Feeling guilty and failing at my duty

Quilting brings calm

As some of you know, I’ve been ‘down in the back’ for over 4 months now.  Compressed fractures two months apart and then I sneezed the wrong way eight weeks after the second  one. It’s been two weeks after that and I’m coming up for air the last couple days.   Started physical therapy again this week.  

Other than phone calls, my parents were left in  the care of the assisted living center staff for December through February.  Could not get any help from my step siblings - they’ve washed their hands of them and wouldn’t help.  March was better in that I could get them to the doctor( with a caveat)  a couple times and have  a couple short visits otherwise.  But these last two weeks were back to me being stuck in the house again. Also discovered I  have osteoporosis. 

I’m feeling guilty - for all that and for the fact that I will never again be able to physically support either of them as they walk, etc.  I’ve told mom that I can’t take her anywhere without her walker( she prefers her cane when she leaves the facility), and that dad needs to use his cane( he won’t).  I cannot currently load/unload the walker in/out of the car due to a weight restriction after the sneeze. So I can’t take her to the doctor right now.  He can, he took her to urgent care last weekend.  He left her there while he ran errands and then came and sat in the lobby rather than in the exam room when he got back.  She called me during this upset( she’s the one with MCI/mild dementia) . Luckily she didn’t have anything more than an irritation because she won’t wipe properly. 

I’m feeling guilty because we had to move them from a one bedroom to a two bedroom two year ago this coming  July during the pandemic because they were arguing and causing her to go off the rails emotionally,  still arguing etc.  so their money is shrinking faster than desired. The arguing has a 58 year history.   She doesn’t want to move back to a one bedroom.  He thinks I’m stealing ‘his’ money.  He signs all checks  from ‘his’ account ( my name is not on it) and I have records of anything I do from accounts  that have my name on them.  Nothing has been spent that by me that  isn’t a request from them. In 3 years we will have an  real issue if they are both alive and unless one is on Medicaid in a nursing home.  They are 82/83.  But I can’t move  them in here and they can’t live in a lesser level of care than where they are. 

I feel guilty because my spouse and I decided that I cannot physically handle an Illinois winter this next year and are making plans to be gone for some of it. He also wants to travel while he can still see and he’s got other health issues that will impact our  future. 

 I feel guilty because I’m tired and resentful.  I feel like I should push through and be dealing with things instead of using an excuse to hide in the corner with my covers over my head.  LT, Josey, Ed, Crushed, abc123. M1 and pretty much  all the rest here are so much deeper in the trenches of caregiving than me and I’m here whining.  Thanks for letting me do so. 

harshedbuzz

QBC-

Please extend yourself some grace. All caregiving is hard. 

All stages of this damned disease have aspects that especially suck. Yes, visiting the love of one's life after all glimmer of you were together is gone is a heart-wrench. Blue glove duty is not for the faint of heart. And sleep deprivation can try a saint. But it's also true that assisting a person in the earlier stages who is with it enough to insist on doing things their way is its own kind of unnecessarily exhausting enterprise. My dad was a tough customer even before the addition of dementia to the mix; in many respects looking out for him was so much easier after he'd progressed past the point where you are now.

Take the time to commit to your own health and to enjoy time with your husband. You've got the situation covered-- your mom is well cared for.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

HB has some really good advice, as always

You do have things covered!  Rest your mind…I know three years is daunting… who knows what will be by then. For now they are both in good hands. At least enjoy these three years without worry and guilt. Go traveling with your husband and enjoy yourself. It’s going to go by quickly and now is the time. Enjoy today and tomorrow. You deserve your time too, as does your husband. 

You’re a fabulous daughter to both of them, no guilt. It’s ok to live your life to the fullest and you should. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. Live for today since your LOs are safe, take advantage of this time! We never know…

Stuck in the middle

Guilt is warranted when you caused the problem or could fix it.  I fail to see how you caused this problem (your mother married him, you didn't) and I can't think of a single thing you can do to fix it beyond what you have already done.  So, no guilt allowed. 

Please take care of yourself and enjoy the sun next winter.  You and your husband deserve it.

LicketyGlitz

Quilting, I agree whole-heartedly with the excellent advice from everyone. I know how you feel, I would feel guilty too, but everybody's right: you have and are doing the best you can for them in the circumstances life has placed you all in. And while saying don't feel guilty is easier than actually not feeling guilty I wish you peace and belief in yourself that you are knocking it out of the park in very, very difficult times.

Keep on keepin' on! And go see the a bit of the world with your fella!

