Looking for some advice(1)

Lola73

I have been the caregiver for my mother who has lived with me for the last 5-6 years. Her dementia has been getting steadily worse, and her episodes always culminate in her accusing me of stealing money. The most recent episode she actually left and moved out to live at her sister''s house, saying she couldn''t live with me anymore since I take everything. My question is, she will not currently talk to me. Has anyone had these issues before, and any ideas on how to move past this?

Cyndisaunt

Ugh, this is the most difficult part for me also. 

My LO went through several months of paranoia and lashing out with delusions, hallucinations, etc... then it seems like she moved into the next stage and is less paranoid and angry in general. She will still have a few days when she has had a lot of visitors or a doctor appointment, anything out of the routine that can start the accusing me of all things (eg. theft, hiding her things, asking for my key to her house back, etc), but then after a few hours she is back to going along with the routine. 

I do find routine to be best and I rarely tell her until an hour before what is going to happen next because she is at a stage where she can only hold onto an idea or thought for about 20 minutes, so repeating for several hours prior only adds to her agitation and frustration with herself. 

I try not to move anything and return items (eg. hair brush, phone, etc) to the spot where she would usually leave the item so that she finds it there when she looks next time.

hope that helps... 

Cyndi

terei

This is very very common behavior with people with dementia.  You may have to resort to mollifying her when she accuses you by saying ‘ Oh, I’m so sorry, I must have moved that yesterday.  I’ll try to find it.’ or ‘Let me see where I put that’ or even ‘Here it is, I apologize for moving that, I will try not to do that again.  I know it upsets you.’

Probably the worst thing to say is ‘NO, I did not take that whatever’.   Her reality is that whatever it is is missing + you must have done it(because she doesn’t remember moving/hiding it herself)

Soothing her with distractions + apologies will get you much more cooperation than trying to convince her of the truth that she is misplacing things.

BAM22

What Cyndisaunt and terei  posted is good advice. I read in a book that if you’ve ever done Improv- that’s the attitude you should take with your LO: alway say ‘Yes!’ A lot easier said than done. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it helps at all, you’re not alone! This was a hard stage we went through with my mom too and it’s gotten easier as her dementia progresses.

mommyandme (m&m)

Lola73,

Maybe you could go over to where she’s living now with a wonderful treat or gift as a peace offering and maybe more importantly, a distraction.  Approach her with the sweetest sweetness and an apology for nothing but everything to her. No need to converse about the past issues except what she wants to say which may be where the apologies come in, as others have suggested.  Just offer love and acceptance of her and her current brain space.  

Possibly a first meeting will only be a few minutes. Then maybe the next will be longer.  Maybe another time will be an outing to her favorite store or restaurant.  Just do what you can for now so you don’t feel regretful and try to enjoy this forced respite time.  This difficult stage will pass and you will probably be quite involved again sooner than later.  I truly hope you and your sister are on the same page and you can support each other. 

This journey is so hard no matter the circumstances.  I’m sorry for these challenges for you and yours. 

caregiving daughter

just wanted to say that Terei gave very good advice