When to visit MC

Daughter80

Hi,

This post is really about my own self and fear/anxiety about the future. My mom is at stage 6b and we are of course not sure when she will need to move into MC, but we are thinking we should have things somewhat planned as far as next steps so we are ready when needed. The thought of visiting a MC gives me anxiety. I’m afraid if I don’t go see it, the thought will continue to make me anxious and then I’m afraid that if I do go visit I will get more anxious at the thought of having to move my mom. Anyway, not sure if that makes any sense. Does anyone have advice as far as when to visit?  Sooner vs later? Wait until it is an absolute necessity?  Thanks in advance. 

Cyndisaunt

I am in a similar thought process myself. 

Since there is a long wait list in the area we live, I have made the phone calls and added our name to the list at 3 MCs that meet our criteria at this moment as if my LO would be going there within the next few months. 

I have only visited one in person and the other two have video tours until we are closer to the top of the wait list. All 3 have a 6 month or longer wait, primarily due to staffing shortages. 

I felt better after the first visit because although far from the in home care I currently provide I have an image in my mind of the smiling residents who were happy and seemed to be visiting comfortably. My LO is very lonely most days with just me as her only visitor. 

I wish you all the strength of heart and mind that this will take and please do reach out and share your experience with the visits. I feel comforted just knowing that I am not alone in doing my best to care for my LO and would love to hear more. 

take care,

Cyndi

Stuck in the middle

I think waiting until it's an absolute necessity will mean you will have to take the first place with a bed versus being able to choose.  You and your LO will be better served to visit some places now.  Some people have made cash deposits at their place of choice, are called whenever there is a vacancy, and decline each offer (while staying on the waiting list) until they are ready.

Stuck in the middle

The movies we called "creature features" when I was a boy were most scary when the monsters were lurking just out of view.  Knowing what is in store will, I think, lessen your anxiety.  So that is another reason to start looking.

The serenity prayer helps too.  Pray for the strength to change what you can, the patience to endure what you cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Daughter80

You guys are awesome. Seriously so comforting to know another person cares enough to give advice. I have two tours scheduled for next Friday. I was just contemplating cancelling, but I will go. And Stuck in the Middle…. You crack me up. And I think it was you that mentioned the serenity prayer a long time ago to me. I purchased a framed version and it hangs next to my bed now. Cyndi, I will definitely share how things go here. Thank you both!

harshedbuzz

Daughter-

If you don't have someone who can and will step into your shoes and take over with mom if you get hit by a bus, then you need to do asap. If your mom will be relying on Medicaid to pay all or part of the costs, you need to tour and get on lists asap. 

You might tour and discover the many MCFs can offer things on-site that even a dutiful daughter can't at home- positive engagement and socialization through dementia-informed activities, the security of a purpose-built residence, and well-trained/well-rested staff. When my mom toured for my dad, she was so impressed by the social options she ended up moving dad sooner than she'd planned because she thought he'd enjoy seeing people and some of the activities.

Or you might come away feeling it's not the right fit for your family/LO and decide to remodel part of the house, move and hire caregivers as her care needs increase. All of these things take time.

If you choose well, you may have a lot less dread about the future than you do now. 

HB

BassetHoundAnn

I would tour as many memory care facilities as you can ASP and get on the waiting lists for the good ones. With dementia you never know when your LO will take a sudden turn for the worse and need more care than you can provide. You don't want to find yourself in a care crisis with no options. 

The good MC facilities around here have waiting lists of 6 months to a year sometimes longer. And the applications simply to get on the waiting lists are as elaborate and time-consuming to fill out as college applications as they often require extensive financial info as well as medical info. 

Some of the best advice I was given when starting out on this journey with caring for my mom was to begin touring and evaluating facilities immediately, and to start powering through the application process. You want to be well-prepared when your LO's condition takes a bad turn. Since your mom is already in stage 6 that could come very suddenly. A year ago my mom was diagnosed as in stage 5. A few months later she was in stage 6 and no longer able to dress or care for herself. It was clear that she needed to be in memory care. One of my first picks for memory care had an opening for her, but ultimately their nurse-administrator decided she was too advanced for their facility. That left me scrambling to find her a room at another memory care. With this disease you want to line up as many good options as you can. Good luck. 

GothicGremlin

BassetHoundAnn's experience is much like what happened with my sister last summer. In June, Peggy was later stage 5, having some difficulty getting dressed, but was still toileting on her own. During the summer months she had a dramatic slide down into later stage 6. Late October is when I placed her. I couldn't believe how fast that all happened. I'm glad I had arranged everything earlier because finding a memory care facility in the midst of her slide would have made everything just that much more traumatic.

Memory care has worked out for Peggy - lots of activities and structure, meals, help with dressing and undressing, and help with toileting.  I know that memory care doesn't work out for everyone, and in the beginning I didn't know if it would work out for my sister, but by planning for it, I had the option (keeping her home v memory care).

I'd say tour some facilities, get on a waiting list, nothing is irrevocable, and you can always change your mind, but you'll have options.

P.S. Yay for creature features!