Quilting brings calm

Thank you all.  It’s been a tough time between being discouraged about my own health, my spouse’s health, and then the whole feeling guilty thing.  Sometimes  I just need the validation from people who understand. 

Today was a visit day.  Had a pair of shoes to pick up from mom and eventually return somewhere  ( my son ordered my mom the wrong size).  That was a never ending saga yesterday ( six  phone calls all the same discussion).  Took a check to my step dad on their joint account for car repairs for Monday. I already made the check out to the dealership.  That’s how much I don’t trust him to not go open another account in his name somewhere local with it.  The time  he did that when we were moving them back here from out of state they was enough.  I left  the amount and the signature line blank. There’s not a lot of extra money in that account.  I keep possession of the checkbooks and  the blank checks.  Ran an errand for them.  Back pain was tolerable today.

And then just to make me even more disgusted with it all … I burnt my leg when the pan of salmon fell off the oven rack onto the open oven door and the edge of the pan hit just under my knee.  We’ve got everything we need here to deal with that for tonight.  Silvadene, non stick gauze etc. even have some medicated yellow strips in foil packs from when my spouse burned his leg.  I don’t remember  the name but they were recommended by the doctor and I ordered extra.  I’m pretty sure I don’t need those though. I will have a doctor look at it if it isn’t mostly cleared up by morning.  

 I am  sitting here with an ice pack ( and towel under the bag since you aren’t supposed to put ice directly on anything).  Giving it some time to draw out as much heat as possible.    Maybe another half hour 

M1

QBC I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.  Back problems are awful and likely will continue to smolder--and the burn just adds insult to injury I'm sure.  Everything gets like that when you're rattled.  You're not whining.

I don't envy you one bit.  Both my parents died sudden deaths and I consider myself lucky because of that.

May flowers

I have done plenty of venting here - sometimes you just have to! It is definitely not whining - your feelings are justified. You have a crazy amount on your plate right now. I can relate a little - nowhere to the level you are at, but I have some health issues that make me feel so bad some days it’s very hard to be a caregiver. Those days I do the bare minimum and don’t try to engage him with activities all day long, or prepare anything to eat fancier than a can of soup, etc. but on those days he is clean, fed, safe, and cared for and that is all I have to give. The past month my arthritis has flared up badly and I have a torn rotator cuff, and sometimes turning him a certain way hurts so bad I’m in tears. I just pray on those days that he cooperates and doesn’t resist clothing or diaper changes. It stinks!

Quilting brings calm

And  the weekend just keeps coming. 

Today my mom called with the veiled accusation from my step dad about money again. He has absolutely no idea what their savings was when I took over their finance in Oct  2019, but he keeps throwing out  numbers and saying we stole ‘x’ amount.   She worries about how much money they do have.  Then he goes to the grocery store and buys stuff they don’t need.  They get 3 meals a day and their cabinets are stuffed with food. Yet their grocery bills are over $100 weekly. 

 I get so tired of explaining that the money was nowhere near x and that everything that has been spent has been on their bills. And then being harassed about how much money is being spent.  I reminded her that their outgo  was  more than their income. I told her I was tired of hearing it, that if they wanted to save money then quit buying stuff they didn’t need and to move back into a one bedroom at the assisted living center.    That moving them into the two bedroom was draining their finances because it is costing an extra $1000 a month.    If it weren’t for the fact that he would have their finances destroyed, causing havoc with their Medicare supplements, etc, I would hand him the checkbook and say have fun.  Naw, probably not, because my older son would feel obligated to step up from 3 hours away. He thinks his grandpa is wonderful. 

GothicGremlin

Hi Quilting --

I hope today is being nicer to you than yesterday.  I had meant to post earlier that from everything I've seen you post, you're doing an amazing job under very trying circumstances.

Like everyone has said, you've got your bases covered -- make some plans, travel out of the cold and into the sun. It'll be great for both you and your husband.

Quilting brings calm

Gothic Gremlin - Today was a much better day.  Back was feeling good for most of the day. We went to my brother-in-laws for the first real extended family holiday get together since the pandemic started.  It was wonderful.    The under age 18 group organized an Easter egg hunt for the adults - and we loved it! They had one too so they weren’t left out. 

Only one phone call today.  Not much change in the daily conversation except the parents are already discussing a move to a one bedroom.  Of course there is no timetable on that until they talk to a new director that’s being hired - but it’s a start.   We were still at the family get together so I had a reason to keep the call short.  

Iris L.

Quilting brings calm wrote:

 I get so tired of explaining 

Stop explaining!  You're going down a rabbit hole.  Now is a season of new beginnings.  Get rid of guilt!  You can't go on like this.  I hope your back is doing better!

Iris