I feel like I am going crazy....

Care4Mom2

I have posted before about my DH. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with MCI by a neurologist (she said she couldn't diagnose anything other than that). Our internist, however, thinks my DH has early Alzheimer's. That was a few months ago. So, it may be worse now...

I realized that dementia shows differently in each person. There are also similarities. I took care of my mom, who probably had vascular dementia. I just have not seen the things I am seeing in my husband.

My DH still knows everyone. He does have short-term memory issues. It surprises me what he does remember. He has finally relinquished control over paying bills after having a late fee imposed on him. I paid that in front of him. Then he went behind me and paid it again.... I also find that my DH gets confused very easily. I have to be careful not to give him two options. That is sometimes hard...

For one thing, he cannot understand the difference between a statement balance and current balance on a credit card statement. Also, at the end of any discussion, he ends up saying what I said in the beginning as if he just thought of it. He does that often, not just to me. 

We are building a new house. I told my DH yesterday that I am going to ask the landscaper to put down more grass. My DH has seen our neighbors' houses and pictures to know that is is sod they put down (though at the time of the discussion, he probably was not remembering that). My DH was confused as to whether I was talking about seed or sod -- because he said seed was grass.... I said I was talking about sod. He said I should have said that I wanted to get more sod put down. So, I said it. After a discussion back and forth about seed vs sod, he said I should have said to him that I wanted the landscaper to put down more grass.... (Note that my husband has always been a know-it-all, even without Alzheimer's... So, that doesn't help.)

He is always asking if he can help me. But, I try to keep my requests simple. So, the other day I asked him to see if we had anymore paper towels. We keep them in the cabinet above our refrigerator. He went right to the cabinet and opened it up. I said, "Good. Can you please get one down?" The next thing I know, he was looking in other cabinets. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for paper plates. I told him I didn't want paper plates. He kept telling me that I said paper plates. Then I asked him that if I had said paper plates, why did he go right to the cabinet where we kept the paper towels? He said because he usually stores paper plates there. (He doesn't.) I told him what cabinet he usually keeps the extra plates and he said, "Oh." I try to keep in mind that he says the first thing that comes to his mind, whether or not it is true. But, for years (well before he was diagnosed) he has said that I said something or that he told me something when it didn't happen.

I get so confused after trying to explain things to him that I don't even want to discuss anything with him. I can't seem to explain things simply enough.

I feel like I am going crazy!

dayn2nite2

Your strategy should always be whatever is easiest for YOU.  So stop discussing anything with him (you will be responsible for all decisions regarding the new house and that is a task I never would take on with a spouse who has dementia).  

When he asks if he can help, tell him there's nothing he needs to help with.

Essentially you are in a marriage of one now.

amicrazytoo

You are not going crazy, however you need to adjust to your current circumstances. I know how frustrating it can be, but you must let it all roll off your shoulders.  Do not disagree with him. Instead say, "I'm sorry I meant to ask for the paper towels."  This will allow him to keep his dignity while he is probably very scared he is losing his mind. You absolutely must not argue with him, this only increases your level of stress as well as his. I am sorry you are going through this. Hard enough with any family member, but with a spouse it's so much harder. Sending you prayers and (((HUGS)))

Care4Mom2

Dayn2nite2: You are correct... It is a marriage of one... I said to someone recently that I do not have a husband that I can discuss anything with regarding the move. It would be okay if I was doing it for myself, but I am making decisions for two people... Hard.

dayn2nite2 wrote:

Your strategy should always be whatever is easiest for YOU.  So stop discussing anything with him (you will be responsible for all decisions regarding the new house and that is a task I never would take on with a spouse who has dementia).  

When he asks if he can help, tell him there's nothing he needs to help with.

Essentially you are in a marriage of one now.

JDancer

I know what you mean. I have to be very specific when I address my DH. I can't say, "yes, please bring that over here."  Even if he has something in his hand and has asked me if I want it. He'll have no idea what I'm talking about. Instead, I've taught myself to say, "please bring me the plate you're holding." It's an adjustment, one of many....

Bob in LW

I have the same problems with my SO.  She has short term memory problems but is otherwise quite functional. Whenever she is looking for something in the kitchen, she has to open all of the cabinets and drawers because she cannot remember where anything is.  A couple of times she has asked where the butter is, and I told her that it's in the cabinet directly above the toaster.

She snapped at me, "Well, how am I supposed to know where the toaster is?"  The toaster was on the countertop, and she was standing directly in front of it!  I have learned to explain things like that quite fully, almost as if talking to a child.  When she asks the same question several times, I have found that a short answer is often best because she won't remember it anyway.

Just know that you are not alone in dealing with your partner's short-term memory loss.  In spite of some daily frustrations, I feel fortunate that I am not yet having to deal with the more serious problems facing others on this board.

jmlarue

Excellent advice here. The hard lesson is that it does no good to argue or attempt to reason with a demented brain. The toughest part for me is the constant need to change my words and behavior to avoid the misunderstandings however I can. I don't always succeed. Frankly, I hate the Stepford Wife I've been forced to become, but I do it to survive. The magic words are, "I'm sorry." That's the only thing I've found to shut down these situations and I must say those 2 words dozens of times a day. Truth is, I am sorry, but the reason needs to go unsaid. I'm really sorry for both of us having to live with this soul-crushing insanity called dementia.

Rescue mom

I also had to learn to deal with these communication issues, and how to say things (or not) so my DH could hopefully understand better. It does get easier with time. Now I sometimes worry about how I  talk when I’m with normal people…will I be able to turn it on and off as needed.

