Other residents

WorkWithWhatYaGot

I'm looking for input or pointers to threads discussing how your LO notices other residents and is sometimes distressed by them.

My mom is just starting her 4th week in MC, a "for now" stay, and she is noticing that the other residents behave oddly.  The 2 ladies who wander at night seems to scare her. The lady removing her clothes at meal time upsets her.   

The lady who can walk around the whole unit really bothers her - she can't understand how the woman can be here and then suddenly over there!  (That lady can walk rather quickly!)

She says "I'm not sure that I belong here." However, unlike the first 2 weeks, she is not saying "I hate this place and want to go home."   My main concern is she seems to be wanting to cocoon in her room.  

She seems aware of her own inability to remember if or what she ate, and to have trouble finding words. But she is not aware of her confusion about the month or the physical location of things.  

She did have a bit of a bounce since moving to MC. She is a bit more active and alert, but very unsteady on her feet and can not use her cell phone. I'm not sure she can even answer it anymore. For now, a simple picture phone is working for her.  

I'm saying things like:

Everybody has their own problems, and everybody's doing their best....

but all suggestions welcomed! 

harshedbuzz

WWWYG-

We moved dad into MC under the pretext that it was a fancy rehab ordered by his new doctor to help him get steadier on his feet. This made it easier to nod and remind him not everyone was as on the ball as he is in their 80s. Flattery worked well with dad.

HB

RobinNicole

Hi WWWYG,

Great questions!  I find I learn so much from reading about topics that have not affected (or yet affected) my mom, but its so helpful when I see something I noticed, but failed to ask about.  My mom has been in her place a few weeks longer than your LO, but she definitely noticed the others around her.  She noticed the non mobile folks, the non communicative folks, etc. and would say there were so many “old” people and to “kill her if she got like that” (which was more being drama queen than actual threat).  I would complement her and encourage her to stay active and participate as its good for her brain and heart and how lucky she was that she could do these things.  And then pivot away to activities or a treat etc.  But in the last couple of weeks she no longer comments at all about others in terms of age, mobility, decline etc.  she says “hi” to everyone and apparently tries to talk to them all -and accepts when people don’t communicate back.  I think for her - its because this is her new normal  and she has settled into some sort of routine.  

She too bounced back up in a few ways- is definitely more active (even though she took care of her house before), She thrives in the group activities and now seeks out “her table” for meals.  but also regressed in turning on the tv (never had issue before the facility) and dialing the phone -she now asks for others to dial for her when she wants to call- which she does much less Than intiially.  The interesting thing we have recently found is she wants to help others - she purposely goes over to those further along and talks, or puts her hand on their shoulder - and even kisses some on the head.  Maybe that is her new purpose in “this place”.   She no longer asks to go home, but she does ask about the house (which is under construction) once in a while.   And I stick to the party line - it takes time - especially these days.  I like your line of everybody has their own problems- and I purposely tell my mom about the problems we have at home, or that I feel old too and have aches- and then we laugh and joke getting older is no fun!  But then focus on how lucky we are to have each other and this wonderful place that is safe, and clean and so many nice people.  Wishing you and your LO well and hoping thing continue to settle into a calm and peaceful routine

WorkWithWhatYaGot

I tried the flattery.  It seemed to work pretty well.  Thank you, I wouldn't have thought of it. 

Another thing that does seem to bother her a bit more is someone is banging on her door in the evening.  I said they are confused about the doors; your door has a butterfly on it. They'll figure it out. 

She does seem to be noticing when other residents are feeling poorly or getting better. So perhaps this is a good sign. I'll keep an eye on it ; I'm cautiously optimistic. 

May flowers

For my FIL, he was a little disturbed by one guy that started yelling in the middle of a conversation. He eventually settled in and made friends who he would seek out even though he didn’t know their names. I used the same flattery tactic that he is in better shape than some, but also told him there were others like him. He eventually found a lady at the same stage, also a walker like him, and they walked around the facility together all the time.

SEM_BOS

My mom's in a very similar spot.   The angry lady is mean to her, and one lady yells for no obvious reason.  I've used lines similar to 'everyone has their own problems', which seems to help, but it's one more rough part of the experience for us.

GothicGremlin

"The Ladies" - how often we talk about them.  It's always The Ladies (residents and staff). The way my sister Peggy talks about them, you'd think they're an evil cabal out to wreck havoc in her life in any way they can.

They steal her stuff

They empty out her room ("I have nothing," says Peggy). "Not even a bed?" I ask.  Well, yes, there is a bed, Peggy concedes.

They're mean to her

They eat her chocolate

They change the channel on her TV so she can't watch The Walking Dead

Of course none of these things are true. I'm there all the time. Her room is really nice, and filled with her stuff, including chocolate. I think she thinks her room is empty when a subset of Ladies (who are staff) do the laundry. The TV thing might be true. I think most people in memory care would be upset by zombies. Personally I'd been kind of hoping to be done with The Walking Dead franchise (she hadn't mentioned any of the shows in a few months), but Fear The Walking Dead is back now.  sigh

My tactic is to validate her, and like others in this thread, to tell her that she's more on the ball than some of the others. It's true, she is more on the ball than some of the others, but "on the ball" is all relative. She wouldn't be able to function outside of memory care at all.

Oddly, Peggy isn't upset by residents yelling or doing any of the things that memory care residents do. She doesn't like people walking into her room, but I wouldn't like that either. So I just validate. That's what works best for her - being heard.