Losing stamina

John_O

There's no question that my father needs to be in Assisted Living.  He is still living alone by himself with a daily caregiver/aide coming for 5-6 hours during the day, but leaving him alone at night has become riskier.  He can no longer work his phone except for calling a few simple preset contacts.  He would not be able to call 911 if there were an emergency.  I am trying to convince him that it's the time for Assisted living but he is sharply rejecting it.  We found an AL nearby that would be perfect for him, but they need to do an assessment of him first, and will not accept residents who are outwardly unwilling to move there.  He’s putting up a big fight.  Told me on Saturday that I’m not his son anymore and that I’m trying to put him in prison.  He thinks that he is completely fine, but meanwhile everything is taken care of around him.  He has no responsibilities anymore.

I'm really losing stamina/patience in all of this.  I have POA but I can't force him into anything. Our relationship has changed so much and he is cursing at me and really ridiculing me.  Short of legally making him my dependent, what else can I do to convince him the time is right?  Reason is no longer in the picture and I haven't been able to get him to understand how logical this is at this time.  I thought about letting go his aide and letting him try and live without help for a week, but I really don't want to have to do that.  I'm so tired.

toolbeltexpert

John your right about your dad but from what you described it sounds like he might be better to go right to memory care. Nothing is easy, learning to use fibs to get him moving is the only thing I can think of. Does the AL you looked at have MC as well, I have heard some great fibs, like the house has termites and needs to be treated. I am sure others will offer more seasoned responses.

John_O

Thank you.  They do have Memory Care at the AL we are exploring.

The challenge we are also having is that he has two neighbors who are feeding him lies that he's fine and that he can't trust his sons.  I've addressed this head on but they won't stop.  So if I try and fib they will try and counter.  It's a bit messy right now. 

toolbeltexpert

Wow I would never thought that a nieghbor would be so inconsiderate.  That has surely made things more difficult. If you can succeed in a move I would first off prevent them from any visitation.  Maybe if they got a little education about dementia in general they would be more helpful. That has to be so annoying.

SusanB-dil

well just dang on the meddling neighbors!! You've got your hands full and they are making things worse...  so sorry.   and with anosognosia, so he believes nothing is wrong, and they are perpetuating that. ugh!

I do agree with ToolBeltExpert - It does sound like he is past Assisted Living and to work with whatever fiblets you need to.  sorry, wish i had something better for you...

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harshedbuzz

John-

I am sorry that your dad is a more challenging PWD and being egged on by neighbors. IME, the "Olds" stick together and a threat to take away the independence of one is taken personally by all. 

I had this very same issue with my parents' neighbors in the Florida neighborhood- these are the very same people dad entertained wearing only a bath towel- who defending dad and accusing me of being shifty. A few, who didn't care for dad, suggested I should take him and leave my mom to enjoy the sunshine. Yeah, right.

Have you sat down with the lawyer who drafted the POA and discussed what options you have to use it. Is it durable? Is it springing? Does it give you the right-- and the obligation-- to make decisions on his behalf? Or would you need to obtain guardianship first? This is doable but more costly and time consuming. 

There's an old saying here at AlzConnected that by the time a family is willing to consider AL, that cruise has well and truly sailed and MC is more appropriate for the PWD. PWD don't do well in a hospitality model AL- they can come and go, they have to self-initiate to get to meals and activities. And often the other residents want nothing to do with someone who can keep up cognitively or socially. Sometimes the sales agent who does the tour will show the nicer AL area to rope you in and then insist a week or so later that dad be moved to a secure MC. 

HB

Winchester

John

I am going through exactly what you are going through. My mother  was living alone without a caregiver, angry at me, not wanting to give up her independence and not wanting to move to a safer facility. 

A month ago she went to the neighbors with her small dog wanting a ride to the police station because she thought someone was going to kill her. The neighbor contacted me about this and I finally called crisis, her primary physician and law enforcement. She was in the hospital a month and was just moved to memory care.  She has no idea why she is at memory or that she was at the hospital and is still mad at me. 

Because the way my POA was written I was able to do this for her.  I know I waited to long but something had to be done. I truly was believing she was going to get better because of lucid moments that is not the case. Everyone gave me advice too, but every situation is different and every person is different.

My only recommendation is don't wait too long so they don't hurt themselves or someone else.

NylaBlue

Not making any assumptions about these particular neighbors, but when a PWD lives alone they are easily taken advantage of by scammers. You have his POA (hope it is a DPOA), but he can still make potentially disastrous financial decisions, especially if influenced by people who don’t have his best interests in mind. Something to look out for.

terei

Sometimes those trying to help a LO just have to wait for a crisis…a fall that lands them in the hospital(+then to AL or MC) wandering, where you have police deliver them to the ER + then to care, etc.

Til that happens, you have to quit covering for them if they will not consent.    If you are buying groceries, giving rides, cleaning, etc etc etc you have to let them sink or swim…they WILL sink, + hopefully it will not be deadly.   Once they are demonstrating their behaviors clearly for everyone, sometimes you can get city or county help to come in and assess them, but usually they will lend up in an ER where it will be clear they cant go home alone + you will have the chance, with doctor’s/authorities on your side to place them.   

At that point, you do NOT take them home again…there are many on this board who have been through this that may chime in.   Unfortunately, you have to harden your heart + do what is rationally best for them whether they like it or not.