How do I hate the disease but not hate him

ElCy

It’s so hard to separate the disease from the person.

LauraPaul

I so understand this feeling

It is so hard to do though I think

I feel hurt when he yells 

I feel angry when he does not cooperate

I feel angry at everything these days

Why did this have to happen to us?

Why does it even have to happen to anyone?

Gig Harbor

I agree with both of you. It is very hard to remember that they would not be this way if they had a choice but nothing makes this easier.

sandwichone123

That's true. My son says, "You can't be mad at him, because he doesn't know any better." While that makes good sense, the fact is I CAN be mad, and I am!

But I remind myself that he's not trying to be annoying, and that often even the thing that really annoys me is sweet--like him buying me that candy bar I only sort of like, for the fourth time that week. Or him telling me that same thing--again, yet again, but he looks to me for support and confirmation.

Yes, I can be annoyed, sometimes I can be mad, but usually with a few minutes' reflection, I'm not mad or annoyed *at him*.

Ed1937

I get so angry when my wife will not cooperate when I'm trying to help her. But I love her, even though I absolutely hate this disease.

Crushed

Here is how you practice

It’s so hard to separate the disease from the person.

1) get a cat.  Give the cat a list of things to do .  The cat will  ignore the list and  do exactly what the cat wants to do.    Scream at the cat that it is ungrateful for all of your efforts and is a miserable bastard   the cat will not care and will go crap somewhere you will step   Repeat till you realize that no matter what you do the cat is a cat.   Millions of people keep cats
  
2) When you are finished with the cat go get a plant.  tell the plant you are tired of its attitude and it better straighten up and fly right   Repeat until you realize it's a plant and does not comprehend what you want.  

3) find a parent of a screaming child . Tell the parent  to make the kid shut up and stop screaming. When you wake up in the hospital  you will realize the futility of  trying to deal with a demented brain and you will feel better

 

  

 

Pam BH

It is very very hard.  My biggest frustrations usually occur when I don't know how to handle something he did or said. I've always been a fixer and a planner, and new situations simply confound me.  This forum is my go-to place to find out how others have handled the same or similar situtations.  Crushed, I absolutely love your analogy. I've now got this mental image of me demanding a cat do something that is making me laugh.

Rescue mom

Crushed, that’s great. I’m saving that. Meanwhile, appropos of not much, it reminded me, last night I had a session with DH, who was determined to go for a walk buck nekkid. We live in a dense neighborhood, anything outside can always be in sight of others.

 I ended up raising my voice and using strong words (not too much b/c neighbors can hear, too) to stop him and get him back inside, then he said so pitifully, “why are you picking on me?” 

Not only do I feel bad about it now, I have not heard that term since grade school. 

So now, insisting that he cover up outside is “picking on me.” Sigh…I don’t think a cat would ever say that.

Back to the OP. I always struggled with that question. You “can’t” be angry or frustrated because they’re sick. I know that. Yet the fact remains, I get angry. My therapist suggested other ways to deal with anger than trying to deal with that cause/person. 

Sometimes they work better than others.

Crushed

Ive told this story before but I think it fits

We were in  in a bungalow in Kruger park in South Africa

For animal watching you go at dawn and sunset and sleep in the middle of the day
I'm making lunch at  the outside kitchen and DW comes outside  wearing nothing but a T shirt 
(I think someone called it the Winnie the Poo look )
I said  Hello ?
DW  I thought you might like some sex 
Me   AFTER LUNCH
DW    Ok and sits down
I zip back in the bungalow and get her patio dress and and cover her up

She just no "situational awareness" 

CStrope

I did not, and do not have the best marriage, so it is very easy to be angry, resentful, and a whole list of other negative feelings.  I worked with a therapist for awhile, and she was glad I came to the following conclusion and coping mechanism.  I have figured out how to compartmentalize my life with DH.  The pre Alz part must be kept separate from the current state, and the current state kept separate from my worries about the future.  I try very hard not to include my negative feelings I have/had for him throughout our marriage into the present.  It does no good.  I do have days when I am completely upset with him, but I make sure I'm only bringing in my current feelings, not feelings from the past.

That being said, I still have days when I think about the bad times in the "pre" stage and I'm very angry about it, I just can't let it affect how I deal with current situations.

Kevcoy

I have often said to myself, I love him dearly but right now I don't really like him very much.  Oh and I have three cats.