How often should I visit?

JoseyWales

My question of the day is, how often should I visit?

5 weeks and 2 days in memory care now. 

I know the answer to my question is to do what feels right. I'm visiting every other day, for 2-3 hours. It's a 35-40 minute drive each way. And yes, working full time still. He enjoys my visits, but I'm not sure he knows who I am. I help him eat meals, because without me there I'm not sure he'd eat as much as I can get him to eat. I also bring favorite foods that he doesn't get there. He looks clean and well taken care of, and that's been consistent since day 1, so I'm no longer concerned over care.

I've talked to staff. He won't sit for any activity, even if they try to get him to participate. Even one on one. I can't get him to do anything with me, so I'm not surprised at all. He likes to walk around, and that's what I do with him when I'm there. I feel like my ability to spend that time with him and walk around keeping him company is some of the only extended attention he gets. Staff does interact with him, but they can't focus on only him like I can when I'm there.

My friend who has worked in a nursing home has encouraged me to take a week off. I just feel like I'll be letting him down when he needs me. 

For those of you at this point, please share your experiences. I'd appreciate all different viewpoints on this.

Marie58

I'm only 5 minutes away from my DH's MC (and retired) so I actually visit several times per week, probably 4 days minimum. I would say most visits are about an hour. I bring treats too. Homemade cookies or his favorite candy. He's bedbound so we don't walk anymore, but we used to. Now I read to him, put lotion on him, touch up his moustache, things like that. I remember worrying the first time I went out of town, thinking he'd miss me. When I asked the staff how he did, they were very gentle and kind in their response, but basically my NOT being there made NO difference. Are you stressed by the time you're putting in with the visits and the driving? If so, your friend may have a point. Maybe you don't need a week off, but maybe a few less visits. I don't know how you do that much while you're still teaching. I agree you probably just need to do what feels right, but don't go too much if it's stressing you out. You'll be able to visit more this summer.

Quilting brings calm

No more than twice a week.  Once during the week since you are working.  Once on the weekend.  However, if you can’t make it for some reason, wait until the next time.  Maybe more this summer, maybe not. Since he appears well dressed and cared for, he’s most likely well fed too.    You need to rest and slowly resume your life. your visit schedule isn’t allowing you to do either. Probably isn’t even allowing you to get  chores done

Ed1937

We're not there yet, but I agree with Quilting. You probably need more time for yourself than he needs for you to be there. It sounds like he's fine, and probably eating plenty. You are still in recovery mode, and you need to get the most out of it. You handled your super woman chores admirably, now it's time for semi retirement.

Mint

Agree with Quilting and Ed.  Take care of yourself which provides care for him also.

Beachfan

Josey,

I agree with you as well as all who posted.  Whatever feels “right” to you is right for you.  I visit DH once a week, taking into consideration weather and daylight (it’s literally an hour over the mountains and through the woods with some interstate thrown in).  He does not know me, does not react to my coming or going, or most of the time in between.  I help with his lunch, sometimes walk him around; typically, I hold his hand and chat with the other residents.  He does not actively participate in activities, but he will sit with the group and occasionally comment. He is clean, well fed and content; at his stage, I can’t ask for much more.  Several times I have been approached, out of the blue, by random staff who say, “Are you ‘coach’s’ wife? He’s so sweet; we love him.”  That warms my heart; it is unsolicited and genuine and reassures me that he’s “okay” without me.  It’s still a crappy situation, but I’m managing and moving forward.  Follow your heart; best wishes.  Summer can’t come soon enough for teachers.  

JoseyWales

Thanks everyone. Everything is just continual change along this journey, isn't it? Constantly figuring out a new normal.

I appreciate the advice. I think I'm going to start visiting every third day for a while. I'm not headed there today I feel like I should go, since I don't have to work today. But I ran errands instead. 

Quilting - you're right. I'm not getting chores done. I was looking forward to doing a complete house cleaning and some minor repairs I've been letting go, but I haven't done ANY of that yet. I have, however, watched 2 seasons of the Mandalorian. And a few episodes of Hoarders, to get me motivated. It didn't work. A big problem is I'm just not home to do anything but the basics.

Beachfan - I love that the staff has gone out of their way to tell you how much they love your husband.

ladyzetta

Josey,

Your DH is in good hands and being well cared for. Its time now for you to take care of yourself. My DH was in MC in the beginning I went every day, then down to every other day. My DH was being well cared for and at times I don't think he knew who I was. We live close to the MC so getting there was easy. I finally started going once and maybe twice a week. You need to do what right for you, your DH is in good hands. Take Care of yourself. Hugs Zetta 

Quilting brings calm

Josey…. A little TV time never hurt anyone.  Sometimes it’s what we need to calm our frazzled mind and heart.    The chores will wait.  Just do one 15-30 minute chore a day on the days you don’t go visit.  Something tells me those evenings are when you really need that tv time.