This morning I lost it badly

Ed1937

I can handle just about anything she throws (not literally) at me, but I have a hard time when she is not cooperative, and that's just about all the time. First thing this morning she gave me a problem because I insisted she get dressed. She was in the living room with nothing on but a sweatshirt. I literally had to drag her into the bedroom, got her underwear on, and got her dressed. We had breakfast, then I gave her her meds. She is always refusing them, but I keep pestering her, and she finally gives in. She took her pills after refusing them for several minutes, but did not want her capsules, which are colored, and when wet anything they touch gets the blue and purple dye all over it. Finally she put them in her mouth, and I told her to take a drink of water to wash them down. She refused, then took them out of her mouth. The dye is now all over her mouth and hands, as well as the table. I grabbed her water glass, and threw it from the dining room into the kitchen, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. By nature I am an easy going man. I told her she was going into a nursing home. She wouldn't know what MC is. It didn't faze her. I'm still hoping that doesn't happen for a while.

Kenzie56

Oh Ed, I am so sorry. I feel your frustration and have felt like throwing things at times, too.  Pill taking is now my bug-a-boo with DH. 

Regarding getting dressed, sometimes I tell him someone is at the door and to hurry into the bedroom where I get him dressed so the visitor won't see him in his underwear...by the time he is dressed, he has forgotten about the "visitor at the door".  Don't know if that trick will help.  Good luck!  

CStrope

We all have our breaking points and our days when we just can't do it....Hang in there.

toolbeltexpert

Ed I am so sorry cause I know how it feels afterward. I personally don't know how you cope so well. Forgive yourself some days are harder than others. I be praying for you, I do everyday. Your the best caregiver your wife will ever have!

David J

Ed, I sure know how that feels. I have broken a few things here when the frustration turns to anger. In 45 years together, I have never touched her in anger, but things like your glass of water take the brunt. My inability to cope was one of the things that lead to my getting her into Memory Care. She was getting worse and I was not coping well.  Both of us were living unhealthy lives, physically and emotionally.  The physical and emotional issues feed off each other, creating a spiraling vortex, akin to a flushing toilet.  Don’t let it take you down the drain.  You’ve proven yourself as a good, loving caregiver for your wife, always doing what was best for her. Don’t let your love for her kill you.

Pam BH

Ed, I fully understand what you were feeling and what you're feeling now. Please go easy on yourself. Caregiving under these circumstances is hard enough but your mind is also being weighed down by just the thought of considering memory care. You are caring for your wife beautifully and compassionately.

60 falcon

I get it, totally.

jfkoc

Oh, Ed. We do get it. 

Get that Plan B in place. Just knowing it is there will probably help you.

Talk to Dr and pharmacist about the meds. Maybe some can be stopped. Maybe some can be put into food or changed to liquid.

Do not worry about dressing. Depends and bathrobe will be enough 

and

get some plastic cups!

Now when you clean up the hundreds of pieces please go over the area with something like a wet swifter to get up the miniscule pieces.

abc123

Dear Ed, I understand it! We are only human and we all have a breaking point. Please go easy on yourself. The comment made by David J. really says it all. Don’t let your love for her kill you.

JoseyWales

I get it.

I used to imagine vividly what would happen if I threw whatever was in my hand at the time of frustration. The full dinner plate into the wall. The glass into the window. I *almost* never followed through, but in my mind I could imagine that window shattering and how great it would feel. Then I'd imagine having to clean up....

Twice I did throw my phone across the room out of frustration, probably after something similar to what you're describing happened. One time I was aiming for the pillow on the bed. I missed. It hit the wall and took a good sized chunk out of the drywall and cracked the phone. 

I moved to crushing DH's pills and putting them in pudding or applesauce. And then he'd take the tiniest little bites and I'd just want to throw that pudding into the wall. One time I counted - 26 bites to get the medicine down.

Rescue mom

As said, we all have breaking points, and some days are different/worse than others. I don’t know how you handle and deal with all the things you do, already. It’s bound to hit the wall some times.

Cooperative left this wheelhouse years ago, there’s no point in a contest of wills with a noncognitive person, except it upsets me, him (for a very short time),  and wastes my energy. Any cooperation now is a gift, greatly appreciated but no more expected from him than from a 3 yo.

My advice would be much like jfroc, which I think boils down to, what does it really hurt? Is this *really* necessary? DHs meds were re-evaluated by docs and most ended, what was needed years ago can be different than what an 80-yo with a terminal disease needs. Not worth the fight.

DH doesn’t want to get dressed? Ok, here’s a robe—or a pair of shorts, or even a towel. No one else around, and there’s time to change if needed. He doesn’t want to eat what I cooked? Ok, here’s a boost, or a pb&j. He made a mess in the kitchen? I can pick it up easier than try to “discuss” with him. Wont bathe? Is a health-risk level, or something a few quick wet wipes can handle. He lost our tax info? I have to hide things better.

