Short-Tempered Caregiver

Leslie R.

I've been reading through these posts and I see a lot talking about the PWD getting angry, but I didn't see anyone talking about situations in which the caregiver is short-tempered and yelling at the PWD.  

My mother's primary caregiver is her husband who is not physically abusive to her, but is very short-tempered (always has been) and her issues with dementia are not helping.  I've tried to talk to him about being more patient with Mom because it just upsets her and makes her more anxious when he yells at her, but she continues to call me in tears worried that he's going to get mad about something she's forgotten or "done wrong".  

When I am there with them, he's always on his "best behavior", as she puts it, but when I leave she says he's going to "blow up" about one thing or another.  She's afraid to address it with him because he'll "get mad and start yelling" and she can't deal with that.

Has anyone else experienced this ... or do you have any suggestions about what we can do to address it?  I don't want to make things worse for her by getting in the middle of it, but at the same time I can't bear to watch my mom being tortured like this.  

ButterflyWings

Hi Leslie, 

Welcome to the circle no one wants to need. I am going to sleep on this and will plan to get back to you in the next day or so with more suggestions and ideally some links to explore. Others will come along in a few hours as well. Was just headed to bed myself, but saw your post.

Actually, on the Spouse Caregiver's forum we have had more than one thread recently about people reaching the end of their rope(s) with our PWD LOs and discussing just how hard it is not to lose composure and tempers in the face of such stress and, even noting that a few things have been thrown (not at our LOs) by folks who are normally patient and intentionally calm + reassuring day in and day out. But the occasional, unfortunate out-loud aggravation and anger in response to constantly changing and challenging behaviors is definitely discussed - from people who want to do no harm yet have acknowledged how hard it is to take the high road every minute of every day, as the disease takes its toll and our PWD LOs' behaviors escalate while their capacity declines. 

Sad and scary that your mom's primary caregiver may be unaware or unconcerned about his own behavior which yes, sounds troublesome and triggering. Especially for someone whose brain is failing. Whew! I had a run-in with a bully myself recently and it has taken a lot to process and think through how to respond to ensure his inappropriate behavior is nipped in the bud. As a PWD, your mom surely does need support to navigate this. We will be sending good thoughts and energy to you and your dear mom. Not everyone is cut out to be a good caregiver for sure, and there is no shame in that. What to do now, is the question. 

You are right to be concerned, because your DM is defenseless and will become moreso as her condition progresses. No one deserves to be emotionally and verbally abused...or worse. Dementia only goes one way and if he is "impatient" and curt or unkind now, it is best to find alternative care options somehow in my opinion.  Bless you for thinking ahead and reaching out for input. There are many, many experts here - trained in real time due to personal experiences of all kinds in the dementia caregiving trenches.

In the meantime, you can call the 24/7 free Alzheimer's Association helpline at 1-800-272-3900 to speak with highly skilled care counselors (dementia experts) with lots of training and info on resources to see what recommendations they might be able to provide.  I have found them very helpful.

harshedbuzz

Leslie-

Ugh. This is a tough one. 

On one hand, the ability to read emotion is intact well into the disease process. If her behavior has him feeling bereft, isolated, exasperated or just exhausted she will likely sense that. Often tone of voice and facial expression can be read long after words makes sense. On the other, PWD can be really lousy reporters. My dad told me mom did all manner of things to him. He once said "She's so lazy and mean to me. She makes herself food and then sleeps all day but won't get up and clean or cook for me". Later that night I got a call from their local hospital-- she'd been admitted the day before in liver failure. She'd been barely conscious and the color of a school bus when a neighbor brought her in which he failed to mention.

As his dementia progressed, she struggled mightily with the changes in her life partner- there was precious little left that reminded her of the fastidiously groomed handsome snappy dresser much less the intelligent charismatic life of the party she's signed up for. Not only that, but his apathy meant that she couldn't share any of the loss with the person she was closest to. She also struggled with his constant suspicions and accusations, isolation since his behavior cut them off socially and the loss of their "golden years" together. When one person in a couple has dementia-- they both live with it.

That said, if DH isn't a nurturing personality by nature and doesn't have the desire or ability to change, perhaps you need to step in. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. No one is cut out to be a 24/7/365 wall-to-wall caregiver. 

Sometimes the best thing you can do to ensure the wellbeing of a PWD is to throw yourself into supporting the caregiver. Maybe he just needs some support and respite. Maybe he needs someone else to take over the day-to-day caregiving and go back to being her husband. For my mom, a planned break from caregiving she could plan on was huge. Many people use a day program for this or bring in a companion aide a few times a week. In other families, one of the siblings takes the PWD out of the house weekly for a hair appointment, shopping and lunch while another might drop off ready-to-heat meals or mow the lawn to give the caregiver a break from be responsible for everything in the household. 

When my mom was finding her way as a caregiver, she wasn't perfect. There were a few times she snapped at dad. As he progressed and she understood dementia better, she grew as a caregiver. She joined a IRL support group-- they told her all the same things I did but when her peers spoke, she listened. I got her to a psychiatrist and therapist to give her a safe place to share her feelings and a team that had her back first and foremost. They shared a lot of docs in common and they always put what's best for dad ahead of what was doable for mom. 

This helped, too.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

It's a quick and free read. I sent mom some excellent books she never cracked open. This she read and re-read as needed.

