how to handle dillusions

joytoy

I have a major problem with my LO who thinks i am telling him that I am having an affair with my sisters neighbor.  There is no neighbor but I cant get him to believe that.  When he starts on me about this so called affair he says I told him all about it.  He tells me details that Ive supposidly have told him.  I know you are not suppose to argue but when he starts this he wont stop.  He will badger me for hours on end.  I eventually blow up and that of course makes things worse.  There is no changing the subject  I have tried everything.  He will follow me to every room I try to escape to.  Hammering me about the affair .  How could I do this to him he asks.  I try over and over with peaceful words to let him know it isnt true.  Im at a loss with how to stop this.  HELP!!!

Joe C.

joytoy, Perhaps you should as his neurologist for medication to deal with the delusions. When DW got delusional the neurologist prescribed seroquil which worked wonders for her delusions.

ImMaggieMae

Sheesh, that is a tough one. I’m sure you will hear more expert answers here, but I would try chocolate cake. I don’t think my DH has delusions (yet) but chocolate cake disrupts a lot of other behaviors.

toolbeltexpert

Joytoy I don't know how far along your lo is on the journey. If he has any short term at all.? This might seem so crazy. His reality isn't gonna change, but yours can. Go along with him, ask for forgiveness.If it doesn't work and he has no short term it won't matter cause he won't  remember. I am sorry that has to be so hard. Maybe you can come up with something else to go to his reality. I have multiple answers to my dw about the issues that cause trouble. She doesn't remember my answer 5 minutes or less so if one doesn't work I try another next time. I hate this but if it helps her so be it. I do know how crazy it sounds, can't be any crazier than a pwd reality.

ButterflyWings

Hi Joytoy- I am SO sorry for what you are going through. This must be horrible for your DH too, honestly believing what his failing brain is telling him. Tragic. 

I have only had low key suggestions from DH about “my boyfriend” etc and I did not humor him. In fact I was quite out of process as a caregiver, the first few times. I told him it was hurtful and offensive that he’d even imagine there could be anyone else for me except him, and that I would not listen to such insulting, offensive accusations ever again.  No discussion, period. 

And I stuck to my guns with refusing to discuss or engage after that until he dropped it. It happened he brought it up a few times and then disappeared. Reasoning with someone whose reasoner is broken I know— it’s futile. But God forbid he might have believed me and remembered my false confession if I lied and agreed with his delusion. Thank goodness he was not as fixated on that delusion as it sounds like your LO is. I do try to validate my DHs’ FEELINGS about things even if the situation he’s reacting to is imaginary or erroneous, but I don’t believe that means apologizing for infidelity or something egregious in particular, that I didn’t even do!  That could really backfire.Thats my opinion anyway.  

Here are some links that may be helpful. I sure hope so. BTW, my DH’s other delusions were quite dangerous and led us to an antipsychotic a couple of years ago. I’m pretty sure Seroquel saved our lives (Literally). He still has false beliefs but not nearly as intense and graphic, and he no longer is driven to act on them like before the meds. 

https://www.verywellhealth.com/partner-dementia-unfaithful-accusation-97645

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions

 https://www.agingcare.com/questions/amp/435834

Joydean

Joytoy, sorry you are having to deal with this.. I do agree with what Butterfly wings said. Admitting to being unfaithful is one thing I would never do. As you stated he goes on and on and on about that you told him about this so called affair. I think you would only be sitting yourself up for even more grief and who knows what something like that could cause him to do. I would also recommend asking his doctor about meds to help him. 

As Toolbelt said, there are many times we do just say I’m sorry and work around. But not for this one. My opinion only here! Best of luck to you!

Iris L.

Avoid television!  That's all that's talked about nowadays.

Iris L.

Arrowhead

If you haven't already tried it, I suggest ignoring what he says and not answering any questions about it.

Ed1937

Joytoy, I know that hurts, and I'm sorry. There are medications that can help, but sometimes it's trial and error finding the right one.

Pam BH

Joytoy, I'm so sorry you're having to endure this. I've been there and it was absolutely hell.  

The good news is that delusion did go away but it took 10 months.  

I could play along with all his other delusions but not this one. There was no way I was going to admit it.  Denying it made him angry, so all I would say was that I love him and I will always be here with him and walk away for a while. The accusations would last 3 or 4 hours, and then he would totally forget it until the next time. It started out once a week and then progressed to every day.

He was still functional enough then to monitor my emails, phone calls, and texts, so I did what probably others wouldn't and let him. He went everywhere I did so there was no getting away from it and I did lose connection with friends, who all understood. 

The only thing that allowed me to do this was knowing how hurt he must be thinking all the accusations were true.  

If you have a doctor that will listen (our PCP was amazing) tell them what's going on so they'll treat your caregiver stress by treating him.  We started off with Zoloft, small dose at first and then increased, which helped tremendously. The delusion and accusations were still there but not as intense and his anxiety was decreased.  He's also now on Seroquel which has helped with all the delusions, again still there but not anxiety filled. All prescribed by our PCP.

When the infidelity accusations stopped it was such a relief. So far that has been the worst thing I've faced with this awful disease, including mobility problems and incontinence and thinking I'm his ex-wife. I know there's worse to come, but my confidence as a caregiver has changed for the better.

joytoy

TY all for comments  He just started seraquial 10 days ago hoping it will help.  I have tried every trick you offered  just hoping the medicine works sooner than later.

TerrificWeber

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/60761/how-to-handle-dillusions

TerrificWeber

How do you continue being a caregiver when your partner accuses you constantly of having a boyfriend? My imaginary boyfriend followed us on vacation. I know it's not my partner talking, but he gets angry, agitated and aggressive when he gets these thoughts in his head.