Newbie here(3)

CRCrowe80

Hi I'm new here and I'm very excited about connecting with others who are in situations similar as mine. It will be great to talk to someone who understands. I'm currently living with my 80 year old grandmother who was diagnosed with alzheimer's and dementia a few years ago. I work full time and I'm her primary caretaker, although my father also lives with us. He originally moved in to help with his mother, but he is now in acute renal failure and isn't able to help as much as he used to. I love my grandmother with all my heart, but her illness is getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm normally a very patient person, but I find myself getting quickly agitated with her several times a day. I don't like feeling like that and I certainly never want to take anything out on her.  Any advice? Thanks in advance

SusanB-dil

Hi CRCrowe - welcome to 'here'...  It is normal to get frustrated, and so easy for others to say 'be patient, they can't help it', when they aren't living this.

Is grandmother more agitated or upset than she has been?  Have any meds been updated for that? Would you be able to get other help to come in for a few hours day or week so you could get out and to give you a break?

A lot of wise advice here, and I'm sure others will have other suggestions, also browse the archives of these boards and the 'solutions' tab up top here...

Sonja69

Hi. I'm new here too. Been dealing with this 'nightmare' with my mom for years. She was officially diagnosed with vascular dementia in September 2021 and I wish I had a quick easy answer for you. The best advice I can give is to take things one day at a time and try not to beat yourself up for the way you feel or react. This is not an easy situation for anyone to be in and I know it feels like there is no escape. Hopefully you can get extra help or possibly have your grandma put into a facility. If she is having behavioral issues, see if her medications can be adjusted.  It's really a lot to be taking on by yourself and you definitely need a support system, especially since your dad has renal failure.

Baker65

Hello I am new to this.  My mom is 84 years old and has short term memory or demantis.  I really having a hard time seeing her like this.  All i want to do is cry.  I lived with her through this and taking care of her.  She used to be active and now she is just mobile in her chair.  She has no interest in going any were.  She gets tired very easy because she sits all day long.  I no there is people out there going through the same thing I am.  We moved from San Diego to Marysville because my brothers wanted her closer to them.  I understand they have a family and work during the day.  My one brother comes to see her on the weekends for a little while. I am learner to be more patient with her but it is hard.  Is there any thing that I can do to be more patient with her.  Please give me some advise

Thanks

Knitting daughter

I am a recent member here. My father who is 84 has dementia. At this point that is all I can tell you because we were left out of so many conversations over the last 14 yrs ago. If Mom was still around you bet I would know what stage, kind of, medical team, etc. However, the girlfriend told us for years Dad did not have dementia, moved all is Doctors a hour and a half away from his home. 

About 10 months ago while I was on vacation and she thought my brother was still on vacation she and her daughter found an assisted living center, made a payment and scheduled the day for Dad to move in. 

Said girlfriend basically made sure I had little to nothing to do with my Dad for 13 yrs. It was made clear I was not to ask about spending a holiday with my Dad and often was left out of gatherings throughout the year. If I tried calling Dad within the first 5 mins she took over the call. She made a point of serving shellfish at gatherings I was able to go to which left out my oldest as she is allergic and with all the great grandkids touching the shrimp then touching a roll or cookie it was unsafe for my oldest to attend. They said it was her problem and she would have to deal with it and figure out how to stop these little ones. She also did a great job with my nephew and my two kids on scheduling "Christmas" during finals week for the universities the three grandkids were in. 

So during the first 9 months Dad was in the first care facility he would call both my brother and I constantly. During those calls he would beg to be closer to family. I would explain that meant he would not be seeing the girlfriend as often if at all. He still would say I would rather be closer to home. So after 9 months of this I found a center owned by the same company and is designed almost identically as his first to ease his confusion. We moved him a month ago. Both centers advised us to no tell anyone even the girlfriend about the move till after we completed the move. Less drama that way. So now that my brother has both medical and financial POA, we are taking control.

This is a great thing I try to see my Dad 2-3 times a week and often pick up his oldest great grandchild and take them with me. Dad is so excited to see us especially when I do the family knock on his door so he knows it is us. I am so happy I don't have to wait for a invite or ask permission to see my Dad. It's been stressful and have many questions on dealing with this illness. I already know there is a huge family history of Alzheimer/dementia in the family. So as we work with doctors and other medical professionals I will learn more about what he has. 

So my first few questions are:

1. Dad has a iphone so I am looking for a app or service that I can control Dad's outgoing calls to family as many times my brother and I can get upwards of 40 calls a day between the two of us. It looks like Telecalm is only for landlines

2. How do I get my brother to stop getting angry when he has to repeat himself over and over again. He thinks Dad should remember but he does not. 

3. Is it common for a person to worsen after a move? I love being able to see my Dad more often but have questioned the move a couple times as Dad's short term memory loss seems to have bigger and long term memory shorter. 

4. Dad knows that I am dealing with my own health issues and remembers they started even before my Mom died a little over 14 yrs ago but he seems so sad when I say I need to take a couple days before I will be back so I can let my issues calm down. the previous care center was 75 mins away the current one is 38 miles so about half the distance but still hard with my issues. How do you cope with the sadness?

mommyandme (m&m)

Knitting daughter,

You will probably get more response if you post your questions in a new thread.

Just FYI 

CRCrowe80

Thank you for all the response. Some days are much easier than others. She constantly complains about being bored sitting around the house all day, so on my days off I try to take her anywhere just to get out. But before we even leave I'm exhausted. She thinks she is only 40 years old....she says this constantly, even after I explain I'm 41, and I'm her granddaughter. She wants to dress herself but then gets so upset because she can't. Then after only 30-45 minutes, she is tired and is ready to be home. I battle with her all the time, especially to take her medicine or take a bath. She will go days and days without a bath. I'm thankful I found this board to read other's questions and answers. Thank you so much

toolbeltexpert

Crcrowe80 this is hard stuff to learn and it changes all the time. One thing that is helpful is don't try to reason, if she thinks she's 40, just compliment her, the bath thing is a hard battle sometimes just let it go. You don't mention if you have any of the legal stuff done.. Your going to need to get all the paperwork done if your gonna be in charge. A durable poa is a first step along with the finances. 

Iris L.

My 90+year old LO told me she was 25.  I asked, "can I be 25 too?"  She said "No, you're too old!"  You have to go with the flow. 

Iris L.

toolbeltexpert

Iris the things pwd say, to funny.  You gotta go with the flow.

Knitting daughter

Thank you I will do that

Bob in LW

Knitting daughter wrote:

2. How do I get my brother to stop getting angry when he has to repeat himself over and over again. He thinks Dad should remember but he does not. 

Short term memory loss can be frustrating for both your dad, and brother.  You need to sit your brother down and explain to him that your dad is unable to remember, and the best thing to do is to answer each question carefully and be patient.  I have found that it is best to give a short answer instead of a lengthy explanation.

StepByStep5473

Hi CRCrowe - welcome to 'here'... I'm new too. My biological mother now lives with me since late last year. She is very young from what I understand (67) and dealing with dementia due to micro-strokes caused by extended high-blood pressure issues in 2017. I'm still learning to cope and interact. I'm also very busy, so I haven't had a lot of time on the site (reading or sharing). I am trying. We'll see if I am able to utilize the tools or not. I do encourage reading through. What I have found so far has been very helpful.