Visit from the Hospice RN

abc123

My mom is comfortable, clean, eating when she's awake and well cared for here at my house. This long good bye is killing my dad, it's breaking him down more and more each day. He asked the nurse this morning if she is suffering. The nurse said no, actually she is very comfortable. He then asked the nurse how much longer will mom live. The nurse told him mom could live like this another 10 days, 10 weeks or 10 months. Everything is on HER schedule and this is between her and God. This has nothing to do with us.

Dad bought a house here and moves in on the 18th of this month. I said to the nurse that mom could be waiting for dad to get settled in the new house before she decides to die. Dad got upset and said don't be ridiculous, how would she know what's going on! The nurse told him that she is aware of a lot more than we give her credit for and that it's very possible that she is waiting for him to get settled before she dies. Even though she can't talk she can hear. 

She is alert this morning.

She is eating and drinking. Baby food only.

She watches the birds outside her window.

Her bowels are working.

She knows who I am. She responds to the two sitters.

The combinations of medications are keeping her comfortable and content. I am grateful that my mother is peaceful. I am sad that my dad can't deal with this. I am worried that he will pull me down with him. Every waking moment is about him.

SusanB-dil

((hugs))  

thank you for posting the update.  comforting to know that a LO is at least comfortable. So sorry for your dad. No doubt hard on both of you.  easy to say not to let him bring you down, but don't forget to take breaks from it all, maybe that would help some.

May flowers

You are doing a great job with your mom, abc. I agree - it is about them and their timeline. I have come to terms that I cannot fit where my FIL is with any preconceived ideas - he will live when he wants and he will die when he wants. My role is to meet him where he is and keep him comfortable in that moment.

What is comforting today may not be comforting tomorrow. 

I have to say, I cannot even imagine going through this with a spouse. You have all kinds of ideas of how you will spend your golden years, and no one plans to spend their old age wiping bottoms and spoon feeding baby food. I do wonder if they “hold on” until they know it’s ok to go. My MIL was dying of cancer and in her final hours I told her we would take care of my FIL. There was such a look of relief on her face, and she passed soon after. For my mom, it was important that we all forgave her. She needed to make peace with that. Everyone has some kind of things they hold onto, I think. 

Quilting brings calm

I think the not knowing is hard, and the vigilance can be exhausting mentally and physically.  Everyone wants to be present at the ‘right’ moment, but there is no way to predict what that is.  So people don’t sleep or eat well, afraid to make any decision about where to be when.  There is no wrong place to be because you have to eat, sleep, but groceries , etc etc. 

Your mom may indeed be hanging on until your dad is settled.  Even then, she may wait until you are both asleep.  

I’m sorry that your Dad isn’t thinking rationally right now.  I think your concerns about his own cognitive state are correct.  I’m hopeful that your concerns about yourself ease up once he’s moved into his own place. 

LicketyGlitz

Sending patience and strength to you and your dad, abc.