Crushed

many people with mild cognitive impairment  are highly functional but with  with specific deficiencies.  I took DW scuba diving with MCI (2010)   and even early Alzheimers. (2012) What I did was take away her camera so she had to focus just on herself.  I also stayed within 3 feet and we did simple dives.  After 2013 we only snorkeled and by 2015 she was unsafe in a pool  

Gig Harbor

I am going through the same thing. I am trying not to ask him for anything because he gets it wrong and I get irritated. I like the expression marriage of 1. I was thinking of the trouble with trying to give directions. I wonder if it would help to number each cabinet door so that you could say open door 3 or door 7.

Iris L.

Bob in LW wrote:

She snapped at me, "Well, how am I supposed to know where the toaster is?"  The toaster was on the countertop, and she was standing directly in front of it!  

This is more than memory loss, this is agnosia (not anosognosia).  Agnosia is the loss of the ability to recognize things.  It is not due to poor vision but to brain damage.  And for Gig Harbor, labeling cabinets or anything else is unlikely to help if a LO has agnosia.

Iris

Dutiful One

Care4Mom2,

 Like you, I was responsible for my mother's care. And, like you, I have a spouse with some level of impairment that affects our daily life.  Your husband sounds a great deal like mine. I understand the feeling of "going crazy."  I felt so much so a few years ago, that I sought help from a psychologist. What did I learn? "You're fine, although overwhelmed with so much stress. But it sounds like your husband is cognitively impaired and needs to be evaluated by a specialist." The counseling helped me through a very difficult time. 

 We  have a lot of circular conversations. He says, "You have no idea what I'm trying to say." This usually takes place after he starts a conversation with me as if we've already been discussing a subject for ten minutes and I am caught off guard, or he uses inaccurate wording to explain something.  My knee-jerk reaction is to say, "What are you trying to say?" which of course sets him off.  

 I often get a false sense of security during times where the behaviors plateau, and I will try to engage him in a decision that he can't make. Even during times of stability, I have found that it's less stressful for both of us if I remember that a pause in symptoms does not mean a cessation of the entire problem. My husband is high functioning, but having to multi-task or perform a series of  duties in a short period of time are overwhelming. He can remember that he has elevated A1C, to the point where he fixates on it, but can't comprehend the implications of having atherosclerosis. He pats himself on the back for cutting out all sugar but will eat a whole package of bacon in one sitting if allowed. 

Taking on chores like bill-paying, all cooking and cleaning, and other household responsibilities is challenging and I battle resentment, but not doing these things results in disaster. We always sat down together to pay bills, and he'd drop them at the post office or take the check to the place in person. It came to the point where he'd pay bills himself without my participation.  I came to realize that two of us working on the same thing was difficult for him. We had our garbage service cut off for two weeks,  a check to pay for our new roof was put in the mail without a stamp after we discussed and decided to pay the bill in person, and our water bill has been paid ahead by several hundred dollars. When caring for my mother, I told myself that no matter what I did, it would be hard. I had to choose my pain.  Now I have to do it again. I choose what will be a hassle: no garbage service, or taking on the extra task of paying the bill. 

It's all so gosh-darn hard! 

CStrope

I agree, I'm not sure if symbols, numbers, or any other kind of note would help.  My DHs pills have a sunshine for morning, and a crescent moon for night, but I still have to tell him which to take.  I fill the pill box every week, and have alarms set to signal when to take them.  Even though I allow him to get the pill container when the alarm goes off, I still monitor what he's taking, and if he takes them.  Every morning and every night when the alarm goes off, he will bring the pill organizer to me and ask what day it is, then ask which pills he takes.  I have tried notes or symbols on other things too, without much success.

Pat6177

Oh my, I identify with so much of what’s been written in this thread - except the scuba diving. I learn the art of answering properly and then I realize we’re quibbling and I belatedly realize that he’s dropped down a bit again and I need to adjust again. And yes, short answers are so much better when you have to repeat them so many times! As for seed, sod or grass, for years my husband would complain that I wasn’t using the right word. And we’re currently in this discussion about how I never let him help. This is an issue because I am trying to introduce in home care, calling the person a housekeeper. We wouldn’t need a housekeeper if I would just tell him what needs to be done. It’s always good to realize that there are so many others with the same issues!

JulieB46

I’m seeing how far things have progressed with DH by reading this thread. Used to share all household chores. Now— marriage of one. Used to have separate checking accounts. Took over all monetary duties at MCI diagnosis 2014. Tried labeling his dresser drawers to help him be organized and able to dress. Now, I get him in the shower and lay out his clothes and help him put shirts on top rather than his legs. Help him put his socks and shoes on and tie them.  Have given him his meds for at least 3 years.  Do my best not to argue with him.  Try to ignore his incessant pacing.  Things change weekly, maybe daily?  Today told me I didn’t say goodbye to my daddy?  What?

Care4Mom2

Wow. I am overwhelmed, but at the same time relieved that I am not alone.

Dutiful Deb, I am the same way — Some days my DH seems “normal” and I think that there is no problem here. Then something happens and I am reminded that, yes, there is a problem. I think that happens, too, when we start having what I think is a normal conversation. By the time I realize he isn’t getting what I am saying, it is too late. Then the discussion ends when my DH says what I said in the beginning… The circular conversation…

My DH is aware he is having issues when it comes to his memory. He seems less aware of his condition when he can’t understand something that I think is simple. Then he gets angry/defensive and says he must be stupid.  Sometimes I can tell by how he looks that he is having a bad day. I tell him. “You are really struggling today.” He says, “Yes, but there is nothing we can do about it.”

It sounds like changes can be subtle for a while, then it can change quickly. From listening to everyone here, I may have a few good years left…. I am not looking forward to the journey…