unhelpful co-caregiver

odowd

Hi all, I'm not sure anyone will have suggestions here, but at the very least I wanted to vent. 

I am a long-distance caregiver for my 80yo mom who is in MS dementia. I talk to her on the phone every day, several times a day. My brother is the one who lives nearby, though, and is the only one able to visit her regularly.

Brother has untreated bipolar disorder and severe anxiety disorder. This makes him extremely difficult to deal with. Honestly, he has caused me more stress over the past six months than mom! He gets very frustrated easily with mom, and still seems to be expecting her to act rationally, remember things he's told her, etc. 

We share medical POA and I have sole POA for financial and legal matters. He has now threatened at least three times in the past few months that he is "done with her." He's told her he's done with her being nasty and that he won't be visiting anymore. I let him cool off for about 10 days and then messaged him that I need to know if he's serious, that if he wants to step aside it's fine but I need to know for continuity of care. 

He accused me of being crazy for thinking he was serious when he said that. He also doesn't want to have any communication with me. He doesn't want me staying at my mom's house when I visit. (He has lived in her home for the past 10+ years.) He won't even let me come to get her mail, which I explained I needed to be sure I'm carrying out my POA responsibly. I have since filed a mail-forwarding order for my mom.

He has also told my mom at least once that she isn't coming home, which just made her cry for hours. And guess what happened? The next morning (about 12 hours later) she called me asking (as she does every day) when she's going home!

I think some of his behavior is cruel. But since he doesn't want anything to do with me, I can't even talk to him about it. I will be visiting mom in a couple days and we have a care conference scheduled while I'm there. I do plan to talk to the NH staff to try to get some better communication with them, to let them know he's not sharing information with me about my mom's care. He is listed as the primary contact because he's local but as I said, we share medical POA. 

I'm just frustrated that a caregiver is causing my mom unnecessary anxiety and tears.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

harshedbuzz

This is a difficult situation all around. 

It's pretty clear your brother is not up to the task of being mom's local contact-- he's told you as much. If he's still living a mom's, it doesn't sound as though he is capable of caring for his own needs much less hers. He isn't blessed with the same strengths you have and cannot realistically be held to the same standards. 

In your shoes, I would move mom local to you so that you can visit regularly and be on hand to make the day-to-day decisions on her behalf. You are better suited to be doing this than he is in an untreated state.

I would meet with an attorney about your brother's rights as a tenant and take steps evict him and sell the property. If you will inherit it jointly one day-- assuming it isn't needed to fund mom's care-- perhaps he could pay a reduced rent in exchange for looking after the property and buy you out when the time comes. 

HB

odowd

Thanks both for the helpful suggestions. Some more relevant background: mom is on Medicaid LTC, we worked with an attorney to register a Lady Bird deed so the house passes to my brother when mom dies. We were able to get mom Medicaid-eligible by transferring her assets to my brother, which we were able to do thanks to a provision that allows for a gift to a disabled child (brother is on SSDI). The attorney also had my brother and I sign an agreement that the gifted money was to be used for the carrying costs of the house. 

I had considered moving back to Michigan to be closer to mom, but I've been hesitant to take that step because of the upheaval it would cause in every other aspect of my life. I have also considered consulting the attorney about evicting my brother, but I also know how long that can take and worry it would add more stress and cost to the situation. And of course, if I go that route, then I really would have to move back into her home to take care of it. (Selling or renting isn't an option because of her Medicaid status.)

jmlarue

You really need to put this in the hands of an elder law attorney - preferably the one who originally advised you and set up the gift of the house to your brother. Your situation is far too complex for you to navigate on your own to be sure all is done legally and does not jeopardize your mother's Medicaid eligibility. If your brother's POA or residency in your mother's house is to be terminated, you'd be wise to have those documents prepared and served by the attorney. This is going to be a difficult situation that really needs an impartial third party to bear the brunt of the anger and hostility.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.