Is this self-pity on my part?

Scooterr

   I've been pondering on this all day on whether to post this or not, so here it goes. I know this is a little self pity on my part, but I just can not get it out of my head. Today is my birthday, my kids, grandkids, and even my buddies from my old job called me to tell me happy birthday. My DW heard the conversations with our family and my friends today, but no response from her. This is the first time she has never not told me happy birthday or acknowledged it in some form in over 40yrs. I know many of you go though this also, but it was my first.

   What I can't figure out is, what is bothering me more? Her not acknowledging my birthday or her disease getting worse, or both. Is this pathetic of me? I don't know, but somehow I feel it is.   I feel like crap for having these feelings and here my wife is virtually dying this slow death from this horrible disease. After all it's just another day in the life of a caregiver.

   I know tomorrow will be a new day with new problems.  I'm pretty sure I'll get over it, and it will be back to the usual business. I do know I still love her just as much today as I did yesterday, but this was just a hard blow.  

   

jfkoc

Sometimes the sadness from the loss slaps us in the face. 

Happy Birthday..........

toolbeltexpert

Scooterr wrote:

   I've been pondering on this all day on whether to post this or not, so here it goes. I know this is a little self pity on my part, but I just can not get it out of my head. Today is my birthday, my kids, grandkids, and even my buddies from my old job called me to tell me happy birthday. My DW heard the conversations with our family and my friends today, but no response from her. This is the first time she has never not told me happy birthday

Happy Birthday Scooterr

I get it Scooterr my bd was last month and if my dw didn't write it on the calendar every year she wouldn't have gotten it. It's both the loss and self pity,  because it is so much a part of who you both are, those details are important. Like you I had a little pity party last month. She told me hb every time she saw it on the calendar 5 or 6 times it was new every time. I hate each loss some are gonna be harder. I know the day is coming she's not gonna know me. I know it,unless she passes first. She said last week she is still getting used to her married name. I think it's important what we do with it. I didn't hear you lashing out at her you even said tomorrow is another day.  I am glad the other important parts of your life still remember this important day. Be blessed my friend.

Jeff86

Happy birthday fellow Taurean.  (Mine is tomorrow.)

Nothing pathetic about what you’ve said.  You are marking one of the losses on the AD journey.  Her not remembering your birthday IS her disease getting worse (progressing).

Every loss hurts.  For me, forgotten anniversaries are worse than forgotten birthdays.   That’s our marriage that’s been forgotten….

We are a good bit further down this road.   I don’t think DW knows what a birthday is, now. 

toolbeltexpert

Happy Birthday early Jeff

Ed1937

Scooterr and Jeff, Happy Birthday. Call the losses whatever you want. They all hurt. I don't think it's a pity party. It's mourning another loss.

Buggsroo

Scooter, it isn’t self pity, it’s grief. Christmas, Easter, my husband’s birthday, my birthday are just normal days now, unless my family doesn’t acknowledge it, it would be a year without specials, days I may have complained about, but now miss terribly.

Happy birthday, I hope you enjoyed it in spite of the sadness.

60 falcon

I could repeat what everyone else said. Happy birthday.

Joydean

Scooterr, it is not self pity. Others have said it. I do understand how you feel. Dec. was our 53 anniversary, February was my birthday, DH had no idea, our kids came out and made bd, nice. DH never did understand.  As you said tomorrow is a nother day. Happy birthday to you!

Jeff happy birthday early to you!

CStrope

A few years before diagnosis, my DH stopped making any effort for Mother's Day, and my birthday.  It was especially hurtful because I didn't know to blame it on Alzheimer's.  Now, my kids remind him to say Happy Birthday, or Happy Anniversary.  It still hurts.....

M1

Happy Birthday to both of you, Scooter and Jeff.  It's not self-pity.  This has to be a safe place for sharing sadness and loss.

Paris20

I agree that you are not exhibiting self-pity. It’s grief, which all of us are going through, while our LO is still alive. It’s a horrible experience so there’s no need to beat yourself up. Your birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) is just a trigger for reminding you of all that has been lost. The most seemingly trivial behavior of my husband can trigger deeply negative feelings in me. What DH did or said may not be earth shattering but it does feel like a kick in the gut sometimes.

Crushed

Happy birthday  

You're grieving a loss  

Our 47th wedding anniversary is this month .  The last anniversary where DW had the slightest idea who I was was our 43rd. 
Oh and self pity is a phrase used by Folks who are not suffering to denigrate, humiliate and embarrass those who are actually suffering . According to the  bible a crucified dying Jesus said

Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?

