I'm new here - struggling with my mom's changes

KNW76

Hello.  I just found this today and I'm so excited!  My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 2 years ago.  At the time, you could tell something was off, but she was fine for the most part.  Now 2  years later, her personality has completely changed and she is struggling with most of the day to day tasks.

She is still at home at this point, because my sisters and I are are doing everything we can do to keep her there as long as possible.  When she goes anywhere outside of her home, she is confused about where she is or who anyone is.  

Something I'm having issues with is the fact that every time I see her, which is about every other day, she has on the same clothes.  I'm not sure if she is washing her clothes or taking a shower.  The last time I brought up the fact of changing clothes, she yelled at me and got very angry.  

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this subject with her?

MN Chickadee

Welcome KNW76. Is your mother living alone right now? Often when a person with dementia (PWD) gets to the point of not bathing or doing their ADLs then other things are happening too that makes living alone a bad idea and unsafe. So many ways to find trouble like mis-using medications even over the counter, all aspects of the kitchen, eating spoiled food, forgetting if they ate and eating too much or too little, not knowing what to do in an emergency. Sometimes there is much more going on there you don't see if you don't stay 24/7 for a while. You likely need to do your research on next steps, whether that is 24/7 care in her home or an eventual move to a memory care facility. Feel free to keep asking questions here, there is a wealth of information.

When a PWD stops bathing they usually require assistance with it moving forward so you or a family member or hired aide will probably need to be intimately involved. This is a common issue with dementia. In their mind they think they just bathed, or the steps involved in getting the water right, which prodcuts to use are just too much. It is important to learn good communication techniques. Modesty, relationship boundaries being crossed, sensory inputs are at play. My mother actually responded much better to help from hired aides than family with bathing but hopefully you can get to a point of assisting yourself.  Each person may require a different approach.  If she was the type of lady who used to get her hair done at the salon, perhaps you'll find she will let you shampoo the hair in the sink. Some find bribing works (lets get washed up and then I have some special ice cream for you etc) or saying let's get washed up before we go to church or the restaurant. A certain time of day may be better. If you fail now try again later.  Let her wear a swim suit, t-shirt, or drape towels and let them get wet, since modesty can be a issue.  Keeping a calm soothing tone. She will pick up anxiety and frustration by you so you have to just be even and go with the flow. Be prepared with everything you need ahead of time, making sure you are the uncomfortable one (you should be hot, not her being cold.) Call it a spa day, we're going to spoil ourselves. A girls day in, maybe you bought some special spa stuff. Once you get a few showers under your belt it may become more routine for her. As for washing clothes, you may need to just work behind the scenes and use therapeutic fibs. Whisk the clothes away after a shower. Say you would love to see her in this pink blouse today, it will be great for such and such outing. Remove dirty clothes out of sight to be put in wash. You will find that trying to reason with her or present evidence of the truth won't work, the brain is too compromised to process it. We usually ahve to use fibs and find workarounds. 

There are some good resources out there to help you find techniques that may help. Here are a few:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl3Dc1kERto

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/daily-care/bathing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKT9YIVPREE

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome.

It might make sense for you or one of your sibs to create a ruse in which you stay with her 24/7 to get a sense of how she's functioning at home. Your could create a fiblet about having something done at home and needing to sleep elsewhere so she doesn't feel as if she's being spied upon. This would allow you to collect data to determine if she is managing her hygiene and doing the sort of IADLs needed to live independently- is she preparing meals, is the food in the fridge and pantry not spoiled, does she manage the stove safely, is the house clean, are bills paid, etc.

Generally, but the time a PWD is no longer managing hygiene they've progressed to a point where they aren't safe living alone. Despite your wishes and considerable efforts, it may be time to make another plan.

HB

May flowers

Welcome (abut sorry for the reason you’re here!)

I second what others have said - the clothes is just what you are seeing. There may be many behaviors you are not seeing. We had my FIL with us 3 days a week and still missed the many warning signs of his living alone the other 4 days a week. Like others have mentioned, spoiled food, leaving the oven on, not eating, dropping his pill box and putting everything in the wrong slots (we caught it, otherwise he would have overdosed), using gasoline to clean his counters, wandering in the neighborhood at night (told to us by neighbors). Leaving food out and eating it days later. We thought he was showering each day even the days living with us but found out he was just turning on the water and changing his clothes.

Lots of things we missed, even when he was with us. So, I agree that it’s probably time for the next steps. 

Arrowhead

This is very common. If left on her own, my wife would never bathe or change her clothes. She even sleeps in what she wore during the day. I won't advise you because I don't think that I have anything to add to the advice of the others. Just know this, no matter what problems you run into, there are people on this site that have already dealt with it and who are willing to share their experiences.

VKB

The clothes issue may be just one more sign.  It finally dawns on most of us that our loved ones maybe cannot be left alone due to confusion and memory loss.  It is a bitter pill to swallow, but one we take because we do not want to see them hurt or lost.  I prayed for your mother, you and your siblings.  Gentle hugs.

Rescue mom

A strong ditto to what others said  about bathing. Minnchickadee had good pointers. And  if she has bath issues, and Dx was a couple years ago, and all else mentioned, I’m sorry but there’s probably more…can you, or do you, keep an eye on her finances? 

People with Alzheimer’s often lose the ability to deal with bills pretty early. , PLus be easy prey for scams. Many here gave away far more than they could afford. You will need that money for care, probably sooner than later.

Spend some time going through these forums, my DH has Alzheimer’s and there’s far more practical, useful information here than anywhere I’ve found. Local support groups are also really helpful about local resources.

Gemgirl1

If she is wearing the same clothes, she is probably not bathing. You will have to find what works for you, and adjust it frequently depending on the day. I use the spa day routine; us girls need showers today. The I always feel better after a shower, awe you are so pretty. It doesn't always work, but does more times than not. Sometimes the process is overwhelming for her, and she needs reminders that I will help her. Some days nothing works, and you have to let it slide a day or two.

KNW76

Thank you to all of the responses.  It brings tears to my eyes to have people willing to help, and also, that there are so many that have had to suffer with this, on both sides.

These are all a really great help!