It’s hard. I wish he was the nice, cooperative person he used to be. Those days are gone, and now we cope as best we can. Somebody here said “things don’t have to be done great, just good enough.” A hard lesson for me, but huge. When we’ve done all we can, that’s when we turn to facilities for help.

June45

Yep...been there.  We can handle only so much. I got to the point where I needed to place him before I did something I would truly regret. Placement isn't perfect, but at least now I get more than 3 - 4 hours of sleep at night.

jmlarue

This has been a long slog for so many of you and I surely understand that "losing it" is the ultimate gut-punch for the caregiver. Most of us are just mere mortals - incapable of the patience of a Saint. This is such a hopeless situation for us. Regardless how kind, caring, hardworking we are, it won't foster understanding or improved behavior in our LO. At some point it just becomes intolerable and we need that verbal rant or broken china as a release so we don't lose our own minds. We just need to shove that guilt down deep and carry on. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to you to your LO. When I can't do that anymore, my DH will enter memory care for both of our sakes.

mrl

Oh Ed-been there, done that. You are a wonderful husband and caregiver...forgive yourself

and hang in there.

Michele

DrinaJGB

I can totally relate and have been there myself.

Lills

Forgive yourself; we've all been there!

When my DH wanted to go for walks ALL the time,  sometimes, I'd say I can't go right now, but in two minutes, etc.  Of course, he was half-way out the door by the time I got my sentence out.  (This was long before I changed the locks.)  One time, he walked out of the house; I was had a cup of flour in my hand and I threw it across the kitchen.  Flour everywhere.  I was so darn frustrated!  I left the flour on the flour, quickly left to catch up with him.  When we came home, he, of course, tracked the flour across the kitchen, hallway and into the bedroom.  What a job to clean it all up.  I learned my lesson, for sure.  

ImMaggieMae

Ed, I’ve been there, but no breaking glass since I would have been the one to have to clean it all up. But the threats to put DH into a nursing home have been blurted out of my mouth on a few occasions, when he is out of my sight for a few minutes, runs upstairs and removes poopy depends, leaving them on the bathroom floor and then putting his sweatpants back on (no depends) and peeing in them. Then I feel horrible for threatening him with something like that. This is all happening too fast, from some stage of MCI last July, but still being independent, to not being able to dress himself, shower,  and not comprehend more than a written sentence or two at a time and being incontinent most of the time. It seems like every week it’s something new to adjust to. He's cooperative most of the time, but more and more issues come up where he isn’t. I don’t know how some of you have been living with this for years.

DJnAZ

I totally get it too, Ed.

As recently as this morning. Today she absolutely refused to take her only pill, a tiny low dose Risperidone. Fortunately I didn't have a water glass in hand, so I took the pill bottle and threw it in the trash. I even recall telling her when she is in memory care they will make her take the meds.

I finally settled down after several games of Gin Rummy on my computer. Just another day in the life of a spousal caregiver. Living the dream!

Ed1937

Thank you everyone for your comments. This has been building up for a few days, and I just lost it this morning. 

I have an appointment to see our CELA on Tuesday just to be sure everything is in place in case I do place her. I think everything is in good shape, but he might have some suggestions for me before I start placement, if I do.

I also have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I'll let him know what happened, and see if he has anything to say about it. I'll also see if those capsules are available in pill form, and I'll check to see if her meds can be crushed.

ButterflyWings

Ed - you are only human. I agree with the advice you have received and have given many others many times. Don’t beat yourself up. No sense crying over spilt milk, or a broken glass. The moment has passed and if you can, please let it go. No harm, no foul.  

You are a wonderful spouse and caregiver, under extreme stress.  Very glad that you are assessing practical considerations including checking in with experts regarding both your DW’s future wellbeing as well as your own.  Can you get a respite break for a week a least? 

Paris20

Ed, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Taking meds, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating a meal, trying to keep him away from sweets (he is headed for diabetes) are all ordeals that I must deal with daily. I haven’t thrown anything yet but I have exploded in rage a couple of times because of my husband’s behavior. His latest is feeding our beagle large amounts of people food. She is terminally ill, with a tumor on her hind leg. The weight gain puts an additional strain on her ability to walk. When I told him to stop feeding her at the table, he screamed at me, «Leave me alone! Leave me the F alone!» That’s what I’m trying to do, i.e., ignore him, because if I say anything to him right now, I’ll regret it. This is torture.

Gig Harbor

I feel your pain. I have never thrown a glass but maybe I will switch to plastic because it might be in my future. I get annoyed and tired. Right now I am trying to convince him to take a shower and he is shuffling things around in the bedroom. I gave him his first dose of Seroquel this afternoon so will see if it helps his confusion. Fingers crossed. You sound like you are near to breaking but I think there comes a time when the best care is not in our homes. I think in a memory care with lots of people around and activities taking place might help keep confusion under control.