HB

Pmatt

I agree with everything above!  Being a caregiver day in and day out takes its toll. My Dad was the primary caregiver for my mom for years. When he would get impatient, which, lets face it, will happen, I would talk to him about it. I also would tell him to call me when he was frustrated and he could talk it out.  I lost my patience once and yelled at my mom because she would say she took a bath every night which she used to do but then she stopped doing that. I went over to help out and she gave me such an argument about taking a bath that I yelled in return doing exactly as I told my father not to do. It sounds like your mom is in the early stages and I agree with the above post saying it only gets worse it doesn’t get better so if he is losing patience now it may escalate as she declines. Maybe have a long heart-to-heart with him and if that doesn’t work try and get some help  in the home to deal with it. I am not sure if maybe he would listen to another family member of yours. May be coming from someone different in addition to you may help.

Quilting brings calm

How old are your parents?  How long have they been married?  What was their marriage like before dementia?   Does her husband have physical ailments?  Could he have some cognitive decline too?  Do they live at home or in an assisted living facility?  The answers are all relevant 

My mom and stepdad will have been married 58 years in June- having known each other less than 3 months on their wedding day. He was 24, she was 26.   They each had been married before and each had  3 children 5 and under.  He drank way too much for the next 20 years.  Their  marriage has always been problematic.   He’s always been stubborn, and short tempered. She had anxiety and depression issues.  Arguing was a favorite activity  for them even after he quit drinking.  

The addition of Mom’s dementia means that she is often confused, tearful, anxious and depressed about the slightest things.  When he treats her the same way he always has, she now gets upset, cries and calls me for reassurance.  It’s hard to tell if he’s saying anything different than ever, or if she just can’t emotionally deal with it now.  Even when they aren’t arguing,  she cries about everything under the sun.  Medication has helped somewhat.  They are in assisted living, so staff is there 24/7.  So I  have the reassurance that if something did happen, staff  will immediately be there to help her.  However - the comment I get most from the nurse and  admin staff is that ‘ your parents are so sweet’.  

A major blow up came up last fall, and her doctor called in home health for her.  They recommended that I split them up.  I can’t do that.  They don’t have the money for two separate apartments. Nor can I take care of them at two separate  places.  I am the only one that shows up out of the six kids.   Plus she is so codependent on him that she goes in the lobby and watches for him to return whenever he runs errands.   He was in the hospital a couple times last year and she was a mess 24/7 while he was gone. 

I tell you all this because you need to determine if his behavior has changed or if she can’t deal with his normal behavior.  You can get the doctor involved to get either or both medications.  You can try to split them up if they can afford it.  You can try to get her in a day care program to get her time away from him.  You can try to get him educated on dementia ( my step dad can’t read or use a laptop or smart phone  and is in denial). But you can’t change their marriage dynamic if it’s their normal marriage dynamic.  

This sounds harsh - I’m sorry - it’s been a rough week in this area for me and their marriage is getting on my last nerve. 

Ed1937

Leslie. I'm sorry your mother is going through this (if she really is). I don't typically post on this forum, but just happened to drop by today. I'm usually on the spouse and partner forum.

Caregiving is hard. I recently lost it with my wife, and I threw a glass of water from the dining room into the kitchen, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. We've been married 64 years, and I've never hit her in my life. It can be harder than hard at times, and if her husband is verbally abusing her constantly (which seems to be the case), he needs to be educated in caregiving, or someone else needs to be doing the job. She should not have to deal with that. As hard as it is to be a caregiver, it just might be harder for the PWD, even with optimal caregiving. Please read the link HB gave you. If her husband is willing to read it, that would be great too.

It's not clear, but it sounds as if her husband is not your father. If he is as bad as she tells you, that could be a form of elder abuse, and if he is not willing to learn to be a better caregiver, you might consider if it's bad enough to call adult protection services. This should be used as a last resort. But be careful because you don't want to stir a pot that is already boiling over. Adult protection services are not known to take immediate action, and that could leave her in a worse position than she is now. I agree that a call to the helpline BW mentioned is an excellent idea. They have heard about many different problems, and can probably give you some good pointers. 

BTW, if you didn't know it, you can post on any forums you like. Some people ask for help on two different forums, and there's nothing wrong with that.

AGLchl

I am the primary caregiver to my wife who is somewhere in the middle stages. She's able to do most activities herself but I'm overbearing and feel the unnecessary need to supervise many of her daily activities. I verbally abuse her (yelling at her to stop, swearing, etc.) when she's doing something especially messy and should stop quickly before things get more messy or when it's the middle of the night and she's not fully awake and makes a mess. I see her crying and I know it's my fault but she thinks it's her fault because I've been convincing through my words and actions - this is nothing new but now she cant stand up for herself so there's no restraint in our interactions. She's sorry for something that isn't her fault even without Alzheimers. I'm in the wrong and need to stop - how can I help her not feel guilty and how can I stop the irrational behavior I'm exhibiting. Not sure online is the answer for either of us.

ronda b

You need to see a councilor to help you work through this. Maybe have some help come in a few hours. This is not good for either of you.

ronda b

Plus this is an old feed. You should start a new one to get more info from people.

JeriLynn66

There are licensed and trained Care Counselors available on the Alz Hotline 24/7 on this website. Please give a call and ask to speak to them. Best wishes.