What to do to save oneself

ChrisVoorhis

 This is the 2 nd UTI in a year. My wife had me leave 3 days ago cause she didnt know who i was. One day later she wanted to know why i was gone. Married 50 years this Feb. my daughter was here so it was ok but first time we’ve ever been apart. Even now a week later she isnt always sure about me. We have been dealing wit her Alzheimers for 11 years now. To days ago i caught a cold, havent been sick in 15 years. She can no longer do anything and this was a rude awakening for me. I have over the last 5 years paid her friends to clean/caretake for 5 hrs/day so she could be as happy as possible. I am retired but even with these friends she doesn’t want me to go anywhere. So every am/pm she wants to go home but this is where we have lived fot 25 yrs. I also hired a part time caregiver because I need to have someone else to help her but she gets upset when she comes to help. I dont want to put her in a home but i am now hurting myself from the stress. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Chris

Jean loves wildlife

Chris, I am new on this forum, caring for my husband who was just diagnosed with AD. When I read this post it broke my heart - you describe almost exactly what my FIL went through with MIL's dementia. Not recognizing her own husband or believing he was her husband when a family member reassured her he was. Not wanting to share a bedroom. Wanting to go home every night. What helped with that is that FIL would get her out in the car, drive her around the block and then tell her she was home. Most times that worked. A friend's mom too, who suffered from dementia, often wanted to go home at night and the same approach worked.

Caregiver stress leads to much higher rates of illness in caregivers than others. Not surprised that you caught a cold for the first time in 15 years. The stress wears down your immune system, regardless of your deep love for your DW.

You have taken good steps with getting her help from friends and a part time caregiver. But at some point it might be a good decision to get her into LTC before you get seriously sick and cannot care for her yourself as you are now. You also need to take care of yourself.

"There's a special place in heaven for caregivers."  -- Maureen Reagan

SusanB-dil

Hi ChrisV - Sorry you are dealing with that. I see posts where some spouses leave the room, change clothing, then come back.  You could try that, or even go out the back and come back in the front door.  And yes, you could maybe take her for a drive around the block when she wishes to 'go home'.

While someone is there to caretake for those 5 hours, is there maybe a place you could go for even a couple hours to unwind, like even a local coffee-shop, maybe?

agree - you need to take care of you.