Surprising deluge

DrinaJGB

I know there are those dealing with much more heartbreaking issues right now, and I hope this does not in any way offend anyone by possibly sounding shallow.It certainly is not my intention to diminish what you all are going through with your loved ones and your profound losses over the years.(Currently I am on year #12 in my caregiver role so I do know what you are going through).

 SO yesterday evening my daughter sent me a message telling me that they just had to put their beloved dog down.The dog really was my granddaughter's and he was a big old bear with a kind heart and a goofy grin. Everyone loved him including me.I have always thought of him as some kind of benevolent being. They got him after their very old Boston Terrier passed away---who had been with my granddaughter since birth.So they got her a Boxer whom they have had for a few years now.

I cannot explain what happened next except to say that I completely and totally lost it. I fell on the bed and bawled and bawled until I thought I would become sick and then I bawled some more. I kept looking at the picture of my granddaughter hugging her beloved companion for the very last time at the vet office and I simply could not stop crying. The pain on her beautiful sad face said it all.

 It was as if a flood gate had finally opened up (I have not really cried in over a dozen years about anything since my husband became brain injured. After the initial trauma of seeing him hooked up to life support in a coma and not knowing if I would ever see his eyes open again have I really had a good and desperate cry). I have tried to stand strong and at times have propped myself up when it was nearly impossible to do so.

This surprising reaction I suppose was a long time coming. It was as if the gods had finally given me permission to let the dam break that I have been so determined over these many years to hold back..It become too much when I saw the heartbreaking look on her little face as she held him for the very last time.

  I want so badly to take away her pain but that is not possible. I want her not to have to hurt. I cannot do that. I feel utterly helpless and heartbroken. I hope I am not careening over the edge into the abyss. It all seems to be just a bit too much to handle.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I can say that this morning after the initial shock of waking up and realizing it was true and feeling that pang of sorrow---that I do seem to feel a big boulder has been lifted off my shoulders.

  I guess the deluge was therapeutic in a way. All these years of sickness and loss and holding back the feelings of so much relentless devastation---all it took was the loss of that big beautiful creature with the crooked smile and heart of gold who has been my granddaughter's loving protector and constant and loyal friend-- to release me of some of the pain of life and what it throws at you

 . I think a lot of this is the fact that I hurt so much knowing my granddaughter is having to learn the harsh and excrutiating lessons of loss and profound grief. Every time I think about that I cry all over again.

dj

Kevcoy

No Drina, I can totally relate.  Letting it all out can actually make you feel better when it's over.  I lost my dad 22 years ago when he was only 67 years old from cancer.  Ten months later my mom died from complications from heart surgery at 68 years old.  Sometimes when I was alone I would sit on the floor in my kitchen and lean against the wall and just sob and cry loudly.  I started referring to it as my wailing wall.  I would let it all out until there. was nothing left and yes I did feel better.

OrganizerBecky

Drina - I'm so sorry for your granddaughter's loss of her beloved dog. I think you are correct that 12 years' worth of pain finally spilled over with your grief for your granddaughter. 

I'm waiting on my tipping point - I didn't really cry at the loss of either of my parents nor so far with the journey with my husband. I guess I'm afraid of losing control and always being the "strong one." 

Thanks for sharing.

Crushed

Lots of hugs 

you never know what will do it  .

 

 
 

  

 

jmlarue

I absolutely understand the inconsolable grief. I feel so sorry for you. Most of us would do anything...anything to spare our children or grand-children from experiencing a catastrophic loss. One thing that you can hold onto through this sad time is that children are incredibly resilient and often handle grief better than many adults. More importantly, this experience will instill in your grand-daughter an ability to be empathetic and compassionate toward other people experiencing loss. It's a tough life lesson, but it can bear good fruit in affirming the values of love, faith, hope, and charity for all creatures great and small.

Ed1937

Drina, I'm sorry. It's not always bad to allow your feelings to come out. Every human ever born has had bad things happen. We actually need the bad things to happen so when good things happen, we appreciate them. You've been on this road an incredibly long time, and it finally came out. I think that needs to happen. I hope your day gets much better since letting your feelings flow.

Buggsroo

Drina,

I get why you cried and let out twelve years of grief. I have cried and cried over my husband having accidents on a freshly cleaned floor. I am crying over poo, I am crying for all I have lost in these past years, the loss of my best friend, his amazing sense of humour, I am crying for me, the travel plans etc. I imagine seeing your beloved granddaughter hugging her dog was a safe outlet for your grief and your love for that wonderful dog. 

I don’t think what you wrote was shallow whatsoever. To me it says you have been holding things together for a long long time. Eventually, the dam breaks. I am sorry about the dog. I am really close to me cats, they mean the world to me. Honestly, if I didn’t have them, I’d be a basket case. Virtual hugs to you.

ImMaggieMae

Drina, I am so sorry for the heartbreak of your granddaughter, her big old dog with the goofy grin, her family, and the continuing heartbreak of caring for your beloved DH for the past 12 years. I understand completely and wish I could hug you. Sometimes life is beyond overwhelming.

Cherjer

Drina, your story is heartbreaking and the tears you have shed, it seems, is the loss your grand-daughter is going through and how you as her dear grandmother can protect her from the harsh realities of life. Plus you loved that big dog! You have gone through so much all these years and perhaps that beautiful dog knew you needed to shed those pent up tears. My heart goes out to you and your family...our pets are part of our family. Thank you for sharing.

DrinaJGB

Thank you all for your kind thoughts, words and support. I do not know what I would do without this forum. You are all warriors and angels. We are all on this road together and that in turn makes us stronger indeed--however flawed which makes us even more endearing to the universe.

Feeling utterly useless through this latest blow of unexpected sorrow I have bought my granddaughter a little frame to place a picture of mighty Jax that says:

  "Thanks for everything. I had a wonderful time." I also ordered a book for kids on losing a pet from the perspective of the dog entitled "Dear Brave Friend".

It's not much but I had to do something.

This latest chapter keeps bringing to mind the line in a song by Neil Young "This much sadness is too much sorrow. It's impossible to make it today." That is exactly how I have felt.

  Carry on-- as my feisty little German and Native American grandmother used to say.

dj

Joydean

Hi Drina, I completely get it! Last week my granddaughter got her braces off and she sent me a picture of her self and was being silly. I started laughing and just could not stop. I laughed so hard I was crying, my DH asked what was wrong with me and I just held my phone up so he could see her picture. I know my laughing was hysterical but I just couldn’t stop! And yes I did feel better afterwards. So I understand. 

Sometimes our emotions take over and whatever comes out is a good cleansing! 

Thanks for sharing! 

Pam BH

Drina, I totally get it. I could count on one hand the number of times I've cried since diagnosis and even then I couldn't let the dam burst and DH know it.  Strangely, it's usually our dogs that have started the tears and then all the other feelings come in too. You never know when it's going to come, but when it does it's such a shock but ultimately a relief. You have been a warrior for so long that something had to give and I hope you're feeling revived.

Ed1937

DrinaJGB wrote:

 I have bought my granddaughter a little frame to place a picture of mighty Jax that says:

  "Thanks for everything. I had a wonderful time." I also ordered a book for kids on losing a pet from the perspective of the dog entitled "Dear Brave Friend".

It's not much but I had to do something.

Don't think that is not much. It's huge! It even got me a little emotional. Especially the line that says "Thanks for everything. I had a wonderful time."