please tell me it gets better--wishful thinking?

Memphisdee

My husband has been in a month. I stayed the first week with him and it was so tough. I took a 2 day trip Monday and they said he did really well!  He’s helping after meals in dining room and they are working on him helping outside. Was raised on a farm and in fertilizer industry. It’s kinda bittersweet as they are telling me to come every other day.  I can use the time to work outside. Go away rain!  Thinking of you.

abc123

I think the time comes for all of us caregivers when everything is harder on us/harder for us than our loved ones. Yet we continue to worry about them and put them first. It's another reality that we have to accept whether we like it or not. Just one more thing that makes us hate this disease more and more with each passing day. 

My mother was a constant trigger to her mother after placement. It never changed. I could never understand it. It broke my heart to see my loving, kind grandmother lash out at her favorite person on earth. I hate this disease. My grandmother settled, she participated in activities, she ate well and she enjoyed visitors, any and all visitors except the daughter who had devoted her life to caring for her. 

M1, you are in my heart and in my prayers, every day. Both of you! I hope and pray that you will experience peace and contentment. Thank you for telling us what you have planted! I often try to picture the farm in my mind. How the fields are laid out, where the out buildings are and what they are used for. When I was a young woman, one of my dearest friends was in her late 70's! She lived on a farm. She had cows who often got out and I'd help her round them up and get them back in the pasture. Her farm produced bell peppers! I still remember the way the air smelled early in the morning as we walked the rows. I'd often spend the weekends with her. We'd stay up late and she'd tell me fabulous stories from when she was a young woman. She had a huge bull who loved to have his back scratched with a stick. Sweet memories. Hang tough my friend! 

M1

abc, one thing I hang onto now above all others:  the night before I took her to the hospital, we took a walk outside at sunset.  It was March 20.  I was trying to distract her--I'm not sure from what.  But it worked.  The first wildflowers were up, the frogs were singing down on the pond.  I knew what would happen--somewhat--the next day; she did not.  I was able to tell her and thank her that all of beauty surrounding us was shaped by her hand and eye, that it was a magnificent sanctuary because of her vision and hard work.  I am so glad I had that chance.  Little did I realize that it would likely be the last time.

We have always collected heart-shaped rocks, usually to put on our pets' graves when we bury them.  Today I found one with a hole in it.  That's the way my heart feels right now.

DrinaJGB

M1--Wow. A heart with a hole in it.Sums it all up without any words---perfectly.

toolbeltexpert

M1 that is a good memory, my dw has found rocks shaped like a heart. We also have a large pet cemetery and lastly a spring feed pond. But the heart with a hole is something no one wants. Prayers will continue for you and dw.

Ed1937

M1, I know exactly what that feels like. When we lost one of our sons, I literally felt like there was a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. I'm sorry. There is no other feeling like that. I'm hoping you can share some good news soon.

ButterflyWings

M1 - I am swimming upstream these days, as so many of us are, so have been reading as always, but without a lot of time to post. However, I am thinking of you and your dear partner during this time of adjustment for both of you. I wish we could shoulder some of the pain for you, yet we can only encourage you while assuring that your friends here truly understand. Seems like such an insignificant and not at all helpful thing. I am really happy to hear that she is finding her sea legs in the new environment, which is confirmation that you really did a courageous and kind thing for your DP at a critical time. Yet I also am feeling sad and sorry with you, that it not possible this week anyway, for you to help experience that change with her. It makes sense that if you and even friends are able to come and go from the MC but she cannot, it creates cognitive dissonance that her changing brain can't compute. I hate dementia.

It is beautiful that she sounds secure and comfortable in her own skin in this new place... and doesn't sound like she feels abandoned at all-- helping out and joining in some activities. Adapting, adjusting. That is a blessing. But so hard for we who can not accompany them full-time into their new world...either mentally or physically. I am learning daily that dementia really means it is inevitable that we go our separate ways. 

The inevitable separation is more evident with each passing day here, even though we are still under the same roof. The fact that I am the 24/7 caregiver is putting me in a precarious position health-wise and also in my last few viable wealth-building years. It was stressful while he was in short term MC for respite, and is stressful now that he is back at home. 

We are all between a rock and a hard place. I admire you for making the best of your choices sooner rather than later. Each of you seems to be truly in a wonderful setting, well-suited for each...it is just not the plan you had for these years, which was to spend them together. I know. Same. Speaking of rocks...I am envisioning the hole in your latest heart-shaped rock as a special adaptation to honor the closeness and beauty of the love you two share, and all that you have meant to each other. Not sure of the size...maybe it can hold a tiny bouquet of flowers grown on your land, or perhaps can be made into a pendant to wear close to your heart some day when it doesn't hurt so much. Praying with you.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/694609942497892297/

 

Jeff86

I am so sorry this is so hard on you, M1.  Totally understandable.   I imagine you will always remember that beautiful evening that gave you the opportunity to tell your partner how much you appreciate her.

Jo C.

M; what a beautiful relating of your telling your partner with love how beautifully she created your own private place to live; thank you for sharing that, it is very touching.

It seems she is settling in and getting involved in various ways where she is now.  That is a rather early settling and she sounds much more at peace.  It is especially good to know that she is engaging with others and not isolating; that is a huge step.   As her disease continues to evolve, that will be helpful to have in place.

You will be able to visit more before too long.  You are the memory for both of you now, and you know her better than anyone from your life history together.  

(Myself having severe losses and missing so much that used to be, one day I suddenly had an enlightenment.   I found that it is comforting for me to have all the memories created over the years; being very thankful for those times helps me to know that I did indeed have that life with so much in it, and that is what created the many sweet memories which I hold near and dear to my heart.  Thankfulness is a large part of me now and that is part of it.  Of course still miss the lost times, but I know that there are many who never have had such experiences and love, and I am deeply thankful and humbled to have been gifted with those memories.)

Your pain is still so raw, I am sorry.  There is no shame in seeking out a good therapist to be able to talk with; it could be something to bring a bit of peace into your life.  Many here have and are doing just that and feedback has been very positive regarding such reaching out.

May you soon begin to find solace and peace within your heart, and we are here to listen.

J.