Caregiver’s chronic grief

Green girl

My 86 year old mom has moderate Alzheimer’s and is living in a nursing home.  My siblings live out of state so I’m the primary caregiver.   My mom is forgetting faces and names but she knows I’m her daughter.  When I visit her, I try to focus on having a nice time with her by giving her a pedicure and taking her out for walks.  But, I feel very sad when she forgot my sister’s name and photo so I FaceTime my sister so our mom could see her.  My sister looked happy being out with her friends, while I’m with our mom feeling so sad.    I then realized I was resentful for being so sad while my siblings go on about their lives while I’m stuck with our mom. I’m also sad because I’m next to be forgotten by my mom.  I feel so alone for not being able to share my feelings with my siblings, so I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to write about this in this setting.  I also participate in supports groups to express how I’m feeling in a safe space and to listen to other caregivers to feel reassured I’m not alone. Thanks 

SusanB-dil

Hi Green Girl -   I see a lot of posts where family doesn't help.  Same here... so a lot of us can relate.  However, you know that you are doing right by mom.  She is blessed to have you there.

Do take some time to be out and about for yourself, though.

Mint

Understand Green Girl.

jfkoc

You are so not alone!

toolbeltexpert

GG thanks for sharing. I do understand. Is your mom able to join any of activities in the NH? And your feelings are normal so glad your able to join in with other groups.

Ritzrock

I can relate to what you are feeling. My siblings live close by but are busy with own lives (they have helped out a lot when my mom was sick), it's a challenge not to feel bad when I am the primary caretaker of my parents. It's sad, that my dad doesn't recognize me, has to be told who I am. Yes, support groups are truly amazing and so helpful to us. I'm saying, I understand how you feel.if it helps like I hope it does a smidgen.

RanchersWife

My husband and I said to each other weekly, “It is what it is. We will have no regrets.” This summed up our mentality of accepting reality and doing our best for his mother. It’s over now and my only regrets are the times I got frustrated. I don’t regret doing the caregiving. It was hard. I struggled. I’m still very sad. We did the right thing for her and we can live with that. 

Find peace in the good job YOU are doing and make sure you have no regrets. Others will have to find their own peace. 

Hugs

JenV

I Am feeling resentment and looking for a support group.  Can you suggest how to find a group? 

Reading your post is helpful. 

mommyandme (m&m)

JenV,

Click on the “Local Resources” tab on the top of this forum.  There you can go to the Alz Association for support groups and also community resources to find things in your area.  Calling the Alz association line can also help.  Just a couple things that may help you.  

Welcome to this support group but wish none of us had a need to be here.  Thankfully we’re not alone since we’re here.  

Rescue mom

I was going to say check with your local Alzheimer’s Association for support groups.You can Google “Alzheimer’s Association in (your city or area)” for a local phone number, along with v websites  linked here.

The website(s) is easier and faster, but totally IME they may not always be up-to-date.  No shade on AA, it’s a free service and they do great work with limited resources.  It can be different or better where you are, just a suggestion bc that’s just what I see in my area.