Those folks  would call that wallowing in self pity  

Ignore such people and thoughts  

the sign says it all

 
  

Scooterr

Thank you Guys for the input, clarification and the Birthday wishes. Some days are rougher than others and yesterday was one of them. Today is another and things are better the birds are singing and the sun is shinning. It good to have a place to unload your problems, you good folks sure help. Thanks again.      (Well Happy Birthday to you Jeff. Hope you have a GOOD DAY!)

abc123

Hey Guys! I hope you both were able to find some joy on your birthday! Thinking of you both today. 

We are human. We hurt when we suffer a loss. No shame in that. 

Pam BH

It's definitely not self pity. It's grief and sadness. Birthdays and anniversaries are times we naturally reflect on what has changed in the last year, and with dementia it's sobering.  Happy birthday, Scooter and Dave.

Marie58

I agree with all the above posts. Every loss is a pity, a horrific sadness we feel over the horrific events that we have no control over. It's a pity for us and for our LO with dementia. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other special days seem especially hard because of the memories they bring up with our LO. Happy Birthday!

Rescue mom

Not self-pity. Grief, sadness, anger….these special occasions are kind of a gut punch because they used to be “special” and celebrated happily together, and now they’re lost.  Also as said, some days are harder than others.

I finally stopped thinking “maybe he’ll remember THIS one,” which is more acceptance, maybe. But it still hurts, I try not to think about it.

The memoir “My Love” written by Amy Bloom, whose husband had early onset, had a few of these. There was a thread about the book….Anyway, I thought it would be a tear-jerker, and it’s not, at least not like I  expected. But it does talk about some of the gut-punch moments/incidents like this—that spouses so understand—that did bring tears to my eyes. So few others “see” those moments.

Jo C.

Agree with the others; definitely not self-pity; but grieving sweet times lost that are gone for always and feeling that very personal loss.

Happy Birthday to you two Taureans, Scooter and Jeff, from a Gemini.  I send you both warmest thoughts.

J.

RNS

I agree with everyone that what we feel is sadness and loneliness.  Happy Birthday to everyone that has not received a HB wish from their LO.  Also, Happy Valentines Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!!!  I gave my DH a beautifully decorated cupcake for Valentine's Day this year and wished him a HVD.  He just looked at me and smiled and proceeded to wolf the cupcake down.  It's ok.  He enjoyed the cupcake.  Some days my heart and soul hurt so badly.  I am invisible.

Jo C.

Despite not having memory; there was joy in the moment and that counts.

J.

Lynne D

My birthday was the 25th.

I opened the card I received fr9m my step-mother, and had A

Exa sing me happy birthday (three times; she has three versions). My HWD witnessed all of this, and me telling him it was my birthday. He never uttered the words Happy Birthday. He just doesn’t understand much these days.

I just went about my business and make my own happiness (as best I can). 

I guess I would say I am “over” that particular loss. 

toolbeltexpert

Lynne D Happy belated birthday

Scooterr

Ditto  to what toolbelt said. Happy Birthday Lynne

amicrazytoo

Not self-pity, it's a new realization. I'm sorry.

Bob in LW

This is just something that we have to accept and remember that it's not the person, it's the Alzheimers.  My SO has been talking about my birthday coming up for several weeks because it's on her calendar.  Now that it's just 3 days away, she hasn't said anything about it lately, so I will see what happens on Wednesday.  She may think that she has already given me a card or a gift. Whatever happens, I won't feel self-pity or blame her.  Will post the outcome on Wednesday.

ImMaggieMae

I pity every one of us and our LOs for all of the birthdays, holidays, vacations, meals in nice restaurants, and get togethers with friends that now avoid us. We didn’t deserve this and neither did they, but it is what it is and we do the best we can. Thank goodness we have this place here and each other.

Arrowhead

Even if it is self-pity, that's alright. There's nothing wrong with it. Just don't let it destroy you.

Bob in LW

Update- On Monday, we received a package from my SO's son and daughter-in-law which contained a birthday gift for me.  My SO said that she was surprised that they knew when my birthday is, because she doesn't.  Later in the day she was looking at her calendar where she lists upcoming events and recognized that my birthday was coming up.  She said that she can't go shopping for a birthday gift because she is not allowed to drive anymore.  Driving is still a big issue with her, although I am willing to drive her anywhere, anytime.  Then, she suggested that we go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday on Wednesday, and it will be her treat.

Now, it's Wednesday, my birthday, and she hasn't once wished me a happy birthday, even though she stopped to look at one of my birthday cards after she got up. If we do go out to dinner tonight, I will have to remind her of the occasion. I'm not resentful because I know that if she didn't have the short-term memory problems, she would want to celebrate it as we have done in years past.  She is otherwise quite functional as long as her memory is not involved.

Marie58

Happy birthday, Bob. If going out to dinner is something you and DW still enjoy, I hope you go!!