Need Advice re: POA and a companion dog

LB3

Hi Everyone, My mom has mild Alzheimer's and is currently in AL (I moved her last year and then moved to be 10 min from her). Recently, she's been visiting independent senior living apartments and says she doesn't like her AL and wants to move. First, I feel like her dissatisfaction with the current AL is part of her disease and she'll be paranoid and unhappy no matter where she goes (this AL is very nice). Second, independent living seems totally out of the question - my mom needs help with her meds, she can no longer cook, etc. So I called the director of these apartments and asked them to tell my mom she's unable to move there because of her dementia and they told me she was free to move in if she wanted (and they've already taken a deposit from her). This was really upsetting to me. I have POA and am getting a letter of incapacity from her doctor which should activate her advanced health care and give me authority to make decisions regarding her health care. My question is, is there anything I can do to threaten action if this business keeps encouraging her to move (I'm located in CA)? 

Second, I wanted to get my mother a small senior companion dog but she says she doesn't want one (despite the fact she loves dogs and gets terribly lonely at night). Her AL can help her care for the pet and I will also be very involved in its care as well. Does anyone have experience with getting a dog for their LO? I keep hoping that if I find the right dog maybe it'll melt her heart. Then again, it could be a complete disaster. 

Any feedback would be appreciated, this is all so hard... thank you.

dayn2nite2

In what form was the deposit paid?  If by check and they haven't cashed it, stop payment on the check.  If by credit card, contact the credit card company (act like she is calling if needed) and dispute the payment (or dispute on the credit card portal).  Other than that, not much you can do until you get control of her access to money.

Do NOT get a dog for her.  She says she doesn't want one and it's unfair to the dog.

Phoenix1966

Regarding the dog, here was my experience with my grandmother. 

She had dogs most of her adult life(small breeds). By the time her dementia had advanced enough and she had the catastrophic event that allowed me to exercise my medical and legal POA, she was incapable of properly caring for her dog(no water ever left on the floor for the dog to access, an untreated cherry eye, horribly matted fur, never let it outside to eliminate, etc.). My mother and I stepped in as 24/7 tag-team caregivers and my mother brought along her two small, senior chihuahuas, which got along wonderfully with my grandmother’s Maltese/terrier mix. 

For about 4 days, my grandmother loved that the smallest chihuahua would sit on her lap calmly. She proclaimed that the dog loved her best and now all three dogs were hers. But by day five, all the dogs “hurt” her whenever they tried to walk across the couch to her lap(they did not jump on her). And as her overall agitation increased, my grandmother would worm her finger under the dog’s collar and then twist her finger around, slowly choking the dog in the process. And if she became angry, she would shove them hard away. We stopped letting them near, which added another layer of work in taking care of her since we could not trust her with them through no fault of hers.

Unless you are prepared to watch the dog 24/7 and eventually(probably sooner than you expect) take ownership of the dog, I would advise against it. 

terei

I would not get a dog unless you want to end up with it full time at your house. If she does not have the ability to cook or keep a house, she does not have the ability to maintain the demands of a dog. 

There are so many things that can go wrong, it is endless.  

Not feeding, over feeding (forgetting when fed last or just not aware enough to know it is harmful) not keeping track of the dog’s location, not reading the dog’s signals to go out so the dog eliminates in the house, which is not cleaned up, being rough with the dog, ignoring the dog, not cleaning the dog…on and on.

I finally had to bar dogs from even visiting my mother because she would handle the dog while she was eating (sandwich) without washing her hands + gave herself a good case of food poisoning.   This was AFTER we had to remove her dog because she fed it to the point of obesity + couldn’t remember to take it out.  

I would quit talking to her about a dog.

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May flowers

I agree with the others about the dog. I believe dementia changes a person’s relationship with animals just as it does with people. Someone else would end up caring for it and it would have to be re-homed eventually. He does like his toy stuffed dog, though.

My FIL used to just ignore our dogs or pet them when they walked by. He thought they were funny. He used to walk one of them everyday, until I saw one day he was dragging the dog because it didn’t want to go. I don’t know why, but he decided he didn’t want to walk with my FIL even though he loved to walk. Now in stage 7, their barking makes him very upset, and sometimes he pets them, sometimes he hits them, and some times he pulls them by their fur or ears to come to him. He does that grip thing and the more they pull away the tighter he hold until they cry out. Now, we have to steer the dogs away from him. 