Hoot619

Ed, I have been going the same stuff with my DW and also the Depends thing. It is getting harder and harder to control myself. I'm getting ticked off to quick. I'm getting a break tomorrow ,Daughter in law will be here I have eye appointment downstate.  Getting away sure helps. Hoot619

Ed1937

I know I'm not the only one who has been under a lot of stress, and I wish none of us had to experience that. It's harder than hard.

Beachfan

Ed, About a month before DH was placed in his MCF, I was helping him shower.  I used a plastic long handled brush to scrub his hair and he would just need to rinse off the soap to finish a thorough shampoo.  I was annoyed about something and was crabbing at him through clenched teeth while exerting too much pressure on the brush. The brush snapped, the jagged handle in my hand slipped and I left a nasty gash under his eye along his cheek.  I was mortified at what I had done while exasperated; I am typically calm and unflappable.  This was just one of several wake up calls that led to my resolution that placement was the direction in which we were headed, for his well being as well as for mine.  Don’t beat yourself up.  You provide exceptional care for your DW; but don’t ignore the red flags.  You are wise to work on plan B; you never know if and when you’ll need to make drastic changes.  Best wishes; hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Marie58

Ed, don't be too hard on yourself.  This is the hardest job ever and we're all just human.

I agree you should see if you can discontinue some of her meds. And ones you can crush and put in pudding or applesauce would be better, too.

I'm also usually a pretty patient person. But with lack of sleep and all the stress of caregiving, I started getting more and more impatient with DH. That was a sign for me that it was time to consider MC. 

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Marp

I'm sorry you had such a rough day, but maybe it will help you to know that your post, and the comments that followed, helped me today.

I have never thrown or broken anything, but there are days I want to scream, "I'm going to put you in a home!" Hoping to spur cooperation. I haven't done that, but it's hard not to. Glad to know I'm not the only one who has times like that.

Bless you for having the courage to share your story and I hope the support from others brightens your day s little bit.

DanSchermerhorn

Hey Ed, This is my first day on this site and already I'm finding comfort in the post. 

Listen, you and I are much in the same way. Debi has  Primary Progressive Aphasia and has progressed to the point of total dependency on me.

Her pills are a major daily issue for both of us. One of her medications helps reduce her anxiety and wdithout it she really becomes a handful. 

I bought a small coffee grinder and grind the pills to a fine powder and feed her the pills with applesauce. I alternate spoonfuls, one spoon with meds mixed in the applesauce and then one spoonfull just applesauce..it's still a challenge but maybe something you might want to consider. 

She mostly jabbers these days, I seldom understand what she's saying anymore but sometimes I get lucky   She gets frustrated, angry, accuses me of things. She's mostly incontinent, I'm up with her 3,4,5 times a night taking her to the bathroom. She can't bathe herself anymore and follows me everywhere around the house..I hired a woman to come sit with her twice a week 4 hours a day. They watch chick flicks together but Deb usually dozes.. It gives me a chance to to breathe. Her daughters take her home with them one weekend a month. I truly  look forward to the down time and treat myself to a nice dinner that I really enjoy.

When she was diagnosed I made up my mind I would that I would not do anything to have regrets when this was over. I can't say I've been successful, but but I continue to try.  

It seems we here are all in the same boat going to the same destination,  some of us faster than others but the end the same thing. 

I so hope you can find peace in the days ahead.  Take care brother

Gig Harbor

Welcome Dan,

Sounds like you have your hands full and I am sure you do look forward to your free time. I just wanted to say that I am realizing that if I can’t care for my husband at home until the end, and I know I won’t be able to, I will not have regrets. Sometimes the best care is the care given someplace else and augmented by a loving spouse visiting frequently. For the LO it can be a win/ win situation.

LNM27

I have been "stalking" this group for quite some time and am constantly grateful for the wonderful people here sharing their struggles and useful suggestions.

This post made me happy. Not happy happy, but happy to know that I'm not the only one who has threatened to put LO in a home.  My glass story is somewhat reversed.  I accidentally broke a glass on the kitchen floor.  While trying to clean it up I repeatedly told him not to come in the kitchen, but of course my shadow wanted nothing more than to be right next to me. After asking nicely to stay out several times, I lost it and screamed get out or you'll be out!

The only good thing I can see is that they forget or don't understand the outburst and it bothers them much less than us.  

Ed1937

Dan and Ellen, welcome to the forum. This really is a good place to be for all of us, and we care for each other. You'll fit in just fine.

Dan, I'm sure you look forward to that time off. I went to our daughter's yesterday to get things ready for our attorney. I was gone about 2 1/2 hours, and it was really stress relieving.

Ellen, we both lost it. Several other members are also not a stranger to that. It's OK if we did that. That only shows we care. I forgive myself.