MC LTC is it giving up

ChrisVoorhis

I am going to look at several LTC facilities this week. I see no other options. Interestingly the more i learn about MC the more i hear/see my DW will probably actually do better there than at home due to the routine. Recently my daughter, her husband and their cute dog stayed here three days. My DW loves them and especially their dog, ours died 6 months ago. Even so she was thoroughly confused every afternoon at like 1-2. Wondering is this our home or theres? Hard for her to go to bed and waking up early because she feels something is off. Someone else is got things in my house. Do we live here? Why are they here?

Interestingly our daughter comes  here every week but my DW rarely recognizes her as such. She knows her but not as daughter. Change that just a little bit and everything goes awry. At first i was feeling very guilty about finding her a home even tho i have been taking care of her for 11 years as an ALS patient. I am exhausted and need the help, but now it seems that it will actually be better for her also. I hope this will allow me to have the peace i need,  as we have been best friends, lovers, husband and wife for 50 + years now. We have never been apart and all our trips were together. It has been a long hall tho because we lost our son at 13 in 1986, and our grandson in 2008, my wife's favorite. Since the loss of our son in 1986 my DW has been an emotional wreck off and on and needed my support for all those years, then she got Alzheimers 11 years ago. Needless to say i am tired but want the best for the person i love so much and to have peace and not guilt for myself. Thank you for listening. Chris 

SusanB-dil

Hi Chris - Sounds like it is time for placement - for both of you.  Sorry for your losses. It is hard to see our LO not knowing family.  You have, and are, doing great caring for her, even with placement.

LicketyGlitz

It's hard helping someone to the end of their life. It's even harder in dementia. When you have to make a different decision than the one you envisioned for your dementia person, it's a situation rife for unearned guilt. You will still be her caregiver, advocating for her, taking the extra care of her that the LTC staff can't provide, you've just assessed all the pros and cons, weighed the options, and have decided on a new strategy to benefit all. And if it doesn't, well, then you will assess all the pros and cons, weigh the options, and find a different approach at that time. Because you are your wife's caregiver - let that devotion smash that guilt in the face.

Chris, I have no doubt you have been, and are now, doing the best you can and will continue to do so. And that's amazing.

GothicGremlin

Hi Chris -

I'm so sorry that you're at this stage and having to make this very difficult decision.

Offering up my own experiences with memory care ... 

I placed my younger sister this last October, and even though I knew it was the right decision (for her and for me) I had a lot of guilt over it.  As Lickety says "unearned guilt", but it was there nonetheless. And for Peggy, there was a meltdown and tears, and worst of all, her feelings that she had been bad and was being punished for it.  I don't even have words for how that felt.

But after about a month things began to turn around. Peggy realized memory care wasn't the hellscape she imagined it to be, and she even told me she wished she had moved there sooner (!!!!!). 

Peggy has noticeably declined since October, but that's to be expected. Otherwise, she looks really good and her disposition is good. The staff there take great care of her - her hair is clean, she has on appropriate clothing, and her personal care is good. 

There are a lot of activities for residents - this last Friday they made pizza. Peggy's lactose intolerant so no cheese for her, but staff gave her other pizza toppings to choose from. Peggy's other favorite activity is karaoke, and they do that once a week or so.

So for me and Peggy, memory care has worked out (so far, knock wood).  I still manage everything and problem solve, but I don't do the day to day stuff.  And I get to focus on being her sister, which is good.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that while none of this is perfect, and not what I have ever wished for her, and given what life has thrown our way, it's not been bad.  

Jo C.

Dearest Chris, you are a loving, caring husband and a man of principle.  You appear to have reached a point at which placement would be the best choice for both of you.   Chris; you will not be abandoning your beloved wife, you will be doing something very kind for her.

She will have care on the 24 hour continuum.  You will no longer be overwhelmed, overstressed and exhausted.  You will once again be able to be her loving husband without the stressors you are now working against and can be her care advocate with help from a whole team of care aides while recouping and maintaining your own health.

There are two spouses right now on the Spousal Forum who are in the process of placement; Ed is going to be looking at facilities this week, and M1 has just placed as have  several other spouses. They have all begun to become far overstressed and no longer able to provide the level of care that is necessary.   You may find reading their Posts interesting.

This is the hardest thing to do; it is a matter of the heart.  Please know that your health is very important, if you are able to stay healthy you can continue to be there for your dear wife.

It is important to know that there need be no guilt in this, Chris; there are always regrets, but not guilt -  you have gone the distance and thensome.

Please do let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.

Jo C.

Chris; wondering what city and state you are near.  I noticed your surname.  Reason is that there is a care facility, both NH and MC in SoCal that is owned by several Dutch churches and they are rated very high by all measures and great input from families.

J.

May flowers

We struggled with the idea of placing my FIL in MC but he did very well there - better than we expected. The routine was good and he made friends - a few guys he ate meals with and a lady he walked with everyday. We had issues after a turnover of staff, flooded facility (resulting a a move to a not great facility) and other unusual circumstances, but overall, we do not regret that choice. It was what he and we needed at that time. (He is home with us now, on hospice, after a fall and surgery)

Lindsay22

Oh Chris, we should all be so lucky to have a spouse as devoted as you. What a journey marriage is and how well you have supported your wife down the long and difficult road. You will see her through to the end but you must also take care of yourself.  You know it's time to find her more care and I pray for both of you to have peace.

ChrisVoorhis

Dear Jo C. 

I live in orange county calif. In the newport/costa mesa area. Thank you for your suggestions