Memory Care Placement

ChrisVoorhis

I am in the process of placing my DW in a memory care facility. It is a very difficult thing for me as we have been married for 50 years and always together. Having said that i am seeing another side to memory care places. After visiting three in my area and noting the people there that are in her stage, they seem much more content and happy than the constant confusion at home. I of course was not there for a long time but there routine and bond among their peers seems pleasant and peaceful. I almost feel like i have denied my DW this kind of environment because it would have been unkind to her, when it seems they are much happier in this environment as it affords them companionship on their level. They don't feel stupid or under pressure to perform like everyone else. It now appears that i am the one thats going to suffer and will have the loss and not her! Crazy as that may seem, I am almost at peace seeing how she will likely blossom and not doubt get slightly better w/o the pressures and changing routines of home care. We will see but i am hoping this is so. Of course everyone may not be able to afford this level of MC but for those who can it might be a blessing for our mates with ALs.

Chris

Ed1937

Chris, what you have going through your mind is something I also have. I'm borderline on placing her. I don't want to, but I'm going to try to make it out of this alive. Best of luck to you.

Gig Harbor

Chris I agree with you. My husband has had a good week so now I am doubting myself but I know the good days won’t last. In our area I will pay about 7000 to 8000 a month for a really nice facility. I fill his med box every week. At the end of the week I think to myself that we saved $2000 by keeping him at home and so far I am happy he is home. As soon as the time comes when I feel that that would be money well spent I will know it is time. I have thought that he will enjoy the companionship, attention and activities as much of the time he is bored at home. It is such a hard decision for those of us who will be left at home.

Jo C.

Dear Chris; you are a loving husband who has good insight.  To gift your wife the possibility of such an easier more pleasant life is truly a very, very kind thing even though you know it is breaking your heart.

You will though, still be her dear husband and will continue to be her carer and advocate. When you visit, you will be that loving husband without the overwhelming stress and loss of sleep. 

And of course to remember . . . if later, you do not feel it was a good idea to make the move, you can have her return home again; perhaps with a care aide to assist.  Yet; I think that it may well be that your decision to place will be the option that works.

You are such a dear man, let us know how it is going and how you are doing, we certainly will be thinking of you.

J.

Jeff86

Chris, excellent point, and one I think about a lot.  There is such a focus among us spouse/partner caregivers on keeping our LO at home as long as possible, providing the primary caregiver.  But in many cases the socialization, the routine, the daily activities, and the professional caregiving in a good MCF may amount to a better quality of life

I do think about that, and wonder sometimes if that is the better option.

Gig Harbor

I remember visiting my husband’s sister after she was diagnosed. The first time she was still at home in a small house. She couldn’t go out alone and she loved to walk. She was always trying to get out. The next year she had been placed in a large facility run by the state. It was not fancy but had long hallways. We saw her before she saw us so we just watched her. She was walking down the hall singing wearing a St. Patrick’s Day hat. She was talking to the staff as they went by and she was sticking her head into rooms saying hi to whoever was in there. She was happy! Much better than at home where she was like a caged animal. She didn’t realize that she was walking down the same hallways but she was moving and that was important to her. She died in 2021 as a result of Covid ( she recovered from the infection but then had a pulmonary embolus).

billS

Chris, I went through the same agonizing decision three months ago and my wife's experience was just what you are thinking. She is surrounded by activities, residents and attentive staff. When I visit she seems always content and is quick to smile. I make a point of learning the names of staff and other residents, and always ask the staff how she is doing, whether there is anything I need to bring, etc. I feel like the more often I show up and engage, the more attentive the staff will be to my wife. Meantime I am finally getting great sleep, my blood pressure and stress levels are way down, and I can keep up with chores and get lots of exercise. There is no doubt that my wife and I are both better off now.

