Assisted Living(5)

FLKatrina

Hello,

I’ve been considering moving my mother into assisted living for a while now. She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in 2019 and has lived with me and my husband for the past 2.5 years. I feel guilty for wanting to move her there because I don’t think she has reached the point where her condition warrants the need. She has no other health conditions and is only 58. While her condition is evident when holding conversations with her, she does not require any assistance with activities of daily living such as bathing or eating. She is quite active and we have hired a caregiver that takes her for walks, to the beach and out to lunch 4 days per week. The problem is I am not happy. I feel so selfish for even thinking it. We’ve never had any serious issues, but my mother and I weren’t exceptionally close when I was younger, and because of that I moved out at 18. Her presence kind of feels like a dark cloud over my head, and it has nothing to do with her condition. She can be rude when speaking about others and often quite negative. She’s been that way decades before her diagnosis and her condition has only caused it to worsen. Occasionally, I take her to stay with her mom and I feel such relief to get a break. Unfortunately, her mom is a 3 hour drive away, one-way, so I don’t often get those breaks. I am also an only child and she does not have a significant other. I don’t think that my mom would be better taken care of at assisted living and I know she does not want to go. But I also know my borderline resentful feelings toward her are coming through and I think our relationship would be better if we weren’t together all the time. My reasons for wanting to move her seem purely selfish and I have such guilt for it. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What did you do? 

Malka

Hi.

If she is amenable, you should do it while she is aware. She might be happy to have the socialization. Moving your parent when they are not cognitively well is very hard on all of you.

IMHO

Quilting brings calm

There are lots of reasons to move someone to assisted living. 

Layout of home is unsuitable.  Location of home is unsuitable.  

Person is home for periods without supervision.  Person wanders from home 

Person needs more care than caregiver CAN or IS WILLING to provide 

Caregiver is stressed, depressed, anxious. Caregivers marriage is suffering 

Caregiver is unable to give care for various reasons. Caregiver thinks person will be better off in a group setting 

You are not alone in being unable to provide 24/7 care because of stress and  a history with her.  The sooner you move her, the easier it will be for her to settle in and make friends. The longer she will be able to stay before she needs more care.  The assisted living facility will have an assessment done and will let you know if she would be a good fit 

My parents are in assisted living. They are able to dress themselves, shower themselves, eat, toilet.  They are not able to do housecleaning, cooking, paying bills or medication management. Mom sometimes will do her personal laundry, but the center usually does towels and bedding and would do her personal laundry if desired.  My step dad has various physical ailments, but does not use a walker or cane when he can avoid it, my mom has at least MCI, probably  mild dementia,  anxiety and depression. She uses a walker unless someone lets her get by with using a cane,  she has no major physical ailments other than a bad back.  Maybe that helps you? 

There are activities, outings, coffee time, puzzles,  informal card and board games.  There is a 21 seat movie theatre ( showing DVDs).  There is an LPN weekdays to help coordinate medical needs. There is staff 24/7 for any need- including making the tv work because the remote did something  wonky.  An independent living facility  usually does not have staff evening and weekends unless they serve meals. 

terei

When my mother’s husband died (they were in AL together) there was never any question that my mom would be in AL and then on to MC.  

Mom would never have wanted me to put my life on hold to care for her in my home.  We had frank discussions about this long before she became impaired.

Some people are fine with being full time caretakers + some cannot navigate a way to have LOs be in a facility for many reasons.  In our case, it was understood in our family that mom would not have in home care + had the funds to cover her expenses.

Don’t feel bad that you cannot cope with your mom’s care 24/7.   Do your best to see that she is safe + has care + live your life.   I have no regrets about how my mom lived the last years of her life.   My family gave her lots of attention + love, but we knew in home care would not work well for any of us.   

LucyStone

Hello. The decision is difficult indeed. My mother is in an assisted living home with other who suffer from Alzheimer's. It was the best decision for us. She is well cared for, is stimulated on a level that benefits her, has proper meals provided, and medication administered. Please don't think of yourself as being selfish! Rather be proud of yourself for loving her so much you want the very best care for her! Good Luck!

Fairyland

I just moved my mom to AL, and I won’t lie, it is rough emotionally. I second guess everything, and am still sorting out so many things to run her life, at the expense of mine and my marriage.  I don’t have a bad history with her either. I just can’t put my own life on hold any longer, and my own mental health is suffering. And I don’t feel I am providing that much, that the facility can’t do just as well if not better. The money is worth it for me to not lose my own job, working very remotely for over a year has taken a toll on my career, just as I got my kids off my hands!

It’s not ideal but the best of the options available to me at this time.

I still feel a little resentful towards her, her and dad’s parents simply died without this long sad pre-death goodbye. I am making better arrangements so this doesn’t happen in turn to my kids. I want them to enjoy their lives, not worry to death about me! And the parents have lumbered me with an extraordinary amount of physical clutter to clear, which again, they never had to deal with for their own parents at all, and I won’t leave such a mess for my kids.

Edited to add, I also thought better now than later when she may have progressed too much to adapt (she has vascular dementia so is on a plateau atm but may have downturns).

FTDCaregiver

Hi FLKatrina,

Is your mom qualified for Medicaid/Medicare?  Reason I'm asking is my wife is in her late 50s and enrolled in our local PACE program (Medicare funded).  Recently I've begun shopping around for local assisted living centers (for eventual placement) but, for me, to lessen the strain of sudden permanent placement, I'm opting now to use respite care (also Medicare funded), to both give me a break from caring 24/7 and "test the waters" so-to-speak on hopefully transitioning her to permanent placement down-the-road with an assisted living center who will have past experience in working with her.  Our local PACE program has been wonderful and an ally in our corner to help with this, including providing in-home care, allowing me to get out for short trips for groceries, ect. and coordinating both in-home care and respite stays, they also handle all Medicare billings, so I'm not encumbered with any costs.  A blessing. Typed below to the link for more information on the PACE program, unfortunately, this text box won't make it a link.  Finally, don't feel guilty, a lot of us are in the boat with ya, its hard, but there is help out there for you....Good luck!   

   https://www.medicare.gov/your-medicare-costs/get-help-paying-costs/costs