When parent with ALZ becomes abusive

Gigi S

Hello! This is my first post but it is going to be a heavy one.

I am an only child. Father passed before I was born. My mother’s relationship with me has never been solid. I underwent a lot of abuse through her growing up and had to be hospitalized mentally twice due to her. My mother and I’s age gap is of 43 years. As of 2015 I noticed her decline in cognition but it was not until 2020 where she received the diagnosis of early onset alzheimer’s. I have been forced into the spot of being a caregiver though I cannot handle it. Not only due to the caregiver stress of it but also with being able to detach from how much pain my mom gave me throughout the times when I needed her to be taking care of me. As of late she has begun once again with abusive remarks and hitting me. I am a mother myself now, my daughter is four, and my mother is getting to the stage of not being able to live alone. I cannot take care of her any longer, and I will not have her move in with me.

What are options that you guys know of for her? Currently trying to get accepted for assisted living but as she is becoming more combative/abusive I am wondering if there are any avenues to take if I cannot wait any longer. My maternal grandmother passed away on Friday which is the only reason my mom has not moved out of her house yet. It’s been a stressful few years to say the least.

loveskitties

Physical abuse is NEVER ok...even when the abuser has cognitive impairment.

When that occurs you can call 911, telling them of her mental issues and declaring she is a danger to you and by extension your child.  They would then arrive and most likely get EMS to take her to ER for evaluation.

You can then work thru the system with the case worker to find placement for her which is not in your home or under your care.

terei

You are right in not allowing her to abuse you.  Contact your state and/or county dept  on Aging or Human services + ask them who to contact to get help for a senior who needs help.  You can probably get someone to visit and assess her.   Make it clear that you are not going to be involve d in her care.

And yes, if she attacks you call EMS + if she is out of control try to get her taken to an ER + then onto a geriatric psych ward for assessment + treatment.     Make it clear at all steps of this that you WILL NOT be responsible for her care.    Don’t sign anything with any entity.  She may have to be handled by a guardian who is working for the state.

jfkoc

In addition to the above I would contact her neurologist asap for a consult on current meds.

Jo C.

Hello Gigi and a very warm welcome to you.   I am sorry for what is happening; it is a very challenging situation.

It is true, the combativeness and physical attacks are not acceptable.  It may be that you can work through her doctor to have her admitted to a Geriatric Psych Unit at one of the local med centers.  GeriPsych would assess her on a 24 hour continuum, adjust meds as required and then monitor her response to them.  If she begins to attack you and is out of control, you can contact 911 for her being a danger and physically attacking.  If she gets to an ER, speak to the doctor and see if they will arrange for her to be assessed by GeriPsych to be transferred there from the ER dept.

If in GeriPsych or any other care admission, or even from the community, make it very clear from the first that you are NOT taking her to your house and you are NOT going to be her caregiver.   Do not let anyone talk you into that if you do not wish to do so.

Your mother does not sound like a candidate for Assisted Living due to her behaviors.  No care facility will keep someone who attacks and is a danger to other residents and staff.  First thing is to get the behaviors addressed and that may be best through using GeriPsych.  If not, then you will need her dementia specialist to prescribe medications that will assist her.

She may be a candidate for Memory Care once her behavior is addressed.  Most Memory Care settings are private pay only.   Sometimes there may be one or so that will take Medicaid, but usually they are private pay.  There are also group residential homes that specialize in dementia clients, but the behavior would have to be managed before they could accept her for admission. Residential group homes usually have five or six residents in a regular house and care is provided by aides in a home-like setting.   Some of these homes are private pay and some of them accept Medicaid.

I would suggest contacting the Alzheimer's Assn. 24 Hour Helpline at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.  There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.  They are good listeners, very supportive, have good information and can often assist us with our problem solving.

You have no obligation for your mother; if she is in a setting where she is safe and secure and receiving care, that may be the best way for her needs to be managed and you would need to do no more than seeing that she is in such a setting.   Your well being and that of your sweet four year old daughter are the most important dynamics.

If your mother is causing you distress and if you have a counselor, it may be good to talk about the situation to relieve some of the stress.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; we will be thinking of you,

 
 J.

Mlewis501

In the later stages of Alzheimer's, my mom became very combative, often trying to hit or push my father down.  On one particular hard day for her, she came at me and threatened to hurt me and then herself.... I called 911.  The ambulance people told me there was nothing the hospital could do, but I was insistant on them taking her in.... In the emergency room, it was decided to send her to a geriatric unit for a further evaluation.  We decided with the doctor's advice, to have her leave that unit and go straight into memory care.  It is a rough, tough, hard decision.  Sending good thoughts your way!