Riz

My DH, who was diagnosed 4 yrs ago with EO Alzheimers at 58 yrs of age, has had a lot of aggressive behavior. After 4 years, I just recently put him in a MC facility. He only seemed to get angry at me.  I am the wife he wants to control and direct all his frustration/blame at.  If he is feeling really insecure, he is very sensitive to what I say or even just my gestures.  He has even gone off at times because he misunderstood what I was saying.  He never wanted me to go anywhere even if he had other family members watching him.  He has damaged car window shields with large rocks and other objects, even while I was in the car. He has thrown objects in my direction but not directly at me.  When he eventually started pushing me, that was the last straw.  I was tired of being afraid and hiding from him when he lost control of his anger. His final stint in the ER, they couldn't find a room in a psych ward because of covid so I opted to put him in a Memory Care that could handle his behaviors. It was 2 hours from where we lived so I sold our home and moved closer to be by him. 

Now, however, he does not like his Memory Care and wants me to get him out. I was his trigger but now I am his savior.  He has been overmedicated, bored, lonely, and at times afraid.  It's heart wrenching. There is so much guilt in all of this. He doesn't deserve this.  I feel like I have abandon him. I wish he could be able to be at home with his family.  However, I am afraid the same things will happen again and will put me back into a very mentally & physically stressful situation. My in-laws think that he will get "better" and want me to bring him home. The MC doctor has lowered his meds significantly and seems to be more with it.  Culturally his family is apposed to putting their LO's  in a facility.  So with more added guilt, I am struggling.  They think they know everything but did not have to take care of him 24/7.  I am sure they blame me to some extent for ending up where he is.  Anyone have a similar  situation with aggression or problems with in-laws to shed some light or word's of wisdom?  Thanks!

Ed1937

Riz, welcome to the forum. We have a very helpful bunch here who will offer support and caring.

Re: the in-laws. Do not worry a bit about what they say or think. Worrying about it will not be helpful to you or your husband. And whatever you do or don't do will not change their minds, so just get them out of your mind. You make the decisions, not them.

Gig Harbor

Riz you know that you did everything you could to keep your husband home. Yes he did not deserve this disease but you also don’t deserve to be the spouse of someone with dementia so you are even. His family have no clue what you have gone thru or how difficult it was to keep your husband home. Just ignore them. If they think he should be home they could try to care for him but they won’t offer to do that. When all this is over do you think you will stay in close contact with them? I am guessing not so don’t worry about this damaging your relationship with them. If you brought him home all his old behaviors would likely surface only they would be worse. You could try not visiting as often if it seems like your visits trigger his determination to go home. Good luck.

Marie58

Riz, you did your best with DH at home, but you were in danger. In my opinion you should not even consider bringing him home. You said he was placed recently. He may still be adjusting to his new setting, as well as mediation adjustments. If you are a trigger, perhaps you should consider visiting less often. If you want to know how he's doing in the meantime, you can call and talk to a staff member who works with him. Blessings to you and DH.

Stuck in the middle

I think I would not bring a violent person into my home.  He could kill you, intentionally or not, by throwing rocks and other things.

If the in laws want him out of memory care, they would be welcome to take him into their homes.

Sligo177

Chris,

What a difficult time for you - but you are absolutely doing the best you can for your DW, and please keep us posted on how everything is going.  I agree with the others who responded, it is such a hard decision.  I know we will be in the same predicament maybe sooner than I would have thought.  And as was said, you can always take her back home.  Wishing you peace.  You're doing a great job. 

Memphisdee

My husband was placed in memory assisted living. It took 4 weeks and titrations meds but he’s now adjusting and mellowing.  He’s not into activities so we walk outside now that it’s warm and sometimes I can get him to play cornhole. He’s also helping clean up after meals. I took a 2 day trip and they all said he was fine. He did say yesterday I’m not meant to do this. Its making me wonder if he could come home. Then I remember the craziness when he didn’t take his meds for 5 days and was up late into the night.  Plus he still has obsessions over his pills, clothes and tidiness!  Hang in there.  78 yr old women shouldn’t have to take care of dementia or Alz loved one. Although kudos to those that are doing it.