Plan for if something happens to me?

Berryette

I am wondering if anyone has made written arrangements in case something should happen to them ( the spouse/caregiver)?  I cant talk with my DH about it.  He can no longer think things thru and would not remember the conversation anyway.  I want to know that he will be taken care of if I were gone.  But isnt that a very difficult thing to ask a child to do?  Give up their life, move in and take care of their father with dementia.  Finances concern me as well.  I want to know the money would be used for his care.  I may not be saying any of this well!!  But I would truly appreciate any advice you all might have.  For my peace of mind- I just have to know that he can go on living here in our home as long as possible.  That he will be taken care of and safe.  Thank you.

toolbeltexpert

Berryette I have the same issue. I have no children, my dw sister lives a 1000 miles away. I know what I should have done by now is visit a cela. Certified Elder law attorney. I had one drawn up a dpoa years ago. That means I can do all the financial stuff from banking to selling the farm. I made my dw sister the second in command if something happened to me. That doesn't mean she will be wise with her sisters assets. I do worry cause her sister hasn't shown her ability to manage her own finances well.

Crushed

I now have 4 trustworthy qualified people to succeed me and a legal structure that would operate.  It is a great relief. 

Stuck in the middle

DW and I went to a law firm that specializes in elder law and set up financial powers of attorney.  Since we have no family who can be relied upon, my POA is a trust company.  I have her POA, with the trust company as successor POA if I am unable to manage her affairs.  If you have competent and trustworthy children, one of them can be your POA rather than a trust company.  

I agree that you should not ask your children to give up their lives to care for you and/or your husband.  However, a CELA can help you give them the authority to use your money to pay for care for him (and you if need be) in an institutional setting.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  Good luck.

ElCy

We do not have children and my only family lives 3000 miles away. When my CELA created my will, he set up a Special Needs Trust for my husband’s care. All money goes to that first.

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Old89

I have the same situation (no responsible relatives) and have followed the recommended steps.  In addition, I named a Health Care Power of Attorney who is a social worker in a Fiduciary company.  My wife cannot make decisions for me so the HCPOA is for me and back up to me for my wife.  Rather than just appoint her, I have stayed in regular contact with status updates, my current thinking for care arrangements if I cannot care for my wife and even getting to know our in home caregivers.  This way if there is a call in the middle of the night she will know who we are, what our current status is, and what my preferences for my wife's care are.  

Ed1937

Berryette, welcome to the forum. You found a good place to get information and support.

One of our daughters has POA for both my wife and I. I also have POA for my wife. If I were to die or become unable to handle my wife's affairs, our daughter will handle things, and I'm sure she will do an excellent job. She would not be able to be my wife's primary caregiver because of her own limitations, but she will be able to make any decisions necessary.

JJ401

I do worry. We have POAs. My kids are in charge for me. I am in charge for him with his youngest daughter as my successor. The problem is that we don’t see her often and when we did he showtimed well. 

Last fall I decided youngest daughter had to know what is happening to her dad so I arranged to meet her — just she and I. I laid it all out for her — the diagnosis, the prognosis, what I see that would need to be done if I were not here, the help my kids have said they would be willing to give. She seemed to be receptive to what was said. I made a folder with all pertinent info (doctors, meds, account info, passwords) and have told her where it is.

But, since then he has seen her for about 15 minutes when we dropped off Christmas presents for the grands and she called him on Easter. (It was a short conversation as he has difficulty talking on the phone.)

So I worry. But, I know I’ve done all I can. 

sunshine5

Ed, my daughter lives in England. She is one of the beneficiaries of my Ira, my other daughter who lives in USA  has a mental illness. I recently  took my husband off as beneficiary on my Ira. I have POA for husband. He has no IRA account.

I didn’t think what happens if something happens to me. His daughters are not in touch with me, never have been!

How do I appoint my daughter in England as my POA?

sandwichone123

Taken care of and safe is certainly a reasonable goal. But I'm gonna say that without you there, "out home" would not be familiar to him and it wouldn't be a realistic goal to try to have someone else keep him there. He would be much happier in memory care.

Berryette

Thank you all for your advice.  Two nights ago as we were falling asleep- my DH said that nothing can happen to me because he couldnt do this on his own.  So yesterday- I tried asking him how he would want things to be if I died.  His reply was that he would keep living here and hire someone to come in and care for the cats.  As if he could do everything else and would be fine.  He used to know he was forgetting things- now he thinks he's fine.  Lives in his memory of when he did do so many things around the house.  Not the reality that he sleeps most of the time.  I will seek out an attorney who specialized in the elderly and begin asking questions.  And I will be praying for all of you and your loved ones.