well into the disease progression. My nasty aunt stayed nasty until the end, my sweet-natured aunt remained her delightful self; my dad became really sweet in the weeks before he died which was nice. Before that his filter slipped, and others finally saw what I considered the authentic dad-persona.

I would urge you to get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for medication management; they're the specialists for psychoactive meds. This was the single best thing we did for dad as it enabled those communication strategies Iris mentioned to be effective most of the time which enabled him to remain in his home with my mom until about 2 months before he died. I personally didn't have a hard time weaving false narratives to keep his anxiety and agitation from escalating. I was even able to apologize for all manner of transgressions- real and imagined- for which I was not responsible. This is hard for a lot of people, but it really helped him remain on a more even keel. A support group helped my mom around embracing this concept. 

I would caution you about leaving the life you've built where you live now. My mom needed help with dad, so I moved them closer to me. That's not the best choice for everyone, but it worked for my family. 

I would urge you to have a Plan B ready in the event dad is unable to provide care either temporarily or permanently. 

Good luck going forward.

HB

Kristina stevens

Thank you so much. Just found mom a fantastic geriatric psychiatrist. So grateful. Wish we had a few years ago!! He’s the one who diagnosed. Seeing again tomorrow. 

Def not rushing to move down here. Might in the end to support dad as he ages. In the meantime working to set up supports for him. So hard. Just hoping for it to go quickly for everyone’s sake. 

xx