SusanB-dil

Seriously thinking of a dog - how about a "companion pet pup" from 'joy for all'... a couple of different colors available and mostly very good reviews. 

Wouldn't have to worry about feeding, no vet bills, no taking it out...  they also have cats available.    key in:  joyforall.com

Rescue mom

Right off the bat, she does not want a dog. Even if she did “come to love it,” she sounds likes she cannot care for it. Even if PWDs love their dogs, they often give them things to eat that are basically poison, just because the dog “likes” it or they think the dog wants it. Or they over feed.

If she can’t cook or handle meds, I cannot imagine she can keep up with a dogs needs. Even if facility helps—which is incredibly rare as most are understaffed even for people—the staff can’t always be watching how she handles the dog.

PWDs wash/wipe the dog with chlorine, bleach, or other poisonous chemicals because the dog “looked dirty.” They physically hurt the dog, not meaning to but trying to “play” or pat. 

Or, they get angry with the dog over some imagined (or not) offense and punish enough to injure, or cause the dog to bite the person as self-protection. They trip over the dog, and may be unable to let it out or clean up after an accident.

Those are just a few things I’ve seen and heard from my own experience with LOs in facilities, and support groups.

The “joy for All” pets are incredibly life-like, and many if not most PWDs are very happy with those.

BassetHoundAnn

Many dog clubs visit assisted-living residences regularly with their dogs to socialize with residents. You might ask the residence's activity coordinator about that. 

When my mom with Alzheimer's was staying with us it was a disaster dog-wise. She loved our dogs but whenever we weren't looking she was feeding them--food from her plate which she didn't want, food from the cupboards and refrigerator, entire boxes of dog biscuits all at once because she couldn't remember what she had fed them seconds before. Of course the dogs loved her and followed her everywhere but they were getting very sick and packing on pounds. We were also constantly fearful that she would feed them something inappropriate or poisonous like chocolate. She was beyond the ability to remember or even comprehend warnings that there are some people food dogs should not have. We tried to keep her and the dogs separated by baby gates but that didn't work for long. 

Dogs and dementia don't mix. 

mommyandme (m&m)

I wouldn’t do the dog. My mother has two cats that we brought with her when we moved her. 

She loves them, yes, they lift her up sometimes, yes. She has no ability to care for them but since I’m with her they are cared for.  

Yet, just two days ago she pinched the cat’s tail so hard the cat cried out.  My mom definitely picks and prods things to extremes and I’m assuming the tail bone felt like something to investigate.  

My point is that suddenly pets aren’t a good fit with dementia patients.  Besides the LO not treating them properly, they are also a tripping hazard. Sooner or later it will be a problem instead of a positive.

LB3

Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate your feedback.

Her finances are extremely complex and I've been handling them since long before her diagnosis because I'm an only child and the details escape her. My mother is on the younger side, as am I - she's in her early 70s and I'm in my 30s. She moves, looks, speaks like an extremely put-together woman decades younger than her real age which has caused difficulties for me since the beginning of this journey because she's able to fool strangers she has brief interactions with into thinking she's normal.

Although she no longer cooks complex dishes like she used to, she is still capable of doing something simple (I like that the AL facility she's in provides hot healthy meals, because alternatively she would just fix herself a bowl of cereal which isn't that nutritious). I have trackers on everything in case of emergency - she hasn't been lost or unable to find her way home yet but I know this day is coming.

I am fortunate that her AL residence is nearby and offers a lot of assistance with pets. I should have reworded my initial post to say "she wants a dog, she just says that she will worry about it when she travels" because she used to be quite the globe trotter (and this has obviously changed). However, it sounds like most everyone here advises against it or has had to deal with some horrific experiences because they were the primary caregiver living with their LO which sounds extremely stressful. I can't imagine what being with her 24/7 would be like. 

I got her the "joy for all" dog last year and she thought it was ridiculous and said something to the effect of "I'm not that far gone yet." Maybe it's worth trying again when she's progressed further. Anyway, thank you again for sharing all your perspectives!