MC has me scared

ChrisVoorhis

I  am going to look at several LTC facilities this week. I see no other options. Interestingly the more i learn about MC the more i hear/see my DW will probably actually do better there than at home due to the routine. Recently my daughter, her husband and their cute dog stayed here three days. My DW loves them and especially their dog, ours died 6 months ago. Even so she was thoroughly confused every afternoon at like 1-2. Wondering is this our home or theres? Hard for her to go to bed and waking up early because she feels something is off. Someone else is got things in my house. Do we live here? Why are they here?

Interestingly our daughter comes  here every week but my DW rarely recognizes her as such. She knows her but not as daughter. Change that just a little bit and everything goes awry. At first i was feeling very guilty about finding her a home even tho i have been taking care of her for 11 years as an ALS patient. I am exhausted and need the help, but now it seems that it will actually be better for her also. I hope this will allow me to have the peace i need,  as we have been best friends, lovers, husband and wife for 50 + years now. We have never been apart and all our trips were together. It has been a long hall tho because we lost our son at 13 in 1986, and our grandson in 2008, my wife's favorite. Since the loss of our son in 1986 my DW has been an emotional wreck off and on and needed my support for all those years, then she got Alzheimers 11 years ago. Needless to say i am tired but want the best for the person i love so much and to have peace and not guilt for myself. Thank you for listening. Chris 

Ed1937

Chris, I could have written so much of what you wrote. We also lost a son and a grandson. My wife went through years of counseling with a psychiatrist when our son died, and that was lifesaving for her. My wife also asks who owns this house, at times. But she does know everybody. I am also getting ready to place her, but now making sure all our I's are dotted, and T's crossed first. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is very hard.

Ernie123

Chris

I can share my experience with you and maybe help you make this most difficult of decisions. My DW has been living in a memory care facility for two and a half years. The last year she was at home with me I was pretty strung out by stress, guilt and confusion about what to do. Eventually the decision to move was prompted by her developing delusions and paranoia. She sometimes didn’t recognize me and tried to force me from the house as an intruder. Because she was becoming violent and very upset it was clear I couldn’t manage on my own anymore.

Once the move was made she responded well to her new environment. She lives in the moment and having a small group of residents with her has helped her, along with appropriate medications. The routines and tone of the facility is good for her, much better than just the two of us alone at home. I am sure before the move she could sense my stress which upset her and so it went.

Another consideration is her condition is just going to deteriorate. Her care needs will likely exceed your ability sooner than later. It is better to make a move that is planned with you in charge rather than waiting for a crisis to force one. Moving sooner is better for her too when she still has the cognitive ability to become familiar with a new environment and learn to recognize it and feel safe.

Learning to live alone will be a challenge for you but making the transition will be best for you both. Good luck.