In my early 30s, trying to support my parents

QuinnieSDF

My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease last spring. He is still in the early stages, but his MCI is getting in the way of daily functions and his ability to express himself easily.

He and my mom are about to turn 70. His executive functioning is pretty limited these days so my mom has now taken on a lot of tasks for them, many of which are out of her comfort zone because they are things my dad used to do for them (i.e. calling the plumber, banking online, etc.)

I've been trying to help but I can tell my mom isn't comfortable with it. I'm inadvertently stepping on her boundaries all the time. In the end, she's capable of taking on caregiving and managing their finances and home on her own but it's a lot to take on for anyone. Simultaneously, it's unbearable to see my dad's MCI frustrate him so much when he tries to share in their household responsibilities.

I'm 33. No one else I know personally is going through this with their parents. Very few people in my friend group understand what it's like, including my partner. Any other 30-somethings out there experiencing something similar? How are you coping?

Michael Ellenbogen

were are you located?

Gig Harbor

Good for you for stepping up. I have my husband who I do most things for. The good news is that each task your mom takes on successfully will build her confidence. Some things you can suggest to help her are:

1. Set up a schedule of house/yard things that need to be done each month. If there is a service company involved add their number.

2. Dedicate one credit card to autopay bills and get all bills set up for this. She can even have that credit card auto paid from her bank account. 

3. See a lawyer and get all paperwork in order. See her family doctor so that both she and your dad have post forms filled out.

4. I have found that I don’t step around the fact that my husband has dementia. I don’t say the word but I tell him that everyone has something wrong when you get older. I tell him he is lucky that he has no heart or lung problems but his memory is starting to give him issues. I assure him that I will be his memory. I have always felt that if I acted like he was fine he would be scared and confused because he knows he is not fine. He would then not know who to trust.

4. Make sure your mom can get some time away from your dad to just be herself. It is good to get the person with disease used to other people coming in to help.

5. Maybe set up a plan to text your mom each morning and that will give her the opportunity to ask for help or just share what is going on.

Good luck to all of you

KNW76

Hello.  I'm in my 40s, so not 30s, but I'm a primary caregiver for my mother.  No one will ever be able to  understand what you're going through unless they have had a similar situation, unfortunately.

I think something to remember is how hard it is for your mom at this point.  I'm sure deep down she appreciates the fact that you are willing to help, but it's hard for her to accept the fact that they need help.  Honestly, if they're just now turning 70, that's pretty young still to start needing help in their lives.

A day at a time is all  you can do.  There will be ups and downs and it just sucks!  Don't stop trying to help.  Your parents are so lucky to have a child that wants to help and is willing.  The day will come your mom will accept your help with open arms!

Be kind to yourself.  Take time for yourself.  It's also ok to scream and cry.