Is the anger real

Denise55uk

 Everyone says don’t take to heart the anger and hate mum throws at me but it’s hard. 

Mum is in a care home, been there since mid covid, there was no other option, she was a greater fall risk, dementia increasing and couldn’t be left overnight. She had a fall, went to hospital, from there to rehab and from there to the home. She’s been there 2 years. I would say 90% of the visits we have managed (been difficult with covid ) she has thrown so much nastiness at me so much hate it’s hard to believe she doesn’t realise what she’s saying. I am her only child, I supported her for over 20 years after dads stroke. I took her shopping, days out everything, yet she sits there saying she never liked me, never loved me, always hated me, says to go and never come back. She adores my hubby, she’s never nasty with him, she gets nasty to the carers but nothing like I get. 
I can’t help but feel that she never did love me, I remember things as a child , how she was and I find myself thinking the only thing dementia has done is give her courage and a voice to say how she truly feels.  
Mum had 2 sisters she didn’t like, one she hated though the sister treated her bad so I see why. She loved her brother and her dad. When I see her she says where’s mum, where’s dad, then the hate starts, I just hope she sees me as the sister she hated and has forgotten I was her baby. It’s so hard. I did wonder if she blames me for her being in the home, but we had no option.

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May flowers

Welcome to the board, but so sorry you are dealing with this. My FIL went through a period of meanness with us but it has passed. It always seemed to be triggered by something that made him sad or frustrated (even if we had nothing to do with the cause) and he just didn’t know how to express his feelings so he would take it out on us. I know PWD do not have a filter so whatever is in their mind comes out, and there is no ability to rationalize that you are not the cause of the pain and anger. It’s like a brain of a toddler trying to deal with adult level pain. 

We knew this was not normal for my FIL, nor were his true feelings about us. If your mom was not mean to you before dementia, then I’d chalk it up to the disease and nothing else. 

Every stage is hard. We are in stage 7, on hospice and while there are difficult things now, it is different than difficult things in other stages. Now, it is more hands on and sad. In earlier stages it was more frustrating when he had anosognia (when he lashed out the most). At one stage it was exhausting (he was exit seeking 24/7). Where he is now, he is the sweetest I have ever known him. He loves to hug and hold hands. He says I love you. He never did these kinds of things even pre dementia. But a diaper change can send him into a tirade of expletives that would make a sailor blush, lol. Every stage (and now every day) brings new challenges. Hugs to you.

mommyandme (m&m)

My mother has always been a very kind compassionate person who I know loves(d) me. 

Even so, she has gotten angry and told me she hates me, blames me, is suspicious etc… 

Some of that has disappeared now that we’re in stage seven.  Still I can tell which mother I’m gonna work with when I see her expression before I get her up in the morning, at least for those immediate moments.  

Dementia patients rely a lot on facial expression and body language, especially when verbal  comprehension is gone, which it is in my mom, for the most part.  I do my best to put on a happy face, happy voice and positive body language. Sometimes I can’t stand my own corn ball approach. She’s often scanning my person for clues.  Long story short… it helps.  If she resorts to the blame game, my fault or not, I apologize in a way that she believes is sincere, that helps too. Please, thank you’s and apologies go a long way in our journey.  

I guess I’m saying that maybe if you approach her tirades with the opposite reaction she might be looking for, she will be disarmed, at least for those immediate moments.  

I’m so sorry for your pain! This is so hard no matter what!  You are not alone. 

Jo C.

Hello Denise and a very warm welcome to you.   Your parents have been blessed in having such a wonderfully caring daughter.  You have received some very good and wise responses from other Members; this problem is a common one.

Many times, our Loved Ones (LOs) lash out at the one who is closest to them and doing the most for them; this also happened to me.  No matter that I knew that dementia was the cause of the horrible behavior, it still hurt.   Sometimes it even made me irritated as I tried so hard to do everything I could for her; but mostly it just hurt.

You may have hit on something in that your mother has gone back in time in some instances and at times perhaps thinks you are her much disliked sister. I do understand that this berating you is painful.  I don't think this stems from disliking you as a child.   If you look back in time, even if your mother was not demonstrative, she probably did things that showed she cared.

This phase will eventually pass.  It is of no use to try and explain or argue or have it make sense. By this point in the disease, logic, reasoning and judgment are highly compromised and are of no help.  In fact, trying to explain or argue often makes things even worse

Like m&m, if I was being blamed for all sorts of things such as stealing her purse, or stealing her bedspread, or eating all the food she wanted, etc, etc, or something she imagined from the past, I simply did what is advised - instead of addressing her words which only makes things worse, I instead validated the feelings behind the words and apologized.  "I am so sorry I did that and made you angry, I was cleaning and accidentally moved your purse; I will not do that again; I am sorry."  Whatever.  Then immediately re-focused her attention by quick change of subject, or, by giving her a sweet, or by my excusing myself to "use the bathroom." 

As I often say; there is no perfection in all of this, only the best we can do under the circumstances with the challenges at hand, and that is a lot.  Know that you are a treasure for your mother and if she did not have dementia, she would surely tell you how much she appreciates your care.

Please do visit often; we are all here in support of one another and that now includes you too!  Sending warm thoughts your way from one daughter to another,

J.

Denise55uk

Thank you for your kind reply, it really has helped. 

When mum mentions her dad or mum I say they are either at home or working, she once remembered her self her dad was dead and it upset her. On the whole I agree with everything, try to keep calm. I try to be smiley, but even that’s the wrong thing I get told off for smiling  

Again thank you your words have helped, so glad I joined this group, the reassurance is priceless.  

Denise55uk

Thank you again for all your replies, being new to this site I thought I could reply to each comment but I can’t. 

I am so pleased I joined, it has helped me so much with just one post. All we can do is support our loved ones going through this terrible  disease as hard as it is. Once again thank you xx

Jo C.

You are so welcome Denise; no need to thank each person individually; usually one Post will do it for everyone unless there is a need for another discussion point.

Hang in there; thought it takes time, this longest phase of disease will indeed eventually pass.

J.