Update and uninvited houseguests

Kevcoy

Update.  I found our tax papers and got them turned in to our preparer in time for and extension.  

Refrigerator still out.  LG has blackballed us from any tech work and won't come to our house any more because DH cursed out the tech out so badly for not fixing the frig immediately. Found a local appliance repair who will be here Tuesday when I'm here.

Found out yesterday that DH had invited his 87 year old aunt and his mentally challenged cousin to come visit us from Juarez, Mexico.  I didn't think anything much about it because he has said this a number of times.  Then come to find that they have booked and purchased bus tickets to arrive this Tuesday at 1:00pm.  I'm working full time and we only have one vehicle and don't get off work until 2:30.  At that point I have to race home to meet the appliance repair man and don't have time to go to the bus depot.

This will be the first visit since way before Covid and DH's condition has diminished tremendously.  Even their past their visits have been very stressful for me as neither of them speak English and my Spanish is poor at best.  Plus the aunt is hard of hearing and it's nearly impossible to understand what his cousin is saying.  As I said earlier I'm working full time, I have to do all the grocery shopping and prepare the meals.  I usually go to bed between 7:30 - 8:00 because I get up at 4:30 so I can leave for work at 6:30.  Then we have to throw the MIL factor in place.  In the past when they visited the MIL threw in her sense of entitlement and came by every night for dinner as well.  It has been over 10 weeks since I kicked her out of my house and don't want her showing up causing a huge stink, which I know she will.  I can't have her back in my house, just the thought of that sends my heart racing.

I think the thing I'm most upset about is  not one word was said to me about this until it was thrown in my lap.  Life is a challenge with just the two of us.  I'm so depressed.

  

jmlarue

Yikes! You need a theater script...quickly. Something along the lines of: "I'm so glad you are here. I desperately need help taking care of  DH. I will really appreciate the extra hands with cooking, cleaning, and keeping him safe and entertained while I'm at work. I've been wanting to get a little break to get away on my own for a little while - a little shopping or visit a friend. Now that you're here, I can do that knowing that you will be here and he won't be alone." If you can get your point across that you have work for them to do, maybe they'll cut the visit short.

jfkoc

Yikes from me too!

How long are they staying? 

Crockpot, soup, sandwiches, Stauffers frozen entrees, McDonald's? Surely they can make a salad. 

If the MIL comes leave for a business meeting or have a very bad headache. Let them enjoy chatting in Spanish sans you!

Please do report back Tuesday evening just so we know you are breathing.

Quilting brings calm

Invite them to your MIL’s house.  Offer to drop them and your spouse at your MIL’s house on your way to work.  Or invite them to dinner at your MIL’s nightly and beg off for  yourself ( chores, errands, work, etc). It would be worth the effort of taking a crockpot dinner over there.      Tell them you will be back to get them at x time.  Definitely communicate to them your MIL’s  phone number for the day they get to the bus depot.    Because yes, you need  to be home for the repairman. 

Seriously though, I doubt they will be back after this visit.  I can’t imagine his aunt is up to make the trip even this time and they will figure out that visiting  with your DH and MIL is challenging.  

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Marie58

I agree with Victoria. You don't need this right now. Covid fiblet might be the way to go.

Rescue mom

Kev, since you are not the person who made the invitation, I think you will probably need to do a lot of extra “work” (wink nudge) and other things that require you to be away. 

The covid thing sounds like a great idea. They may not “believe” in covid, but it’s a very reasonable thing to say or use.

You do still need to be there for the repairman. But otherwise? Uninvited guests simply cannot expect the “host” to be at their beck and call, regardless of any PWD. If it suits and you’re glad to see them, that’s one thing. But this sounds different. 

They may find pretty quickly that being around a PWD very long is not what they expected. If they want to spend most time with MIL, then good, but you do not have to be there.

Buggsroo

No one expected the Spanish Inquisition! (Monty Python here)

I would tell them when phoning them that a positive Covid test means visiting is out. Or if they still insist on coming then the MIL’s house is where they will have to stay; Mi casa e su casa. 

You don’t need this period, especially all the aggro you have gotten from the MIL. It’s ok to state your boundaries in a firm tone. If they had any manners they would have called to see if they could come and whether it would be convenient. Good luck.

jmlarue

That was a nice giggle, Bugs. You're a hoot. I like the Covid fiblet, too. Wish I had thought of that.

Pat6177

Does the aunt have any idea that your DH has dementia? Is there any way that you can get a Spanish speaker to translate for you on a phone call to the aunt to explain that DH is ill and that the trip needs to be canceled? Or is she more like MIL? In which case, I’d go with the positive Covid test. I hate to say this but since your luck has been so bad lately, is there any chance that the aunt is looking for someone to care for the mentally challenged cousin? Given the aunt’s age, I’d be wondering if there’s an ulterior motive for the trip. Just another reason to somehow cancel the trip!

Jo C.

EEEEK!!  Theme music from the shower scene in the Hitchcock film, "Psycho," with the screeching violins! 

You do not have to choose to be a victim.  Frankly, I would have absolutely no compunction at finding someone to translate a call to completely cancel the trip even at this late date .  What reason?  Doesn't matter - choose one or make one up; COVID sounds plausible. Perhaps they can get a refund on their bus tickets. Also, they are coming from a country that has had poor control over the COVID situation and also, they are on a public bus packed with people who may also be exposing the other passengers; I would think you do not want this in your house.  It is not only a personal crisis, it could be a health crisis.  Remind yourself of that if you need to be brave in cancelling the visit.

If that does not work, then one can absent oneself from the house including meals - with translator making excuses or no excuses - it is a choice. Find places to go out of the house.   If multiple suitcases indicate a lengthy visit, then you will have to stand up tall and set boundaries and let them know that an extended visit is not acceptable; three days only - they will need to change the bus tickets.  MIL?  Put the visitors on her map and at her house as much as possible as discussed.  If cannot be done, then MIL can be told not to visit as you have made clear to her in the past.

To repeat, you do not have to be a victim; you can be brave and set the boundaries and limits. If you decide to permit the visit, then as for food, Jfkoc's ideas are all good ones. No need to be responsible for any of this whatsoever except for what you feel is acceptable.

They can do none of this without your cooperation; it is all your decision.  Hard for a kind person to take such a stance, but there are at times extraordinary circumstances that make it necessary.

Let us know how it goes and how you are,

J.

Kevcoy

Thank you all for the good suggestions.  It is really hard to translate because the aunt is very hard of hearing and has to go through the cousin who messes everything up.  I think I caught Covid from all the suggestions.  I started coughing last night but my allergies do that to me as well.  Then, our only vehicle decided to drop a lot of liquid out and is making a terrible screeching  noise so I dropped it at my mechanics yesterday and am waiting to hear from him.  A nice neighbor drove me to work.  Vehicle, refrigerator, aunt, cousin, MIL and DH.  Geez no more please.

I did see a bumper sticker that made me laugh. God gives us only what we can handle.  Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-a**.

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Joydean

Have you thought about if they are carrier’s, you or your DH will have to be confined and you will not be able to go to work! You will be stuck at your house with all of them!  Sorry just a thought! Sure hope you stop the madness before it is sitting on your doorstep.  As Jo said you don’t have to be a victim! You are right, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, that includes common sense to get ourselves out of certain messes.  Good thoughts for you! You can do what needs to be done!